I thought I’d talk about nuns today. Holy Mother of Jesus - I’ve just had a run-in with one and she beat the crap out of me! I caught her swearing and I simply suggested she should get out of that nasty habit. Sadly she misunderstood.
I wonder if nuns learn a secret martial art we’re not privy too? She could certainly fulfill the role of ‘Angel Of Death’ with that right hook of hers! But I digress...
They’re an enigma to most people, particularly men. They’re all of the female persuasion of course which means they’re pretty unfathomable anyway; but nuns are even more so. We in the clergy like to dress funny and nuns are no exception.
Monks are easy to explain - single, lonely men living in cells, often silently, praying to The Great Joo Joo in the sky. They do this at the most awkward times of day designed to ensure chronic sleep deprivation, and sometimes whipping themselves because … well, I have yet to figure that one out. But it keeps them happy. Say no more.
Nuns are different. They get to do a lot of stuff behind closed doors that we men can only guess at (Ninja training immediately springs to mind). But semi-informed fantasizing as to what nuns get up to alone, or not, dressed in their (black?) PJs at night is one of the many unadvertised perks of our job. Priests often find it stiffens their resolve - or whatever else one wishes to call it - particularly if they’ve just been teased by a naughty or insolent nun (rather than being decked by one!).
There’s a rumour that they earn points for confusing us male-type clergy, not a difficult task for the female mind. Contact with nuns nearly always leaves the priesthood confused and frustrated, just like real men with real women I suppose. In my case contact with nuns seems to leave me semi-conscious and lying prone across the pavement. Fortunately for the clergy, this form of theological male/female encounter is usually atypical. But as we like to say, ‘Everything happens for a reason, it’s all part of His Grand Design’. I can’t for the life of me imagine how though. He could at least have given me a Heads Up.
Perhaps He’s upset at something I said? Maybe it’s a sign? One can never really tell.
Of course priests are not allowed to marry, they are supposed to spend all their energies on their congregations. With the stories in the newspapers, together with the subsequent appearances in court, the effectiveness of this policy has been well and truly confirmed over the last few years. Particularly when pertaining to the young and vulnerable.
A lot of nuns however, profess to ‘marry’ God or Christ. ‘Tut! Tut! Typical women.’ you may think, ‘They just can’t avoid having a good wedding can they?’. But even though they shouldn’t have, they still managed to wangle one into their celibate (?) lives. In truth the lack of a Y chromosome diminishes the power of the female - not a jot! Two Xs and a wedding is going to happen sooner or later come hell or high water.
And this is just one of the many things you may find confusing about religion because: -
1. He’s a God / Demi-God / Son-Of-God / Prophet (or whatever, we haven’t decided yet)
2. He probably can’t understand Latin let alone English (he spoke Aramaic)
3. He may only be allowed one wife, or up to four (depending on the book)
4. He is always quite silent during the ceremony (never heard him say ‘I do’ or ‘Not again!’)
5. His name was actually Yeshua, not Jesus at all (‘Jesus’ was a mistranslation)
6. He may be completely unaware he’s actually been married (see points 2 and 5)
7. He’s dead
In point of fact nuns do not marry Christ, or God. Their marriage to the deity (or Son-of-Deity or Prophet etc.) is a ceremony and commitment of a symbolic manifestation of the things they give up in preference to living a single, unattached life. Just like a real marriage in fact. But it isn’t, even though in a lot of ways it is. And it’s called a marriage, and there’s a ceremony, and they wear a bridal gown and have a wedding ring too. The only things lacking are the bridegroom, the honeymoon and the cake. (Frankly I’m not so sure about the cake either!).
But none of that deters the inimitable female spirit. A wedding is a wedding for Christ’s sake, and woe betide any mortal, or immortal for that matter, who dares stand in the way!
Besides, somewhere the Bible refers to God/Christ as a bridegroom, so I reckon that was good enough for the girls. Perhaps He makes the perfect groom. He’s not needed to be actually, physically present. And as for the honeymoon, well the wedding is the main event and quite often a honeymoon is simply considered as the groom’s reward for good behaviour during the ceremony. If there’s no groom (or he’s just a perfectly behaved holy ghost) then so be it. No harm done there. Cheaper too.
