How to Be Cool

by Lifeguard

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Disclaimer: if you read my post, “My Story”, you know that I have been getting laid successfully for over 20 years. I have been working in bars and going to bars since I was 16 (this is not a misprint). Therefore, there is nothing anybody, even the so-called gurus, can say that will change my mind on what it takes to be successful with women. This is what I used to teach guys for 2 years. My goal here is not to discredit anybody’s “system” but to explain what I believe will make guys successful LONG-TERM.

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As requested, I will tell you guys how to become more cool and confident. First I will give some background.

As I have often mentioned, the most important aspect of attracting and seducing women, is to be cool, confident and sexy (CCS). Attracting women is only one aspect of being successful with women. You still need to know how to Build a Connection. For more background, read my earlier posts: “Dating Skills for Real Men” and “Building a Connection”. Furthermore, being CCS will also help you in ALL aspects of being successful with women vs. techniques which are very short-term. Certain techniques are GOOD but will not work if you do not have a cool and confident demeanor. Some techniques will make you look and feel less cool and confident. I have read and/or heard of successful guys’ advanced techniques, and I think they are very good but if you do not have the base of being cool and confident when using them, then they will not work. In fact, NOTHING works if you are not cool and confident. The problem is: most guys do not know that they are not being cool and confident. Or they KNOW they are not cool and confident but think that if they just keep doing what they are doing a thousand more times, then the experience will make them more C&C.

In this post, I will address “How to Be Cool”. Maybe in some upcoming posts, I will write about self-esteem, confidence, and be “sexy” in a woman’s eyes. All of them are related but I am going to try and small chunk it so nothing gets glossed over.

KEY POINT # 1: How to make yourself more cool and relaxed.

How you react to most situations goes in a three step process:

• Your mind processes an event.
• You appraise the situation.
• You react.

How you appraise things determines how you react or your mood. Since you can’t always control what happens around you (#1), then you have to work on how you appraise things and how you choose to react. This is learned behavior. You can change it. What separates people who are cool and relaxed is how they appraise and react. Angry and depressed people tend to appraise things negatively and then react badly. You can not control other people, and you shouldn’t let other people’s behavior control you.

Key Point #2: Being cool is being comfortable and relaxed (at peace) with WHATEVER emotion or state you choose to have at that time or place.

Key Point #3: Doing things you do not enjoy to attract or seduce women is NOT cool.

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So being cool is about who you are, what you do, and maybe more importantly, what you DON’T do, as defined above.

For example, guys who do techniques like palm-reading or tarot cards to entertain women is not cool if that’s something you are doing JUST to meet women. Do you palm-read guys? Your friends? Of course not. So doing it just to meet women is creepy and obvious and not cool.

Another example is the Mr. Fun-type guy. He thinks that putting on his Mary Tyler Moore smile, and being so “dog-gone goofy” is going to turn everyone around. He will WIN them over. He sees women who are obnoxious and rude but he will barrel through until they finally walk away. He tells himself that it’s “their issue” and he just having a blast. This is bullshit and delusional. Yes, some women actually are rude and obnoxious, like some guys. You are not required to make everyone “happy”. This is not cool.

I think you get the point. So what do you do to be cool? I am not advocating be a sullen SOB every time you go out but there may be times when you will not be in a good mood. Just because you are not in a 100% positive and happy mood doesn’t mean you can’t go out and meet people. I have met women on nights that I was pissed off about something or maybe quiet and bummed out. You know why? It was NATURAL. Natural is cool.

For example: when I was working in bars as a bouncer. I didn’t smile a whole lot or initiate conversations with women but I always had women around me, hitting on me, and trying to get my attention. Same with bartending and lifeguarding. Point is, you are being cool when you are yourself and not TRYING to impress people. Another example is if I go out alone during the day to have lunch or sometimes dinner. I always bring a NY Post with me or maybe something I’m writing. I Don’t talk to anyone and just read. I get approached my customers and staff all the time trying to chat me up. Same thing with the gym: I meet people there all the time, even if I am working out and not being social. If I talk to someone, I don’t change my mood to “try and pick someone up.” This way women realize that you come across genuine when you speak to them. There is no façade or pickup guy persona.

Being in a good mood and smiling helps, of course. However, I don’t see the need to be “high energy”.

