Networks

Introduction

Just a fellow seeker of people who know that life, though experienced through the body, is something much more than that which we tend to egoically identify with, much more than our desires, and have started to move beyond unconscious behavior.

What do you want more of in your life?

Clear goals, purposeful action to reach those goals. Better relationship with my career. Purposeful relationships. An opportunity to teach in a context that is helpful to myself as well as the one(s) I'm teaching.

What do you want less of in your life?

Randomness; chaotic, disorganized approaches to things, drama created by self or others, feelings of helplessness and tendencies to dwell on the past or try to get back what's lost.

What words describe you at your best?

I like to think of the times I accomplished some programming tasks in assembler language at age 16 that some might have thought "impossible" as times I was performing at my best. But I also think I've written many database reports (using SQL and MDX), perhaps in 2007, which took a moderate level of skill, say using recursive queries (CTEs). So I'm quite work-identified and think of myself a potentially (occasionally) a prolific coder, when I know exactly what I'm setting out to accomplish. I'd like to improve my approach to work such that such experiences of "flow" are more frequent. I would also like to let go of some little emotional hangups that sometimes lead me to experience life and relationship interactions in ways that are less than completely present, and I'd like to learn to do so without the need to drug my brain with alcohol or other substances, which have had their seeming use at times, but have some downsides.

How have you withheld from life?

I have let ego structures such as feelings of unworthiness prevent me from developing healthy work and social relationships. I am tempted to blame some autistic tendencies (mild Asperger's), but could just as easily blame upbringing (cultish religion, verbally-abusive father), if I want to play the blame-game. But I'm not very interested in that game anymore. I've withheld by being afraid to move out of my comfort-zone and try new or different things, though that is somewhat balanced by an insatiable curiosity that drove me to try many things that sometimes, perhaps, I shouldn't have. As an aside, maybe I should try rollerblading again (it scares me a bit, though I never had an accident.)

Who are you being when the possibilities in life are limitless?

That is not possible. We came to Earth to experience limitation. Do not deny it. Nevertheless, many of us create far more limitations for ourselves than necessary. I think I can be very intensely-engaging in my work and in my play when I let go of all my silly little hangups. I can dissociate from these hangups briefly with salvia leaves, which temporarily turns off the egoic and personality structures supporting them, but think it would be healthier to develop a better relationship with myself and work to dissipate those hangups and replace them with a more positive self-image, to empower myself to speak up for myself and others in a way that is positive and constructive.