The New Jersey Successful Divorce Support Group Message Board › What are your most challeging issues in your divorce right now?

What are your most challeging issues in your divorce right now?

A former member
Post #: 2
Hi- The most challeging issue is everything. Everytime I think I am getting my footing, he does something. The only family I have is my children. I am completely alone. I fear I am going to lose my house, and my son will be forced to see him, something my son does not want to do and has begged not to let happen.
My husband seems to be giving and loving to all but behind the doors he was controlling and got want he wanted. Now I fear he will get his way again. I will end up with nothing. I feel emotional empty and more alone then ever in my life. I do not drive and do not have any money for a car, I live in a area where you can't walk to the stores. I wish I had some answers to the future and someone to help me get there.
Monica
user 14027903
Ringoes, NJ
Post #: 4
Hi, my name is Monica and I have not been an active member since I feel like my divorce has been taking over my life. It has been almost 3 years since the separation that occurred, which was a result of a DV that occurred that scared me to death. We only just finally completed custody. I'm so devastated with the settlement, but I know I have no choice with these things. I feel like if I had more money, I could fight this more and feel better about the outcome. The system is so broken, and unless you have an endless resource of funds, there is no way you can get the outcome that you hope for.

I am hoping to get more with the finances. But that will have to wait for trial sometime in January. It's seems a long time to wait, but I am looking forward to getting it over with.

My husband is also very controlling, and he always seems to get what he wants. This custody battle was a perfect example of this. My lawyer is tryng to tell me that regarding his finances, this controlling behavior will get the best of him and I should get my fair share so I can be secure in my future. I hope the best for you in your fight, but if you need to talk, feel free to reach out. I also have two very young children that are caught up in this mess, that really should not be going through this, but of course thier father makes things so difficult to do anything without conflict.

Good luck to you,

Monica
A former member
Post #: 10
Hello Everyone, I'm new to this group and just read everyone's replies in this discussion. I am a newly divorced mother of two babies, ages 18 months and 2 1/2 years old. I'm not sure who will read this response, but I couldn't help but take time to respond to some of your messages.

To begin with, I would never wish anyone a divorce. It has been a very depressing and heartbreaking road to come across. I often refer to my divorce as a mourning of someone's death, however, their ghost lingers on and you relive everything each time you see your ex or things that remind you of them.

I made the decision to end my marriage because I truly was unhappy and I didn't want my children to see the verbal abuse and grow up thinking that it was normal. I wanted a better life for my children. There are days when I wonder if I made the right decision and those are the days that I'm at my lowest. But, I have to remind myself of the misery that I was living in and continue to focus on my children.

I've been on an emotional roller coaster the past year, but somehow I've been able to get by. I have a strong support from my family and friends and rely mostly on my faith in God. I've come to realize that I cannot control every little situation, but can only pray that God is working in my life and will open doors for my children and I. I, like many of you, am facing foreclosure on my house, financial hardship and feeling lonely. However, I have a strong belief that good things are coming my way. We go through these experiences to learn from our past and become better people for our children and the next person that walks into our lives.

My best advice to everyone is to not allow the divorce to take over your life. I know it's easier said than done when you have a pile of bills staring at you or your faced with the threat of losing your home. Don't entertain any negative thoughts and know that you are worth much more than someone who thinks they have control over your life. Put your trust in God and believe that things will get better and they will. Stay positive and know that good things are in store for you and your children.

I can't say that my life is perfect or that it will ever be, but I know that I'm headed in the right direction. I continue to surround myself with people that love me and are there to support my decisions. I don't worry about money or materialistic things. I thank God everyday that I have my beautiful children and my career that sustains us.

I wish everyone the very best and please do not hesitate to reach out to me for support.

Love,
Maribel


Ben
user 32417962
Kenilworth, NJ
Post #: 1
My #1 concern is how to pay for my legal fees and credit card debt and still be able to support myself after the divorce is final. It has been 6 months since i filed with no end in sight and my wife is determined to destroy me and herself and the kids as well.

Second, is to find reliable babysitters for various times when I have custody and school is out and I must go to work, etc. If anyone has suggestions about how to find babysitters, let me know.
John
user 8408624
Englishtown, NJ
Post #: 16
I was away with my son at a hotel this weekend. After having so much fun with him in the pool for hours there was a couple that came in with their kids. When the kids were playing with their mom I watched my son just sit there and watch this interaction. He smiled and laughed and I felt the pain. He does not have his mom in his life and I realized that no matter how much I snuggle with him,play music, and try to be a mom figure in many ways it will never be enough.

That has become my most challenging issue.....
Noel
user 41287142
West Orange, NJ
Post #: 7
The most challenging thing in my divorce is:
1) I don't want the divorce!
2) I don't really think she wants the divorce.
3) She is so hurt and angry (making her want the divorce out of anger)
4) not being able to show her that I can change
5) tryin to figure how to get her to join me in a counseling session
6) how do I earn her trust back?
7) how do I get a foot in the door of her heart?
Rosemary
rosem
Middletown, NJ
Post #: 1
I think the most challenging thing in my divorce is:

Anger
Hurt
Don't want the divorce but have no choice
How to trust again
When someone blames you for things telling then tells you well you did this to me so it gives him justification to cheat, I'm sorry but I can't by that. Did I make mistakes in my marriage yes I did, and trying to own up to them and trying to make myself a better person, but the husband still continues to cheat it does not give much room to reconcile. Right now we are at the property settlement agreement stage and if all goes well and he accepts it, then we just go to court and that will be it.
I have been married for over 30 years and twice to the same man. He has cheated on my pretty much all thought our marriage, and as much as he hurts me, why do I still love him and want to be with him, i must be nuts, but just can't help my feelings. I thought i was being a good wife I did everything for him but when I wanted something from him he would always brush me off. Maybe that was my problem doing everything for him thinking that the more I did the better it would be, but it turns out he only wanted more and more.
I thank God I have my daughter in my life, my only child and my best friend. Unfortunately she has experienced everything that her father has put me through. He was never much of a father to her even when she was very ill. I'm not saying he does not love her, he does, but he just does not know how to be a father. She is married with a wonderful husband and I have to say my prayers were answered when she met him.
I asked my husband if this is what he really wants and maybe we can work on things, but he is not willing to go to counseling. Again he brought up my faults to give him justification to what he does. So right now I have to say I have to move on with my life. I know it will be hard, but I have gone to some support meetings with Joe and they have helped.

