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The New Jersey Successful Divorce Support Group Message Board › What are your most challeging issues in your divorce right now?

What are your most challeging issues in your divorce right now?

A former member
Post #: 7
I would like to find out what you are dealing with in your divorce and try to help members of the group by getting an e-mail thread going where you can post a question and maybe someone in the group who has been there and resolved the issue can help you with advice. If you make a connection with someone and want to e-mail them directly go ahead and do so as well - it is all about making new friends and helping each other - One thing to remember is no matter what the issue is never lose control of your emotions.
It will allow you to have a clear mind and focus on how best to deal with it. If you have children you will constantly have to deal with your ex on things like parental time, school work, birthday parties, family events and then if you or your ex are dating it adds a whole new dimension to it. My recommendation from experience is to not introduce anyone you are dating to your kids until you and your boy/girl friend have develop a level of trust and have successfully begun to build a solid relationship that is ready to deal with each others ex-spouse and all of the drama that comes with dealing with each others kids - So to begin the conversation the current challenge I am having with my ex-wife is with our kids and their school work - She is the custodial parent and my daughter is a sophomore in HS and my son is in 2nd grade. I find that she does not communicate with me what is going on with their schools so I have to go on line on my own and she focuses too much on her boyfriend and her needs and not enough on the kids needs. Anyone else been thru this or can shed some light as to how I deal with it? Have a great day - Joe
Colonia, NJ
Post #: 2
To Joe:
I second what Michele said about asking the kids teachers to cc: you directly on what is going on with the kids. Don't be shy to go directly to their teachers, I would think the educators would be more than happy to share what's going on with the kids with a engaged & concerned parent. Better for them to be repeating themselves than for you to be in the dark. My daughter is only 5 right now & I do this with her day care center, her teachers cc: me on her stuff & I ask them for status reports on how she is doing in class - they will also come to me pro-actively with any concerns they have so I can address them & attempt to find a solution with her mother. I made sure the day care center knows that we have issues communicating & they have been great about keeping us both in the loop.

As far as your ex-wife and her focusing on her needs, it's a given that neither one of you can really control to any great extent what the other ones does or whether you approve of each others actions. I look at it like this: You can attempt to take up the slack (of your ex-wife's reduced involvement), so to speak, in your interactions with your kids but I would probably say just be the best Dad you can be. If you do that, it already covers everything you should be doing anyway. Your oldest child can communicate their needs directly to you, for the younger one you'll need to communicate to their teacher that you are concerned & wish to be proactive - but do so without 'bashing' the ex. (That part can be hard & I try really hard to not let my attitude about the STBX bleed into other interactions) Try to explain that due to circumstances you and your ex don't communicate well right now about the children's schooling, & if the teachers are really on the side of your kids they'll help out however they can.

To Michele:
I wishing you well on your issues & I think what is happening with your ex-inlaws might be common. You will develop new relationships and a new support network with new people who are around you, help you and care about you and your children because they like you and they want to - not out of a societal 'norm' of relationship by marriage.

My old support network was severely damaged when I separated because like you most of the family interaction was with her family & friends. I wasted no time in immediately re-building a new support network with the parents of our daughters friends & many of my own friends and I'm actively growing my social circles so that I have good people in my life that are there because they want to be, not because I was a free gift that came with the ring.

My issues:
1. I'm still married <laugh>
2. Shared parenting - Things are getting a little better, but she keeps trying to co-mingle other divorce issues with parenting stuff (creating issues @ pick-up/drop off about money or property distribution) She hurled the F-bomb @ me for the last pick-up @ my house when I ended a conversation I felt we shouldn't be having anyway- so those may be moving very shortly to Taco Bell or someplace.
3. Equitable distribution issues are probably going to make this take a little longer than I had hoped.
4. I'm a great catch & can't date due to issue #1! <laugh> (& yes I got to keep my self-confidence & ego in the separation agreement) Seriously, I'll be heeding Joe's advice here and what I've read elsewhere about dating post divorce and bringing new potential SO's around my daughter. It's a loooong process.


A former member
Post #: 3
Having been a teacher, take the initiative and reach out to the teachers/school. They will be more than happy to help. My soon to be ex husband told me to contact the school to do this for him. I declined because I felt that he needed to take that initiative. I actually don't know if he did it or not. I do email him with good news and bad news on the academic front, but if he wants a conference, he has to schedule it. That is my main issue - communication. As I said, I do email him/text him to let him know what is going on with our 4 kids (1 in college, 2 in hs, 1 in gr. 5),but more likely than not, I do not get a response from him at all when I do. I've been waiting since Jan 31st for him to send his financial information to the acct. so that we could file the FAFSA for college. When I ask him for this, again, no response. I've done what I can as far as using an estimate, but it is very frustrating. It seems to me he is enjoying holding me financially hostage. I am at the point where I just want it all to be over.
A former member
Post #: 8
Milton, Michelle, Cami - Thank you for the great advice about talking directly to my kids teachers.
user 8527081
Middletown, NJ
Post #: 20
Hey Joe,
I think the most difficult aspects of my divorce have to do with not seeing the kids for several days and that sense of vacuum when they leave.
I am recently divorced after a year and a couple months of a bitter, ugly, draining and expensive battle.
As with most that went through this process - it left me numb.
So for sake of time I will simply list some of my challenging issues:

