Let me tell you a little about myself. I am a resident professor of Theoretical Interpretations of the Theological Sciences currently attached to the ‘Centre of Research into Ecclesiastics and Theology, Institute for Neo-interdenominational Sciences’. This is housed a discreet building in Peckham which would be only half its size if it weren’t for the sign above the door. For security reasons we need to keep the exact location of this centre a secret. Fortunately the church is very close to the railway station so I rarely forget how to find it.
Now like most people in our profession we find the name of this building exceedingly complicated to spell let alone understand what the words mean. Frankly if it was in Latin, like most of our technical documentation, I’d understand why but alas it’s in English. However it was a lot cheaper to make than a cathedral, and performs the same task of impressing the ignorant layman - that’s you lot by the way.
We affectionately call the centre ‘Eccles’ after the goon show, but mainly because it’s easier to say and also gives a flavour of the sort of academic atmosphere we lonely men like to enjoy therein; especially when left alone on those cold dark nights after Father Silvio and Sister Britney have buggered off to the disco.
At Eccles we undertake research into theological physics - that is, we probe deeply into the works of The Almighty in order to come up with a Grand Unification Theory, or GUT. Yes, we are attempting to unify all of the major religions into one. After all, there is but one God, and he is the Truth and all religions insist they’re right, and if they are then it must be possible.
At the moment Eccles is responsible for creating a lot of His GUTs and we’re slowly working our way through them, digesting their contents and discarding any crap we encounter. At the moment we have a department solely dedicated to delving deeply into the Special Theory Of Muslim And Christian Heresies (STOMACH). The results of all our work are recorded for everyone at the British Evangelical Latin Library of Yahweh - in Latin of course. This noble enterprise is funded by the Orthodox Holy Foundation for the Unification of Christian Knowledge.
You see there are a LOT of people involved in religion and we can’t all be wrong.
As you can tell, we have a lot of fun at Eccles. We are fortunate in that the prompt delivery and verification of our results is undertaken by our management group at the Vatican, The Cardinals. These then, over time and after much debate, delegate the task to The Primates (or the ‘Monkeys’ as we affectionately call them) who check our objective scientific results to their subjective interpretation of the Holy Works - as in time honoured fashion.
Naturally, you can only imagine what sort of mess a Monkey can make of our GUTs when they get their hands on them. But by then we’ve usually spent our pensions and pootled off to find out what the after-life really is like. Then we get to find out which God is the True God and whether celibacy was a mistake in translation after all.
To do all this research we employ only the latest bespoke theological technology such as the ‘Differential Devoutness Comparator’, the ‘Deep Prayer Profundity Spectral Analyser’ and of course the world famous ‘High Energy Sermon Provider’ much loved by Born Again Christians and Islamic Fundamentalists alike. In fact, apart from terminology, the same sermon can often suffice for either group.
As a by-product of all this scientific investment we have managed to reduce one-way communication times with our head office (at the Vatican) to an amazing 0.017M (where M = Millenia). Alas, decision times at our Head Office are still averaging 0.45M or so, so we still have some time to wait before we get this year’s budget approval.
Well I hope all that wasn’t too technical for you, and that it helps to explain where I’m coming from. Peckham in fact. And of course, I hope soon to convert you all into having faith in the Church’s profound wisdom. After all we must be right, there’s a lot of us and as my mentor once said: -
‘Eat as the house fly eats. For not ALL those millions of flies can be wrong; can they?’
Until next time,
Praise The Lord!
The Right Dick Ed.
May God go with you.
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