Ruth M.
RuthMiller
Eugene, OR
Post #: 231
If you missed the end of the world party here's some of the humore you missed:

"And now The Mayan Channel forecast. Thursday: cloudy, chance of showers, high 39. Friday: volcanoes, asteroid strikes, apocalypse." –David Letterman


Some believe there will be massive earthquakes and floods. Others think a planet will collide with the earth. I believe the end of the world will come about in a much stupider way, like Joe Biden spilling a Mountain Dew on the nuclear launch panel." -Jimmy Kimmel


"December 21, the end of the world, is a Friday. So it means dress is casual." –David Letterman


“As you know, the world is supposed to end today. The bad news, today China said they want their money right now.” - Jay Leno


"A close friend of mine said his doctor gave him less than two weeks to live. But it turns out his doctor's a Mayan. He says that to everybody." –Jay Leno


"The Mayans have predicted the world is supposed to end on December 21. If the world doesn't end on December 21, you can bet the next day the malls will be overrun with Mayans trying to buy last-minute gifts." –Jay Leno


“And as silly as this all may seem, a worldwide survey shows that one in 10 people believe the world is going to end on Friday. A Chinese man even designed a survival pod. The inventor says they can hold 14 people comfortably, or roughly three American people comfortably. If you buy one of these pods, you might survive the end of the world. But since it is made in China, you will also die of lead poisoning." -Jimmy Kimmel


Calm down ...
If the Mayans were good at predicting the future there would still be Mayans.



END of the World HEADLINES 1

USA Today: We're dead
The Wall Street Journal: Dow Jones plummets as world ends
National Enquirer: O.J. and Nicole, together again
Playboy: Girls of the apocalypse
Microsoft Systems Journal: Apple loses market share


END of the World HEADLINES 2

Victoria's Secret Catalog: Our final sale
Sports Illustrated: Game over!
Wired: The last new thing!
Rolling Stone: The Grateful Dead reunion tour

Readers Digest: 'Bye!




END of the World HEADLINES 3

Discover Magazine: How will the extinction of all life as we know it affect the way we view the cosmos?
TV Guide: Death and damnation: Nielson Ratings soar!
Lady's Home Journal: Lose 10 lbs by judgement day with our new "Armageddon" Diet!
America Online: System temporarily down. Try calling back in 15 minutes.
Inc. Magazine: Ten ways you can profit from the apocalypse!


Ruth M.
RuthMiller
Eugene, OR
Post #: 235
Xmas Parody Songs http://www.pandora.co...­
Ruth M.
RuthMiller
Eugene, OR
Post #: 236
Another xmas parody:



The "What's It To Ya?" Chorus

Lyrics:
What's it to ya?
What's it to ya?
What's it to ya?
What's it to ya?
What difference does it make?

What's it to ya?
What's it to ya?
What's it to ya?
What's it to ya?
What difference does it make?

Why don't you go about your own business?
What's it to ya?
What's it to ya?
Why must you bother me when I'm thinking?
What's it to ya?
What's it to ya?

Why don't you go about your own business?
What's it to ya?
What's it to ya?
Why must you bother me when I'm thinking?
What's it to ya?
What's it to ya?

What's it to ya?
What's it to ya?

Why don't you go about your own business?
What's it to ya?

It's none of your concern
So just buzz off
It's none of your concern
So just buzz off
So just buzz off

And we shall complain forever and ever
And we shall complain forever and ever
And we shall complain forever and ever
And we shall complain forever and ever

Leave far from me
And just walk afar

And we shall complain forever and ever

Don't bother
Don't bother
For ever and ever
What's it to ya?
What's it to ya?
What's it to ya?
What's it to ya?
What's it… to ya?
Ruth M.
RuthMiller
Eugene, OR
Post #: 336
Atheists Jokes and cartoons

http://www.angelfire....­
Ruth M.
RuthMiller
Eugene, OR
Post #: 337
MORE RELIGIOUS HUMOR

If Jesus had been killed twenty years ago, Catholic school children would be wearing little electric chairs around their necks instead of crosses. ~Lenny Bruce

A celibate clergy is an especially good idea, because it tends to suppress any hereditary propensity toward fanaticism. ~Carl Sagan

Those people who tell me that I'm going to hell while they are going to heaven somehow make me very glad that we're going to separate destinations. ~Martin Terman

Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things: One is that God loves you and you're going to burn in hell. The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth and you should save it for someone you love. ~Butch Hancock

An atheist is a man who has no invisible means of support. ~John Buchan

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to the garage makes you a car. ~Author Unknown

Instead of being born again, why not just grow up? ~Author Unknown

To hear many religious people talk, one would think God created the torso, head, legs and arms, but the devil slapped on the genitals. ~Don Schrader

Christian fundamentalism: the doctrine that there is an absolutely powerful, infinitely knowledgeable, universe spanning entity that is deeply and personally concerned about my sex life. ~Andrew Lias

God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh. ~Voltaire

We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the same sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart. ~H.L. Mencken

Christ died for our sins. Dare we make his martyrdom meaningless by not committing them? ~Jules Feiffer

The wages of sin are death, but after they take the taxes out, it's more like a tired feeling, really. ~Paula Poundstone

Scriptures: the sacred books of our holy religion, as distinguished from the false and profane writings on which all other faiths are based. ~Ambrose Bierce

Impiety, n.: Your irreverence toward my deity. ~Ambrose Bierce

Christianity might be a good thing if anyone ever tried it. ~George Bernard Shaw

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death. ~George Carlin

I believe in God; I just don't trust anyone who works for him. ~Author unknown

There are three religious truths: 1) Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah. 2) Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith. 3) Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters. ~Author Unknown

Traveler: "God has been mighty good to your fields, Mr. Farmer."
Farmer: "You should have seen how he treated them when I wasn't around."
~Author Unknown

I still say a church steeple with a lightning rod on top shows a lack of confidence. ~Doug McLeod

A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject. ~Winston Churchill

Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian. ~Dennis Wholey

In spite of the cost of living, it's still popular. ~Kathy Norris

Life is a cement trampoline. ~Howard Nordberg

We've heard that a million monkeys at a million keyboards could produce the complete works of Shakespeare; now, thanks to the Internet, we know that is not true. ~Robert Wilensky, 1996

Everyone complains of his memory, but no one complains of his judgment. ~Francois de La Rochefoucauld

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former. ~Albert Einstein

Before we work on artificial intelligence why don't we do something about natural stupidity? ~Steve Polyak

There's no such thing as fun for the whole family. ~Jerry Seinfeld

Man was predestined to have free will. ~Hal Lee Luyah

Maybe this world is another planet's hell. ~Aldous Huxley

All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific. ~Jane Wagner

What luck for rulers, that men do not think. ~Adolph Hitler

Some people get lost in thought because it's such unfamiliar territory. ~G. Behn

It is always the best policy to tell the truth, unless, of course, you are an exceptionally good liar. ~Jerome K. Jerome

Speak the truth, but leave immediately after. ~Slovenian Proverb

Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon. ~Susan Ertz

Die, v.: To stop sinning suddenly. ~Elbert Hubbard

I intend to live forever. So far, so good. ~Steven Wright

If God dropped acid, would he see people? ~Steven Wright

If triangles had a God, He'd have three sides. ~Old Yiddish Proverb

To all things clergic
I am allergic
~Alexander Woolcott

On the sixth day God created man. On the seventh day, man returned the favor. ~Author Unknown

Puritanism: the haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy. ~H.L. Mencken

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said 'Stop! don't do it!' 'Why shouldn't I?' he said. I said, 'Well, there's so much to live for!' He said, 'Like what?' I said, 'Well...are you religious or atheist?' He said, 'Religious.' I said, 'Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?' He said, 'Christian.' I said, 'Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?' He said, 'Protestant.' I said, 'Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?' He said, 'Baptist!' I said, 'Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist church of god or Baptist church of the lord?' He said, 'Baptist church of god!' I said, 'Me too! Are you original Baptist church of god, or are you reformed Baptist church of god?' He said, 'Reformed Baptist church of god!' I said, 'Me too! Are you reformed Baptist church of god, reformation of 1879, or reformed Baptist church of god, reformation of 1915?' He said, 'Reformed Baptist church of god, reformation of 1915!' I said, 'Die, heretic scum,' and pushed him off. ~Emo Phillips

http://answers.yahoo....­
Ruth M.
RuthMiller
Eugene, OR
Post #: 341
Lost and Found


Ruth M.
RuthMiller
Eugene, OR
Post #: 349
Ruth M.
RuthMiller
Eugene, OR
Post #: 356

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