"...and in entertainment news, nova-hot goblin thrash rock industrial wiz pop band The No Shows have lived up to their name as D&B Records canceled all of the group's upcoming performances.
"No official statement has been given but insiders speaking on condition of anonymity claim that band members and their manager apparently absconded to Barbados for a weekend getaway that somehow went horribly wrong. However various sources in both the Metroplex and Caribbean League contradict that story, and rumors abound.
"While no one can agree on the cause, the effects appear to be severe as the studio has reportedly brought in several psychological experts. Seemingly unaffected, bassist "Cool Louis" Brown released a statement via social media before being sequestered with the rest of the group:
"craziest ride of my life!! started ace then went drek wild.. ask for barbados, yolo omae!"
"The Caribbean League tourism board reports an increase in Barbados bookings as fans take the statement at face value.
"And now to Dan with the weather, tracking an unnaturally wild storm sweeping in from the Salish-Shidhe border overnight. Dan?"