Science of the Mind Message Board › Assertive behavior is associated with happiness.
|A former member||
I think all humans need a philosophy to understand if they are happy. Here is mine. I think a lot of right wing thinking people are confusing “freedom” with “happiness.”
I think all humans need a philosophy to understand if they are happy. Here is mine
HAPPINESS IS GETTING WHAT YOU NEED.
EVERYONE NEEDS: Liberty, peace, health, sex, mind exercise, knowledge,
personal associations, art and creativity, character and a sense of
justice, // and to be assertive (to be able to say "no" without feeling
NO ONE NEEDS ARBITRARY POWER OVER OTHER PEOPLE –
This is Mortimer Adler's definition of happiness and my additions in // bold type //.
Also assertive behavior is associated with happiness.
The Science of Assertiveness theory -- aka folk knowledge (trial and error science)
Assertive (Leadership) behavior of humans: Builds relationships
Will the long-term affects be worse than any short-term discomfort I may feel if I am assertive in the first place?
The word "NO", may have to be repeated over and over, as in a broken record.
An angry and loud communication can be assertive if one is expressing feelings (Using the word "I", ( I am really god damn anger at you ...)
vs. HOSTILE behavior-destroys a relationship: ... You dumb ass, didn't your mother teach you to report to work on time, etc. etc. Why, didn't you do such and such....
If someone has a habit of saying, "Why, don't you do such and such..." we all understand this to mean "I want you" to do such and such. There seems to be some kind of a minor taboo in our culture against people saying straight up, that they want.
On the use of the word YOU:
...the use of the word "you" is assertive when a person is acting in the role of boss, parent, or leader, for example, a law enforcer, a teacher, the chair of a meeting.
"You are expected to" (follow the rules, etc) , then every time the other person comes up with excuses, sob stories, etc, repeating this phase again and again ("You are expected to" (aka using the broken record shows the other person that you are not afraid to stand your ground and they need for them to rethink their poor behavior.
But remember being skeptically silent is assertive. Meaning if I try to get the last word.. will I get punched in the nose or some other bad result.
Speaking up in a group to speak is assertive because one is taking the "psychological space" of the whole group.
Hostile behavior: A person uses sarcasm and intimidation to get what they want. One may get what they want, but destroys the relationship afterwards.
It is easy to give up the benefits of hostile behavior when I value myself enough to avoid getting agitated over minor issues and when I am imperfect and incorrect.
Non-assertive behavior: (shy behavior) doing nothing about unpleasant situations and simply try to ignore ones feelings and desires. While it may prevent conflicts with others, one probably will wind up feeling helpless, exploited, angry, and disappointed with one’s self. Being “too shy” to do something.
For example, “I am sorry to bother you.” This is an example, of how being NICE sucks us into a non-assertive down-hill fall. vs. “I want to talk to you.” “ I need your help or I need or want to talk to you.”
or "It was nice talking to you." (when it wasn't and you didn't enjoy talking to them).
Basic Assertive Rights:
1. The right to act in ways that promote my dignity and self-respect as long as others’ rights are not violated in the process.
2. The right to be treated with respect.
3. The right to say no and not feel guilty.
4. The right to experience and express feelings.
5. The right to take time to slow down and think.
6. The right to change my mind.
7. The right to ask for what I want.
8. The right to do less than I are humanly capable of doing.
9. The right to ask for information.
10. The right to make mistakes.
11. The right to feel good about myself.
Must I always assert my rights?
No, I am always free to choose not to assert myself, assuming that I am also willing to take the responsibility for whatever consequences may then occur.
" I don't have to be assertive all the time". Or "I don't have to be perfect.. I have a right to make mistakes."
Source: The Assertive Option by Patricia Jakubowski and Arthur J. Lange
and NO TRESPASSING by Barker and Barker.