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"Friends First" FUN Friends Group Message Board › The responces that I got to SEEDS OF WIDOM

The responces that I got to SEEDS OF WIDOM

Fena
Fena
Group Organizer
Arlington Heights, IL
Post #: 234
Hi Fena,

I wanted to send you an email and say thank you so much for building this group and taking the time to draw people in. Reading your Seeds of Wisdom and chatting with you via email sure helped to draw me in. I imagine it's the same with others ..... You are a wonderful woman and I am blessed to have been able to meet you yesterday. I look forward to future events and learning and growing. It's about time my life gets on track. I don't want to continue to fill my past with a sea of failed relationships, I want to learn from each one and hopefully my next one will be THE one .... and even if it's not I am beyond excited about the new group of friends I am hoping to connect with through your events.

Thank you :-)


Female Member
Fena
Fena
Group Organizer
Arlington Heights, IL
Post #: 235
Dear Fena,
Thanks for your words of wisdom-they have helped me too !

Female Member!
Fena
Fena
Group Organizer
Arlington Heights, IL
Post #: 236
Fena,
Wonderful words glad you're feeling better.

Last night was a wonderful meeting interesting & good people.I actually made a new friend I was'nt going to go last night & so glad I did.
I think as woman we can enrich one anothers lives.

If I had'nt gone I never would've met ******. It was her first meeting & she needed someone to make her feel at ease. I felt it was a really nice evening.

The dynamic of the group is changing and that's all you!

Take Care of you

Female member
Fena
Fena
Group Organizer
Arlington Heights, IL
Post #: 237
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Re: [newlysing​le-786] Seeds of Wisdom for this day, October 24, 2011
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Reply |Rich Romanowski to me
show details 10:50 AM (32 minutes ago)

Good Morning Ms. Fena,

Seeds well spread. I never realized how complicated life was before my breakup/divorce. All that stuff you mentioned, kids, cars, homes, education took center stage and there was always something to worry about. It's was a struggle - a battle for life - not an adventure. These past two years have not been a walk in the park and proved to be far more complicated than I would have ever expected. There were many days that it would have been easier to stay in bed and ignore what could not be ignored. I needed to sort so many things out re-defining who I am, why I am, where I'd been, where I am now and where I wanna be - how I wanna be in the future. And as the curtain drops on that chapter I suddenly realize how much more less complicated my life has become- - How much less complicated I have become.

I can look around and always see someone who has it worse than me. I know so many that have lost their high paying jobs, 401ks, posh luxury homes, huge summer homes and expensive cars. Amazing to see the frenzy not being able to deal without their things. Most have marriages being held together by a thread and they have yet to discover what real loss is all about. We have lost people, far more valuable than things and much harder to replace.

I have a nephew whom I am very close to. I often view him as more a 2nd son than nephew. He has all that one could desire at such a young age. 3 healthy young children, A huge - well furnished Palatine home, 2 new cars, fabulous high paying careers and I could go on and on. He and his wife are far from the types that flash success in the faces of others. Great people and you can't help but want to be around them for their warmth. Kevin is 44 years old and going through the health scare of his life. Test after test after test, the doctors cannot find what ails him. We talk daily and he has been here for me these past two years like no other, so naturally it is now my turn to be there for him. We talked last night and he broke down. So afraid of any bad diagnosis or not being able to be here for his family or watch his kids grow up. He worries about the money and the responsibilities he wouldn't know how to dodge. Last night he told me that his wife offered to give it all up if they needed to and that their happiness came first. So you see, it's not about things and the hustle bustle of life. It's about people and their committment to each other. I admire them both more than words could describe.

What I didn't mention about Kevin was that this is his 2nd marriage. He's always been a great guy but made his fair share of mistakes in his 1st marriage. The challenges he faced, the courage he displayed and the changes he made are what bettered him for the life he has today. His performance set the stage for me and that's usually the other way around in life. I have learned so much by his examples - things I will never forget. I have vowed to try to pass on as graciously. I have seen that there is a life after our losses. There is a future for you, for me for everyone but only if we want one bad enough to do the work it takes.

Lastly, I'd like to ask you to keep Kevin in your thoughts and prayers. There is an underlying power in this.

Thanks and take care,

A male member of our group.
Fena
Fena
Group Organizer
Arlington Heights, IL
Post #: 238
Fena,You amaze me there's such power in the unspoken word.You have found your calling keep inspiring ! Loved what you had to say!!!

Female Member
Fena
Fena
Group Organizer
Arlington Heights, IL
Post #: 239
If someone would have told me as a young woman that I would not be married at 53, would not have kids, I would have frowned at them in disbelief.

I'm totally with ya on that, Fena. To quote a line from the movie 'Scent of a Woman'; 'God doth have a sense of humor'.