Before I continue, I have been going to clubs for over 20 years. Big clubs in NYC, in the 80’s it was Tunnel, MARS, Area, MK, Danceteria; in the 90’s it was more lounges like Temple Bar, Merc Bar, Buddha Bar (the original), Life. Recently, it was Marquee, Suede, NV, and Aer, etc. Anyway, if you are high energy or try and “pump your state”, that energy needs to leave your body and for the most part it releases as “nervous energy”. Your body language and voice radiate nervousness. Chicks FEEL this. They KNOW that you are hyped up because you NEED their validation.

You think you are being all slick by trying to run all kinds of surreptitious club games on them. This is NOT cool. You don’t need to be THE MAN at a club to get laid. It helps to know people but if you try too hard, the staff laughs at you like you’re an ass-kissing joke. Don’t force it, or anything, when in a club. Be cool and seductive in a club. Since the clubs are loud and dark to begin with, don’t think you are going to “out energy” the club. Won’t happen, and why would you want to look like a spaz doing it? Instead, communicate with your body, kino, facial expressions and few words.

If you think dancing is bad in a clubs, then you are obviously not a good dancer because this is the ultimate way to communicate through body language, kino and sexuality.

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Key Point #4: Being in a RUSH to attract or seduce women is NEVER cool.

There is nothing wrong with ONS except if you make that your GOAL. By making it a goal at the beginning of the night, you will end up rushing things. You will want to apply techniques. Techniques don’t come across as natural because they don’t fool many women. This is why guys get pegged as “players”. If you are being cool, a women won’t accuse you of being a player. It’s when you do something cheesy and obvious that she throws the “player” word.

Example: When I was coaching guys, it took time to wean them off all the structure and techniques because it makes them act like they are on some kind of “mission” every time they are in a bar, or even during the day. These guys would have this look in their eye like they NEEDED to talk to a woman NOW. In fact, they were told that they NEEDED to talk to at least 12 women a night. They had a myriad of techniques they wanted to spew out. Needless to say, this comes across RUSHED and unnatural. Trying to rush attraction is not cool. It’s true that these same guys knew more about how to pick up women then most anyone in the place but they couldn’t do it because they were not cool.

A little tip about ONS since I have vast experience in this area: If you are cool and are able to attract and connect, all this shit about logistics, venue changing, time bridging, etc., won’t make any difference. She will fuck you on the hood of your car if necessary. She will fuck you in the backseat while her friend is driving. She will follow you for miles out of her way, even if you got into a car accident on the way (with a cop) and it’s 6 am when you finally get back to your place. I know. These have all happened to me, and I have many, many more.

Also, techniques are something that commercial companies like to advocate so they can sell you a “product”. If you have the money, it is better to do a workshop so the instructors can at least give you on the spot advice about how you are coming across to people, and hopefully they are qualified to give useful feedback. (I don’t do workshops anymore so I am not plugging anything here).

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It's funny (and a shame) that it takes people so long to finally be humble. Sometimes it takes getting to a place of feeling like you have "mastered" something before you can finally relax, and hopefully help others. People do this in sports, education, business world, etc. Why is it so difficult and rare to see people do that with social interaction?

Maybe it's because we never feel like we will ever reach that point of mastery in social interaction.

I see the funniest things just walking around the streets of New York. People will race you to the next block. Try and cut you in line to grab a seat at the bar. People brag about stuff that is so mundane and ordinary. Are there lives so pathetic and boring that simple, everyday things need to be a competition? Are they so beaten down that these minor victories will make them feel special? Like they won?

Don't be the guy in the bar that needs to "tool" someone to "get the girl". Don't resort to AMOGing and then brag about it. Don't think you are "higher value" because you have slept with more women, or drive a nicer car, or can kick someone's ass.

Instead...help a complete stranger get the girl. Let someone else get in front of you in line. Be above all the petty competitive shit. KNOW that you WILL get yours. This is not something that happens overnight but the more you practice this, the more it will become a part of who you are. To paraphrase the Tao: what you put into this world, you get back.

This is How to Be Cool.

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In conclusion,

• Being cool takes time.
• Being seductive takes time.
• Being relaxed and not worrying about if you get laid TONIGHT takes time.

This is a long-term plan that will pay off in dividends over the next few years. You will not sacrifice your integrity by trying to entertain giddy club girls. You will meet more quality women because being cool and relaxed lends itself to having higher standards. You will not need to think about if it’s day game, clubs, or in the mall. You are cool and that’s what woman want.

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