One sometimes wonders if Jesus has bachelor parties, but I suspect after the first one the question soon became moot.
Now in our user manual for nuns, it states: “Virgins who, committed to the holy plan of following Christ more closely, are consecrated to God by the diocesan bishop according to the approved liturgical rite, are betrothed mystically to Christ, the Son of God, and are dedicated to the service of the Church.”
According to Deuteronomy 22:13-21 if she isn’t a virgin then she’s allowed to get stoned … or they stone her to death - one or the other I forget which but if I know the Bible it’s going to be the “less fun” option.
So in any case, you can see how the Church approaches quality control. With deadly efficiency. Pity the poor nun who isn’t a virgin - although how they find out leaves us men-in-black all a-quiver. A vivid imagination is not a good attribute for a clergyman. But maybe that’s the reason why monks keep whipping themselves - to purge those impure thoughts. Especially if your cellmate has hairy legs and halitosis. The alternative is at best, a sin, at worst, a sin with sore bits and recurring nightmares - not good if you’re already sleep deprived.
If you are as confused as most of us, then I can assure you that’s yet another advantageous, and therefore necessary, aspect of having a complex religion. Teaching this sort of stuff to the layman requires us to have endured years of training beforehand to simply understand it, let alone explain it to dumb-arsed sheep-brains like you lot. But if we have to explain it, then by default the person asking the question has already bought into the concept so we’re already ahead. That’s the point of it all, if it made any sense it wouldn’t work half as well.
Remember that all this ‘stuff’ is inspired by God, so by definition it is perfect. Nevertheless I must confess that I didn’t pass ‘Introduction to Basic Theory Of Nuns - 101’ with a good pass mark (my black eye is testimony to that), so some of what I say may not exactly be accurate. Please forgive me for that (as I often mumble during prayers).
Now I know a lot men baulk at the idea of having more than one wife let alone eighty thousand or so, but remember that in the Bible men are allowed to dominate their wives physically. So presumably Christ can happily knock about any nuns that step out of line. Or even better, get Mother Superior to do it if he sends her a sign (just like God he tends to eschew email - probably because there isn’t a decent Aramaic font or Aramaic spell checker yet. Take note Mr. Gates!).
Have you noticed that nuns wear very thick habits covering all their body except for their faces? This is no accident of design. Striking the face of any female is simply not allowed (but apparently it’s no-holds barred for us men-in-black!). The rest of their bodies are covered in that black armour so once again, equipped like the knights of old, the nuns are ahead of the game and have come fully prepared to tease, be naughty, insolent, contrary, (violent) or anything else female. And they can get away with it too.
Moral: Don’t mess with nuns.
...and don’t even think of messing with Mother Superiors (aka ‘Super Nuns’).
And what do nuns wear under their habits? Well again, that’s for us men in the priesthood to speculate upon and fantasize over on those dark lonely nights after the choir boys have gone home. Of course that lucky bugger Christ would know if he’s married to them - which apparently he isn’t (but they are?). But then again being an ethereal omnipresent ghost-type-thing I reckon he couldn’t prevent himself from taking the odd surreptitious peek every now and then. I know I would, but He wouldn’t need to ask for forgiveness would He?
Somehow though, one gets the feeling that either a nuns’ choice in lingerie is desperately lacking, or that somewhere along the line one of them managed to turn him gay. There hasn’t been any more immaculate conceptions despite those tens of thousands of opportunities. Some of them must have been attractive surely?
Perhaps they need to be illegally young like Mary was, or of course, it may be simply be because of one of the points itemised in the list above.
One might think that nuns marrying priests would be a far more efficient system. More than a few priests certainly do. Most nuns certainly don’t. We suggested to the Church that they could do it on a meritorious basis and we figured there could be a pretty good discount on the cost of marriages.
Sadly though, the Church believes that priests are best kept terrorising their congregations rather than just picking on a single hapless nun/wife (although the evidence of my black eye indicates that maybe the terrorism would be in the other direction). Perhaps, in their infinite wisdom, the Church thinks priests wouldn’t be good role models for their flocks if they had to practice what they preach.
Certainly the courts have recently come to that same decision for priests practising stuff that they don’t preach.
Until next time,
Praise The Lord!
The Right Dick Ed.
May God go with you.
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