From a male member that is one of our younger member at about the age of late 40's. We are personal friends and in one of our past discussions he had told me that he wanted children. He is not married and has no children.
Fena
Fena
Group Organizer
Arlington Heights, IL
Post #: 240
Going it Alone Response

Good morning Fena,

I hope you are back to feeling 100%. Whatever it was you had, seemed to have had you down for too long. Synchronicity seems to have occurred again in your writing the message of Nov.4th. I believe there are no coincidences, so I know I was supposed to see your message on the exact day it echoed many of the same thoughts, feelings and big life questions I've had rattling around ceaselessly in my own head. As always, it is good and reassuring to know others are experiencing similar issues.

I have been divorced for 10 years and have been dating for 9 of those years. During that time, I have had one engagement to a man I had been with for 4 years and that engagement was broken off 10 months ago. For the first time, I do not feel like getting back into the "game". I have made a conscious decision to just live my life day to day, enjoying all the good things and people I am blessed with, and not seek out a committed relationship. I do not feel depressed or defeated in making this choice. Rather, I am more relieved and content. I remain open to love, I am just no longer actively looking for a life's partner. As you noted in your message, there are many wonderful aspects to living life on your own terms. I aim to experience more of them.

I had contacted you a few months back and asked to become a part of "Friends First" now and when I actually relocate to the Chicago area from upstate New York. I have one more full school year to work and then preparations for my move will begin. I immensely enjoy reading all messages I receive from the "Friends" website and of course, your "Seeds". I feel I will very much enjoy and fit into this wonderful group of people. I will be in Schaumberg visiting my daughter and son-in-law from Dec. 23rd through Dec.28th. I'd very much like to meet you, if only for an hour or so (coffee maybe?). I realize that particular week may be problematic, so I will understand if you cannot meet. I may be out your way again in the Spring so perhaps that would work.
I wanted to write this morning to tell you I get alot of benefit and enjoyment from receiving "Seeds" and it comforts me to know I may be moving towards new friends who are walking some of the same paths. Have a great day Fena and feel better!!!!
Fena
Fena
Group Organizer
Arlington Heights, IL
Post #: 241
Going it Alone Response

Hi Fena,
I don't know if you remember me since I haven't been to that many of your events and the last time was September, I think; but I thought I would respond to this Seeds. Most of the time it seems you assume that those who attend the meet-up are all divorced or widowed. Not so and I have felt a little out of place at times because of that assumption. Perhaps there are few of us or maybe I'm the only one, but I have never been married. I understand the vast majority of people either are or were married and I have to accept that the world is focused on the majority but imagine how those like me can occasionally feel even more isolated because of that.


I have had relationships and had my heart broken more than once. I have had the desire to have someone to share my life with, the frustration of hoping and searching and watching others' achievement of that, the disappointment of it not happening to me etc. Finally when I was much younger I decided I could no longer focus on finding someone, getting married, why I'm not married, my disappointment etc. and decided to just focus on my life, work, interests, friends etc. Eventually I became quite content and decided I was fine alone. I really didn't date much for many years as I worked in a female field and didn't have interests that brought me into contact with many men.


Then I met someone and fell in love. Unfortunately, again, it was someone who turned out to have commitment issues. I didn't think at my age I could be so heartbroken again but I totally was. Well eventually we reconnected and now we are very close friends. I have a lot of contact with him and we are emotionally close but no longer have the physical intimacy, other than hugs. I feel good again, past the heartbreak and pretty content again but I'm not yet absolutely sure how I will feel if or when my "friendship" with him ends. And I'm still thinking about, as you are, whether I should be pushing myself to try to meet someone new.


Frankly having been single so long I just don't like focusing on finding a man. If I happened to meet someone new through whatever I'm doing in my life that would be great but to put the focus on trying to find someone tends to make me unhappy because of the work, frustration, and eventual disappointment of it. I have already been through that in my younger years and eventually discovered I can be very content just doing my thing and seeing my friends (most of whom are female). Falling in love with this last guy made me realize how nice it is to have someone special and how much I would like that but I think it is rare for me to find someone I enjoy and care about so much and when I focus on wanting that and don't have it/can't find it/constantly think about finding it etc. I am more miserable than when I just live my life. Not to mention the complete misery of losing the person and all the hopes and dreams connected with that when it ends.


