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Tech Entrepreneurs of Southwest Florida Message Board › Feedback on my marketing attempt

Feedback on my marketing attempt

Mark F.
Naples, FL
Post #: 1
Hi all. Happy New Year!

I've decided to work on an intro letter for my site (my blog, which also advertises my skills and business). I was wondering if anyone can give me any critique (good or bad) on the draft of my letter. I'm not feeling successful in my attempts to bring out my passion and differentiating features, though. I feel like I'm toning it down, and I'm losing some of my personality by doing so. This isn't comfortable at all.



How I Can Help You

Have you used software that made you scream in frustration? It’s bad enough when packaged software makes you feel this way. But why does it feel the same with custom software supposedly built to your specific needs? “This isn’t what I asked for!” is a common reaction.

Does it feel like software builders don’t listen to you? Maybe you weren’t sure exactly what you need — after all, you know your business, but software isn’t your field. When you hire an accountant, you’re looking for their advice, right? You wouldn’t hire someone if you knew how to best file your taxes. You’d expect them to ask you the important questions. They wouldn’t say, “ok, tell me how you want to file your taxes, and I’ll fill out the paperwork,” right?

So why does it seem that software engineers work that way? Why do they ask for a list of “specifications” with as little discussion as possible, and disappear forever while they build you something unrecognizable? And if they do have a real conversation with you, why does it often seem they speak to (or at) you in tongue?

I’ve learned a lot about what makes people happy. It’s not the software itself. It’s not cool technology. It’s when a burden is lifted from your daily tasks, no matter if those tasks are at your job, or personal tasks in your day to day life.

For you to feel happy, you need to know that someone is listening to you very closely. You need to be heard — not only to what you say you want, but also to what your frustrations are. You need someone who can empathize with you. Someone willing to understand your lingo, observe you work, and feel the emotions you go through as your day progresses.

Software is just a tool. Sure, us geeks love software. Much in the same way you may love fishing, or music, or accounting. But like in any other field, there are some software engineers who focus so much on their trade, they miss the reason why their service is important to others. They don’t come up for air long enough to realize the true gift of their skills — to help improve the lives of others (people and business) by building them better tools.

I realized this a long time ago, and made sure to see the world from many points of view, in many different roles. It made me much better at building software. It made me understand my true calling –

To be of service.

To help your business solve problems and become more successful.

And to take a phrase from Apple’s mantra, to delight you with software built to make your life easier.

I’ve spent my career as developer, architect, leader, manager, business owner, executive, and consultant, seeing business from all sides. Feeling all the pain points. Understanding what’s needed, what’s wanted, and why. And helping, mentoring, and training others to see the same.

I can help you. I’ll work with you to understand your specific challenges, and help build a variety of solutions, from back-office systems, to front-end user experiences, to integration with your business partners. I’ll help you design, architect, and develop the solutions that you need.

You can read how I’ve help others going through similar struggles. I believe in life-long learning. The world moves way too fast to stand still. It’s my job to keep up in order to better serve you.

So, don’t spend another day in frustration. Let me know when you’re available to talk, and I’ll be at your service.

Mark Freedman
user 12068173
Naples, FL
Post #: 2
I'll craft a more in depth review and advice later since my time is limited but this is more of a "selling story" or a a hybrid copy/bio. An intro has to be this in complete fast forward following a problem - solution - results format. It's good and passionate, but too much. You can keep most of this if you spin it as a video no longer than 2 minutes speaking at a normal pace. Here's an example of what I'm talking about. The link below is to a guy selling dating advice, but the copy in the video and how he does it is spot on so you can copy and paste his "style."­

This second link is the "selling bio" which is similar in style and purpose to what you wrote but on a separate page that describes the journey of how you reached this conclusion / solution / philosophy you have now but it still "sells".­

A former member
Post #: 2
I've got to agree with what Jason already said. When you feel like you're dumbing it down, but you can't get your real feelings across, you need to attack from a different vantage point. I think video is a great idea to tackle the issue that you are having. Since its going on your website, you don't have to lose your voice in text, just fire up your camera and make it happen. Here is a small example of something I did in October for our Codestrong Conference:­
One script and one take made sure that it was all me and how I really felt. I did a terrible thing and went almost 30 seconds longer than what was required, but it happens. As long as it is under 2 minutes, you won't completely lose your viewers.
This particular video was a single question, "What is your mobile manifesto?" - for your video, give yourself 2 or 3 questions with a 30 - 45 second limit on each. Why do you love what you do and how can you help your customer. Focus on the answer, not the question, and I think that you could turn your 'dumbed down' text into a great video.

As a follow up, I would like to believe that most of us probably constantly write at a 10 - 12 grade level and above. You've pulled back far enough to be at a 7th grade reading level. This is great for blog posts as the majority of people need that, but for your manifesto, I don't consider this a good thing. 12 and 13 year-olds are not your target audience. Dumb down the sales pitch if you have to, but crank it up to 11 on your manifesto. If you have to separate the two to put them into text, by all means, do it. Don't ever confuse the people that want to know who you are with the people that need to know what you do. They are different people and unfortunately you have to treat them as such. If you treat them as the same people, then you risk losing them both before you ever get a chance to show them.
A former member
Post #: 1
Being in sales & marketing for a technology company, I can tell you from experience that 1st - I agree with the other replies that this is way too much and people generally don't take the time to read lengthy sales pitches. Also, I would strongly suggest that you replace the wording with a 60-second video which sells YOU. The majority of people want to feel comfortable with YOU, as opposed to reading some sales pitch. Your passion and energy show through 1000% more with video. Check out our home page video at We get nothing but rave reviews on that, and people get excited about our product & company immediately.
Mark F.
Naples, FL
Post #: 2
Wow, great advice, guys. I did consider a video, but have to get over my extreme discomfort with that. I hate the way I look on video (as, I suppose, most people do). But I'll bite the bullet and work on it this weekend.

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