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What We Played: Get Your Rabies Away From My Heroin (Fiasco)

Feiya
Feiya
Seattle, WA
Post #: 3
Players: Rob, Feiya, Katie, Jenny, Debbie

Jonesy Jones (Played by Rob) - an 89 year old ex-parole officer who lives with his granddaughter in a trailer by the high school, where he usually sits outside with a beer perving on the young girls. He's trying to fix a vintage car for his ex-coworker.

Sarah Jones (Played by Feiya) - a 42 year old EPA official who has a heroin problem and spends all of her time "inspecting" clients, who in return, graciously give her "donations".

Sonya Lawson (Played by Katie) - a 47 year old successful cow ranch owner, also has a heroin problem. Has been breaking EPA rules right and left, so she has to submit to weekly inspections and donations.

Billy Bob Dirt (Played by Jenny) - a 43 year old mink farmer, who is also the town's sole heroin supplier. Used to be romantically involved with Sonya.

Sam Cole (Played by Debbie) - a "29" year old butch parole officer of Billy Bob, who is also in cahoots with him with the mink farm.



The story begins with Sam angrily demanding to know why her car isn't fixed yet. Jonesy, drunk as usual, makes outlandish statements but manages to procure another two weeks in which to get his act, and the car together. Meanwhile, Sarah is paying an inspection visit to Sonya's cow ranch and receives an Abe Lincoln and a nice car.

While the two of them are visiting, Sam makes an unexpected visit and upon seeing Sarah, Jonesy's granddaughter, airs her grievances about the old man and tells Sarah that she's threatening to sue Jonesy if he doesn't get her car fixed up in two weeks. Sarah doesn't want her reputation to be blemished by her grandpappy having to go to trial so she offers up her newly acquired car for Sam's use if she'll be more lenient.

Sonya pays a visit to Billy Bob to procure some more heroin. All goes swimmingly. Sam goes to check on the condition of the mink farm and while she's there, Sarah pays a surprise inspection visit and demands to be compensated in heroin. She's suspicious about the oddly familiar car in the driveway, seeing as she just lent one exactly like it to Sam. Unfortunately, Sarah manages to get bit by one of the minks. After Sarah stumbles out, Sam comes out of the closet and is furious at Billy Bob for screwing things up with the inspector and for still dealing heroin.

Two weeks go by and Sam is back at Jonesy's place. Not much has changed, the car is now more or less back together, but you have to start it with a screwdriver. She was about to let it go, but Jonesy calls her a dyke, which enrages her and she begins to manhandle him, causing him to have a stroke. She is forced to take him to the hospital instead of to jail. Sam calls Sarah along the way to the hospital and she rushes to the hospital.

Once there, Sarah realizes that Jonesy has been faking the stroke and decides she needs to meet with the hospital's director to make sure the truth doesn't get out. The hospital director notices Sarah's uneasy disposition and offers to take her blood to determine if she's ill. Turns out Sarah has an extreme aversion to having her blood drawn and flees the hospital, clad only in a skimpy gown and manages to find her way to Sonya's. Sonya gives her some clothes to wear but Sarah in her rabies-induced/heroin-deprived insanity, ties Sonya up to a chair and proceeds to shoot up with Sonya's heroin.

(Timeline is mildly screwed up at this point) Jonesy pays Billy Bob a visit to try and get a real ignition and key but Billy Bob wants a squirrel in return. Sam is still at the hospital and talks to the director to try and figure out how she could have caused the stroke, the director just manages to convince her that it really was her fault. She pays his hospital bill.Jonesy sneaks out at this point (apparently to talk to Billy Bob).

After he talks with Billy Bob, Jonesy finds himself on Sonya's ranch, looking for a squirrel. He happens to notice the odd scene in Sonya's living room and goes in to give Sarah a good talking to, and to ask Sonya if she has any squirrels, which she surprisingly does, in the garage. Jonesy takes the squirrel, but while taking the squirrel out to examine it, is somewhat mauled by it and also contracts rabies.

Sarah comes out of her stupor and drags Sonya to Billy Bob's because she used up all of the heroin and needs to get more. Sonya successfully gains entrance to Billy Bob's and Billy Bob realizes immediately that Sarah is suffering from The Rabies and goes to get his special heavy duty will-cure-rabies-in-a-day shots. Sarah shoots up before undergoing treatment. Sonya also shoots up because she's had a very bad morning.

Jonesy shows up with the squirrel but since he's also now suffering from The Rabies, he fancies that the squirrel is his dead wife Betsy and refuses to give it up for the car components.

Sam visits Jonesy to see how things are going and finds a disturbed shell of a man. She attributes it to the stroke that she gave him and feels guilty.

Back at the mink farm, Sarah is now cured of The Rabies and is heating up the heroin when the rabid mink darts in front of her and in her rage, she throws the heroin onto the mink and then goes into the kitchen and finds Everclear and dumps it all over the mink and sets it on fire. The mink was inside the house so the house and all the heroin in the house goes up in flames. Everyone makes it out safely. The rest of the minks are fine because they're out in huts in the backyard.

Sarah and Sonya are super depressed that their source of heroin has gone up in flames but Billy Bob reveals that mink farming is pretty profitable (not so much the heroin since it seems like he's just been giving it away this whole time) and he owns the 20 acres surrounding and has a fully stocked second house. And of course the house was insured so there's no loss there.

Billy Bob goes to the Licensing Department to get a mink farming license in order to become legit and inquires after a squirrel farming license, which turns out to be illegal. He's enraged, his parole officer is called and he does jail time.

Sam enlists Sonya to run the mink farm in his absence. Sam tries one more time to get her car back, she manages to get the ignition and keys from the destroyed house, but frustrated at Jonesy's">Jonesy's craziness and having a now dead Betsy the squirrel shoved in her face causes her to lose it and go on a shooting spree.

In conclusion:
Jonesy lives three more years in the wilderness, senile and alone.

Sarah loses her job because people find out that she's corrupt and doing heroin. She sells all of her possessions to fund her addiction.

Sonya loses her cow ranch because the new inspector is not so keen on bribes.

Billy Bob never realizes his dream of having a squink. And loses his leg because of Sam's wild shooting.

Sam ends up going to jail (which is particularly horrible for a parole officer) because she shot Bill.
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