So I guess I'm trying to say that I totally understand what you are thinking but this is new to you whereas those of us who never married went through this long ago and perhaps more than once. And at my age, having never managed to find someone I want to be committed to and who wants the same with me, I recognize that though it still could happen it is probably more likely not to happen. My complicating factor is that I am truly alone as I have no family. When I was young I assumed at some point I would get married and have kids so I never imagined being so alone eventually. My mother died this summer, my father years ago, and I had only one brother who died young so I have no kids, siblings, nieces, nephews. I have cousins who live out of state and I didn't even meet until I was an adult. So I'm about as alone as one can be. I'm feeling ok now but that comes and goes. At times when everyone is with family, like holidays, I think I should be searching for a man because that is the only way I will have "family" but then again I'm faced with the frustrations. So I'm on the fence but much of the time I think I just need to value my friends and be grateful for all the good things in my life. I basically have a nice comfortable life (compared to vast majorities of people in the world), friends, my cats, church, work, things to be interested in. Life could be a lot more difficult than I have it. So if someone comes along that would be great. Sometime I may try the online thing again, and go to occasional meet-ups, etc. but that can't be the focus of my life. I'm on the introverted side, as opposed to extremely extroverted you :-) so I don't meet people as easily or enjoy parties as much.


So I agree with things you are thinking, it's just that these are not new thoughts to me since I am not back to it after marriage - it has been my forever dilemma. Oh and one more thing. When I'm feeling like everyone has someone except me and feeling bad about being alone I remind myself that many who have someone are unhappy with that someone. I would still rather be alone and very lonely at times than stuck in a bad relationship in which I feel alone and miserable. And I remember that I have friends who, even though are in decent marriages, say if their husband dies they are not so sure they would want to be married again.


Sorry for the length of this. I got carried away. : )
Fena
Fena
Group Organizer
Arlington Heights, IL
Post #: 242
Going it Alone Response

Hi Fena - As someone who is newly separated and will be divorced shortly I come with this from a different perspective. I was married for 18 years and have two teen children. I asked for my divorce because my wife had serious personal issues and I could not live with it any longer. I live alone in an apartment not far from my kids. I have good friends.

Yes, I am one of those who is out of the gate. I do believe in marriage. When it works right it is really wonderful. When it doesn't you have to be prepared to put a lot of work into it. Communication is essential and on top of it you have to remember that women and men think very differently. I didn't know that for a long time and that was one reason why my marriage failed.... but I have learned from this and have grown.

We all have baggage. I have baggage. But to me it really depends what you want for your life.
I have many divorced friends that totally embrace being single. They would never go back. You come and go as you please. They are happy.

For me, I want something more and that will take work. I believe there is someone out their for me in a lifelong relationship. I don't know who she is but I am positive she is out there. I remain positive in this belief for the long haul. I believe there are many woman out their that also feel the same as me. Please don't get me wrong....I am not ready to jump into an instant relationship and get married right away. That would not be healthy. But, I do know what I want and in time there will be the right woman out there. For now, I am going through a new adjustment just being on my own. But I do want to date and have even gone on a coffee date or two in the last few weeks.

Fena, I know how easy it is to get beaten down on things like this. My marriage became so negative that it took a lot out of me. Still, I live for the future. I totally believe there is a "sweet" life out there for me and a second chance.

Thanks for letting me share my feelings with you!
Fena
Fena
Group Organizer
Arlington Heights, IL
Post #: 243
Going it Alone Response

I DID notice Seeds wasn't in my in-box, but didn't think to ask!
Am so glad you're feeling better; sorry those bugs are hanging onto you so tightly!!!!


I'm certainly alone, but hope that won't ALWAYS be the case. (I DID have a dream last night about Rob Lowe, so.....perhaps I'm getting closer to meeting someone!!!) It IS worth the work, because I'd rather struggle, if necessary, while trying to find that someone special to fill the rest of my life & someone I can please & satisfy for the rest of his.


I've been alone 10 years & for me, that's plenty. Let's say, optimistically, I've got 30-40 more years left (being VERY optimistic!), & I'd hate to think I have to spend it without someone special I can love & adore, as he would me, for my remaining years.


I know that any relationship I'd have at this point in my life looks MUCH different than one I would have begun 40 years ago. I've got children, maybe one day will have grandchildren, I've got friends I want to stay connected with, other activities I enjoy & a workout schedule to adhere to & the person I'd be drawn to would have some of those things as well. That way, our lives wouldn't be entwined, constantly 'needing' the other for gratification & to fill our every waking moments. That would be akin to smothering. But a nice night out with 'the girls,' an evening playing cards with 'the guys,' a short trip alone visiting our adult children, a run through the park alone, a trip to the gym to compete with the other 'macho guys.....' those might be what some of our days look like. Kind of like 'his,' 'mine' & 'ours.'


Perhaps I'm different than some......I've had one love in my life, having gone to high school together, then college, marrying, having children, living for the next few decades, then splitting. I've had one date in 10 years of my time alone, so.....I think with the help of friends & ESPECIALLY the book The Seven Levels of Intimacy, I'm ready to take on the challenge of finding someone new.
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