Tantra in Texas Message Board › Handout for Dark Tantra on 12/15/2011 by Robert Rubel (Part 1)
Handout for Dark Tantra on December 15th 2011, Part 1
The part that we sometimes don’t communicate, shame, becomes comfortable with the darker
side of sexuality.
• Why are you with your particular partner – what is special or what would you like to be
special about your partner? Why did you come together in the first place and do you still
celebrate those reasons or have some of them melted away with time?
• How to you express intimacy?
• If you could design not only your perfect partner but also your perfect scenes of intimacy,
what would those look like?
• Vanilla ~ non-kinky people
• Kinky ~ people who do things they think others are not doing. Some people think doggy
style is kinky, some people think oral sex is kinky (I once dated this man). Kinky is
defined as people who translate pain as pleasure. Of course, there is good pain and
bad pain; it helps if you have someone explain and teach you how to deliver good pain.
• Coming out ~ When you explain to your partner what it is that turns you on.
Example: You tell your partner that you get very turned on thinking about
hanging them by their pinky fingers and tickling them. Your initial thought
is “geez, I didn’t know this woman had these thoughts”, or “there is no way she
is going to do this to me.” You need to be careful and treat this declaration
delicately. They have just shared what they believe is their deep dark secret and
they are waiting for your reaction. Remain neutral until you can figure out how
you can support this thing you think you will never want to do.
• Cleavage ~ This is giving your partner whatever it is that turns them on. Obviously, if
they are breast people you dress where your breasts are visible. What do you do when
what turns them on isn’t something you can make visible like legs, behind, or breast?
What if what turns them on is hanging you by your pinky fingers and tickling you? You
can learn to show off your pinky. You can bring pinky bondage into conversation. You
can tie a string or thread to your pinkies when you are out in public. Then you go home
and have amazing sex (bound pinkies or not) because you have used their desire to turn
them on outside of the bedroom.
• Top and bottom: The Top is doing the action, the bottom is receiving the action
Scene: A time-limited period where you are doing some activity that you’ve discussed
• Negotiations: Limits of the scene have to be discussed/negotiated prior to starting the
evening. For example, if you did something last night that you really don’t want to do
tonight because you’re not in the right headspace to do it, you HAVE to tell your partner.
• Mid-scene corrections -- Playing with colors; safe-words: You’ll need a way to
communicate that something is not going quite right when you are in a scene. In the US,
that’s handled by using YELLOW to mean slow down and let me process what you just
did, and RED to stop the action immediately.
Examples of Fetishes:
• Power exchange
• Adventuresome sex positions
• Oral sex and fingering
• Orgasm control
• Uniform fetish with or without some kind of dining fetish
• My fetish has been hitting/striking a woman, making her scream from any activity but
NOT HURTING HER. If I felt that I’d hurt Jen or another woman, I’d burst into
The skill/training enables you to experience your fetish…
• without the other being damaged physically or mentally.
• only doing what they request and not going beyond what was negotiated.
What is the most important aspect to a great sex life?
• Most people agree that the most important aspect to a great sex life is communication.
The important aspect is that you both are taking the same ride. If she says to you she
wants to do “X” that night are you sure that you’re clear what that “X” means?
• If I tell Bob that I want a night of sensation play I may be thinking we are going
to have a gentle caressing scene that ends with making love in front of our
fireplace, but he may be thinking that I want him to start with fur and ends with
fists. All of those are sensations, yet we are on different paths and one of us is
going to be disappointed we did not get what we asked for. Make sure you are
speaking the same language.
• Some people will say that the most important aspect to a great sex life is to connect with
your partner, i.e., knowing how to read your partner and to give them what they need
at the proper time to take them on the ride they have requested. To read your bottom’s
level of arousal – and whether he/she is happy with what you’re doing – monitor…
• Breathing rate
• Flushed face, chest, genitals
• Arched head / arched back
• Erect nipples
• Hand gestures/motions – grabbing the sheets or blanket
• Eyes – you have to intensely watch her eyes and expressions
• Amount of vaginal lubrication – if not enough, add lube
VERY IMPORTANT NOTE: If you’re NOT connecting with your partner, none of this will
have much effect. That is, if you are so focused on observing these signs that you’re not
plugged in to your partner, you’re partner will immediately sense this lack of connection
and will come into her head. You’ve just lost your evening. CONNECTION is the
primary activity, monitoring her behavior is secondary. But… if you want your partner to
welcome other explorative and exiting nights, you’ll have to master both connection and