The SD SportRiders Chronicles are reporting the following...
FASTEDDIE'S HOMECOMING RIDE...
FastEddie is coming home from the sandbox (or jungle, or rain forest, or tundra, or rice patties...who the hell knows)...and we want to celebrate with a parade, complete with floats, fireworks, apple pie and a square dance. The parade route will be a twistie one to say the least...we have a group of blind grannies in electric scooters to thank for this.
Starting at the friendly petrol station on Otay Lakes Road, we will zip up to Campo and back...making a landing onto Otay Lakes. What a zinger! KSU at 8:30 am sharp.
DOCTORS KNOW THE CAUSE FOR FASTEDDIE'S SPORTBIKE OBSESSIONS...
Explaining that he has been knocked around pretty hard lately by all kinds of confusing new emotions and awkward changes to his body, local sources confirmed on May 23, 2014 that puberty is absolutely teeing off on area sportrider FastEddie.
According to individuals close to the 29-year-old (soon to be 30), the period of physical and sexual maturation is “having a field day with the poor guy,” coming at him from all sides with oily, blemish-ridden skin, repugnant body odor, and a voice that cracks every time he tries to speak.
“It really just came out of nowhere and laid right into him,” said an unnamed source, who has noted FastEddie's severely protruding Adam’s apple and ill-fitting clothes as he rapidly grows in height. “Between the uncontrollable sweating and the greasy scalp, he’s in pretty rough shape. It’s like adolescence just opened up and blasted him right in the face with both barrels.”
Sources further reported that the local sportbike rider's rising levels of androgens and testosterone have given it to him pretty hard, pounding him nonstop with everything from uncontrollable urges to ride his sportbike at insane speeds and distances in the wee hours.
Doctors claim that these symptoms are to be expected, and the only treatment is a birthday ride of his lifetime (sportbike ride of course)!
If you have any special concerns or required accommodations for the above reported events, please call or text the doctor at[masked] (Brendon).