Coming to grips with paying alimony for the next twelve years - I was married 18
Coming to grips with having to pay half of the ex's attorney's fees - Did I just sue myself for divorce?
Having the ex move on so quickly - during the separation
Paying my attorney for simply telling me "your fighting the law"

I could go on but ........
A former member
Post #: 1

My sister is a teacher and feels that parents do not get involved enough with their children's education. She suggests setting up a meeting in person or by phone for a progress update. Let the teacher know the situation. Ask the teacher for a progress report on a regular basis. If there are parent-teacher conferences, it is in your best interest to go to them or schedule a phone conference with teacher if cant make it. The teacher will be happy you are interested in her education. There are too many pressures: drugs, sex,alcohol etc and need to be on top of situation and who she hangs out with. You need to focus on your children's needs- they are your #1 priority.

My divorce issues:
-My husband claims he has no money, lives off of 401K, lost job and cant get new one because mentally cant emotional problems/ depression.
-Yet he lives at his parents most of time and rents a $2400/mo apt, leases an infinity and lives 50 miles from children. Do to illness- has spent over 200K on lawyer
-Husband drives an infinity, and refuses to find job. Might have to sell house in bad economy and where would I go. No family in NJ. Have three children under 5.
-Cannot even consider taking my husband back right now until he is emotionally able to get back on his feet. I have enough on my plate and to not need him as a crutch.
-I lost my job when pregnant with twins and not worked in 2 yrs to nurture my daughter born under 4 lbs.. Cannot find job in this economy with 2 yr gap on resume.-
-My husband now wants us to reconcile and try to make marriage work. Cant have him back in his mental state until he in emotionally stable and needs to finds a job. Not sure if should even try to reconcile -
-My money is dwindling -no income in 2 yrs and lawyer bills.
-What to do in this situation?

A former member
Post #: 1
Hi every one. Uhm, new and well this is a very humbling experiance.

My issues:
1. I'm devistated.
2. Angry and resentful.
3. I don't get to put my son to bed every night like I am suppose to.
4. The love of my life is cold to me and doesn't even show an ounce of emotion.
5. I feel so rejected that it's hard to think I'll find any one that I will love again and will love me.
6. I'm just unhappy

If it helps, I'd probably feel less pain if she litteraly pulled my heart out of my chest.
A former member
Post #: 105
I am always amazed at people who are emotionally mature enough to realize, especially where children are involved, just how important it is to ensure that both parties land securely and on their feet from a divorce. In the majority of cases one or the other party is angry and shortsightedly takes that anger out on the other person. This happened in my divorce. I was financially crippled, dutifully pay support for my children to my ex, but also pay for them when the are with me. The financial cost has been staggering and even after working at a job in government 20 years this month, I am now looking for a second job at night so that I can figure out a way to get a used car.

After almost four years of divorce, my ex and I still can't find a way to be civil to one another. I want to...I have forgiven her and want her to have a happy life but she still does things so against what I believe. She just got remarried to man who is closer to her in age, but who is also the antithesis of me...he's very wealthy, smokes, and doesn't really engage my children much. They both drink a fair amount and he only gets chatty with the kids when he is drinking. Watching my ex thrust him into the lives of my children has been painful to watch...I get that she deserves happiness and to live her life as she chooses, I just never though I would see her put her kids second to a man of power and wealth. Sickens me.
A former member
Post #: 1
I am sorry this happened to you. For me its all about the kids. I have just separted from my cheating husband and while i am hurting and really mad i have chosen the high road. (Other then kicking his ass out). I have told him that i want this to be done quickly and cheaply. I am hoping to keep this divorce under $10k. The only way to do that is to agree on things. I told him to make a list of what he wants from the house and we will discuss it. But since i gave up my career to be a stay at home mom he will have to support us until i get a job. I don't expect that to be forever but i shouldn't have to change my kids life style b/c he couldn't keep his pants zipped.
A former member
Post #: 2
I don't think there is enought room for all my issues but here are some of them.

1. I am completely devastated. I am trying to hold it together for the kids.
2. I am lonely. I miss the person i thought was the love of my life, best friend, soul mate.
3. I am not sure i will ever trust anyone again.
4. All our friends are couples and i feel a little isolated.
5. How do i meet a nice guy. Its been so long since i dated. I wouldn't even know how too.
6. Financial issues. I gave up a career to raise my kids, who are still little, and now i have to worry about finding a job.
7. How do i explain to my babies that its not mommys fault that daddy isn't here.
8. How do i explain that they can't have things they are use to b/c we can't afford it.
9. When do i find some me time
10. How do i just holdit all together

I could keep going but why bother you get the idea.......
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