Rosem
Mary Jean S.
user 21305031
Perth Amboy, NJ
Post #: 1
I have been divorced now for a little over 2 years and my most challenging issues are depression, loneliness, feeling inadequate and not knowing how to move forward. I lost my job about a year ago, so being unemployed and barely scraping by doesn't help. I live alone in a small one bedroom apartment. I don't have any children to worry about, so it's just me. I hardly ever go out of the apartment unless I have to go food shopping, or to the doctor, pharmacy, bank or post office. I don't go out because of my depression and I'm lonely because I don't go out, so it's a catch 22. I tried going to a few meet-ups, but even though everyone was very friendly, I felt like an outsider. I also tried dating, but usually after 2 or 3 dates they lose interest. My family, which are my 4 brothers, don't live near me and really don't understand my situation. Plus they have their own lives and families with not much time for anything else. I don't really have any friends, since most of them were mutual friends of my ex & I. They don't want to take sides so they keep their distance.

After 2 years you think I would have moved on or learned how to move on. I'm not hung up on my ex since we both weren't happy, grew apart and both wanted the divorce. I just don't know what to do anymore. Can anyone help?
Noel
user 41287142
West Orange, NJ
Post #: 8
Mary Jean, I know i'm new to this but I think i can honestly say everyone has felt that depression and lonliness at one point or another during and after being "Newly Single"... Staying in that one bedroom apartment with nothing but your thoughts is a recipe for disaster. You need to get yourself out the door, go to another meet up, there are so many wonderful people in this group and there are many more groups out there with great people that really do want to help others get over their depression. What are hobbies that you enjoy? What typically puts a smile on your face? Being in a depressed state of mind I would honestly think dating is the way to go. Emotionally you have nothing to offer, you need to rediscover yourself, truly find the fun loving person you were and you will see how a possitive attitude will attract the most wonderfull people into your life. Get out of the house go another meetup that fits your style, or better yet do something crazy and go to a meetup that you never thought you would ever attend. Mix things up and allow yourself to be around a veriety of great people. Moving on is not an easy thing to do especially if you been in a relationship for a long time. Rediscover what living life to the fullest is all about. Have some faith and be proud of who Mary Jean really is. Mary dont give up on yourself!
A former member
Post #: 1
I wish I can be of help to some of the people who posted comments on here but I am basically recently divorced and don't have any answers for myself or anyone else. I wish I did. But here's what's been killing me. I gave my wife custody of my son in our divorce. I allowed my wife to leave the country with my son to her native country of Europe. I also agreed to this in the divorce papers BUT at the time my wife and I were getting along and working on our marriage. She told me that she only asked for me to agree to let her take my son to Europe so it would be easier to visit her family. I agreed because she said that she would never take my son away from me.

I agreed to let her go to Europe to visit her family almost 2 years ago. She was supposed to be there for 6 months to a year, while I studied to pass the NJ bar exam. She said that she was coming back. She told me when I gave her custody of my son that she would never take him away from me. Now, about two weeks ago, she just told me she is getting married. The whole time she has been in Europe, I guess, she has been with someone. I didn't know. I thought we were working on her marriage and she was going to come back.

Now, she tells me that she is not coming back and that she doesn't want me in her life. She wants to move on with my son. She said that her new fiancee loves my child like his own son and that I should look for a new family. It was hard to hear that she is getting married when I thought we were working on our marriage but I can accept it. I can't accept being pushed out of my son's life. I love my son very much. She tells me to stop emailing her and to move on. She says that my son doesn't want to talk to me and that he loves her new fiancee like a daddy. (My son is only four years old and we ALWAYS got along and loved each other very much.) I really don't know what to do. I can't fight in court because I gave her custody and allowed her to take my son to Europe. I can only go on her word to me that she said she would come back to America and that she would never take my son away from me. Since she has gotten engaged, she has become a different person. When I went to Europe not this last Christams but the Christams before, we slept together, hugged, kissed and had a good time. Now she wants nothing to do with me. I keep emailing her begging to have a relationship with my son. I ask her to skype my at least once a week so I can see my son and so we get to know each other. He doesn't speak English right now but understands what I'm saying. When I ask him a question, he understands me but responds to me in his native European tongue. It hurts so bad but I want to keep it up no matter what. I'm dying inside that my ex doesn't want me to be apart of his life. I'm dying that he is calling some new guy who my wife knows for a year or less daddy. I'm dying inside that I won't get to grow up with him. But I guess my question is to ANYBODY who has ever been in a similar situation is how to I keep a relationship with him when my ex doesn't want me to and is doing everything she can to alienate me from my new son. I want my son to know that I'm alive and that I love him. I can wait until he is older to see him and catch up but I want him to know that his real dad loves him so much. I'm afraid that while he grows up in Europe with a stepfather that he is going to love his stepfather more than me when he doesn't know how much I love him and want to be with him. It breaks my heart. I wish I can be more articulate about my feelings but this is the jist of my pain. Please help if you can. thank you Kevin
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