This salon covers science, opinions, and tips on detecting lies and finding truth - at home, at work, with friends, and in love. Most of the time will be in discussion, but we will also learn some science of detecting lies from an international expert who has trained lawyers, judges, executives, and others to detect lies and get to the truth: UC Professor of Law and salon member- Clark Freshman.
Clark will share some research rather briefly on lies such as:
• Most of us lie:when two people meet, each says three untrue things in the first fifteen minutes.
• Nearly everyone is terrible at detecting lies - including police and judges.
• You actually can get better at detecting lies - four sets of clues show up when people lie.
II. Ice Breaker
What is the biggest lie you have ever told?
III. Suggested Discussion Topics
Inner Self Lies
How do we lie to ourselves? What are some of your examples? Why do we do this?
• Example: If you're single, you may skip a charity event mixer because you believe that there won't be any suitable dating prospects for you. Upon deeper introspection, you may realize you are actually afriad of being rejected if you do approach someone you are interested in.
Do you want your friends to tell you when they think you are lying to yourself?
Did you ever lie to yourself about being bisexual before accepting that you are gay? What about lying to yourself about being versatile when actually a bottom? If telling other people these things, are you lying to them if you believe the lie that you are telling yourself?
How out are you? Do you ever imply you are straight? Or neglect to correct someone who presumes you are straight? Why?
What about fixations on a future scenario with a low probability, like the Cinderella fantasy of being swept off your feet by an obscenly rich and handsome Prince Charming who will solve all your problems?
Dating and Relationship Lies
What kind of lies have we heard? Have we told?
Is it okay not to mention that you have a boyfriend/husband when someone starts getting flirtatious?
If you are in a non-monogamous relationship, is it okay not to mention that have boyfriend/husband before you become intimate with someone else?
What about age? Is there an acceptable number of years to shave? Or should one not lie at all?
What about the size of one's phallic member? Is it acceptable to add an inch or two in online profiles?
What about extremely flattering photos that are not as representative of one's normal appearance?
What about HIV status disclosure? Should lying that one is HIV- (when one is knowingly HIV+) before engaging in sex be considered a crime (as it is in some States)? Independent of legal concerns, what are your thoughts on that scenario from an ethics perspective? What about when one does not disclose that he is HIV+ because the question was never raised before sex?
If one is dating multiple people, when is the right time to disclose that and/or make a choice to focus on just one? What about leading a prospect to think he is your only beau, while never actually telling a lie?
How do we get at the truth in circumstances?
What are you thoughts on selective omissions that are not technically lies? How do you feel about active deception (when no lies are technically being told)?
What are your thoughts on "Negotiated Safey":
• Example: Parents tell their children not to drink, but assure them that if they ever call home drunk asking for a ride that they will never be punished for that episode of drinking.
• Example: A couple agrees to be monogamous but also agrees not to break up if partner strays and tells the other partner. Then they can take action to be more safe for period of time after the disclosed stray.
Would it be better not to speak of lying? Does the acknowledgment that we lie taint the relationship with the person we are discussing this with?
What do you think of white lies?
Should we consider the purpose/intent of lies when determining our reaction?
• Example: A typical "It's not you, it's me" breakup speech when there really is a whole list of reasons your ex is leaving you.