The West Suburban Divorce Support Group Message Board › Emotions surrounding divorce

Emotions surrounding divorce

julie
user 14546274
Glen Ellyn, IL
Post #: 3
I'm wondering how do you get past the betrayal? It is so hurtful because he was supposed to be the one person to hold and protect you. I'm thinking I can't trust anyone now. That's sad. What makes it worse is he acts like victim. I can't get past this.
A former member
Post #: 137
Julie,

It will get better but you may never never fully heal. I pray that you do because you deserve to be treated better, to be pampered and loved. We all do. To shut that door only gives him you longer. I'm not rushing out and getting into any relationship. I'm not even looking. My door is pretty closed to that concept myself, but somewhere in the back of my mind I keep my words to you on file. One never knows what life will bring.

I'm so sorry for your pain.
julie
user 14546274
Glen Ellyn, IL
Post #: 4
Didn't anyone watch that Leann rimes interview? Seriously. She said. " can't you come up with anything better than homewreaker ". I think that word is pretty spot on. It takes two people to act on something. It's called free will. You choose to put yourself before the good of others. If not for two people making the wrong choice I know my children would still have an intact family. But instead my kids are surrounded by bad feelings. They have lost the mother that I used to be.
A former member
Post #: 142
This stuff, their actions, alter you forever. No doubt. My teenage son has come home from school, on several occasions, and is bewildered how his friends can be dating one girl on Monday and a different girl on Tuesday. He says he doesn't get how fast they move on. And recently my response was try 14.5 years of marriage and then move on before the divorce is even finalized. He gave me a huge hug at that point. He gets 'it' and, though he likes the new GF does not approve of his Dad's decision. The other two are a bit young to get it, but even my fourth grader has made comments about never seeing him without her and it is becoming an issue. Though Thanksgiving they only saw her for a very brief period of time, but that was in part due to my kid deciding to come home two days early. And the littlest one was going to stay but he wouldn't keep him. Fine with me. I'll take the kids and keep them with true joy.

It hurts to be replaced so quickly. So I have tried to put understanding around the "why" and I think there are so many factors involved, but bottom line they just cannot be alone. They don't know how to be alone and actually have to function because we've done such an amazing job at taking care of them. And the GF deflects the responsibility of the children since she'll be there to "help". Where we, the hurting ones, rise up to the challenges and face them head on to concur them.

I agree, it does take two to make things and to break things. However, I'd still be married, as screwed up as things were, if he didn't keep violating my trust and hurting all of us by his infidelity. A person can only take so much hurt before they have to say enough. And it takes the stronger one to say enough, I think. Just my humble opinion.
A former member
Post #: 13
This Christmas time will be three years since the bomb was dropped on me, and it took until this past June until the divorce was final. My situation is different from you ladies in that I am a man, and so when my wife left, she's took the kids with her. She had a boyfriend on the side (met him at the gym) for a number of years, and so as we drifted apart over time I just thought it was the usual doldrums of having three kids to raise and being married for 12+ years. But in fact she had the guy on the side and wanted to be with him and not me, and when she moved out of the marital home, she right away moved in with him, and she took the kids with her and that's where they all live now. I fought to have my kids, but in the end I didn't get them. It's amazing to me that the court---through the Guardian Ad Litem (children's attorney)---could decide that it's better for the kids to be with their mom while she's in the bedroom with her boyfriend than it is to be with their dad. Anyway, yeah, I've gone to school functions too where my ex (and even while we were still legally married) had brought her boyfriend. I don't handle those situations well. I mean, I don't get angry and cause a scene, it's just hard on me emotionally because, well, I'm the one on the outside looking in. During my marriage, I was the dad to my three girls, coached them in team sports, went to work every day, provided for my family, am told I have a quick wit and that I'm a nice guy, and yet I was rejected. I don't have my children around to console me or offer support. So a lot of times it's so lonely and it's an incredible path that I walk. I have a younger brother who is a Type A personality, and within three months of my wife announcing the divorce (which would be in early 2010), he was saying "Get over it." But now here it is 2013 and I've come a long way down the path and I wonder if I will ever "get over it." My parents are dead, my wife and kids are gone, and I wonder if indeed I'll ever be able to move past this.
julie
user 14546274
Glen Ellyn, IL
Post #: 6
Rick. I feel for you because of no fault of your own. you get left you get your kids take Away. And to top it off. You get to pay her child support. How is that fair. Then you probably spend all this money to get your kids back because you think. No way is the judge going to give them to her. I'm sorry that happened. It's two years for me and I'm still struggling. Don't listen to your brother. We all heal in our own time.
A former member
Post #: 145
Julie,

You are so right to tell Rick to not listen to his brother. Everyone's pain and journey is their own and nobody has a right to tell you how to walk along it. Grieving is a process and we are all here because we are grieving the loss of our marriage. A journey we've taken seriously, were committed to, trusted and gave our entire life over to only to have the building blocks crash down upon our heads. How is there anyway to just "get over it"? You have to go through it first and then healing will shape as it does but you'll never just get over it.

Beth
A former member
Post #: 14
I am just amazed at the journey. This string of messages goes back months and months, and when I look back to when I commented in August 2012, I could tell that I was in a better place than I am right now. Back then I sounded positive, despite having gone through the awful process of divorce. But now just four months later, I am in a different (and worse) place. And it has nothing to do with the holidays, because I can remember back to last year during this time and I was very much okay with how my life was proceeding. But right now, I find myself asking "Is this all there is?" I mean, I go through life's routines day after day, but after a while it leads to "What's the point?" Well, I know I am in a slump and I'm taking steps to get out of it, but (and please excuse my French) right now it all pretty much sucks.
julie
user 14546274
Glen Ellyn, IL
Post #: 7
Rick, I was so positive for a year but then came crashing down. I don't know what made the change. So now I'm not so positive. More like , I'm not ever going to be his friend and that's just going to have to be okay. Somedays I think. Oh it's getting better and then he says something and I'm hurt again. Then I start over again. So one day at a time.
julie
user 14546274
Glen Ellyn, IL
Post #: 8
Rick, I was so positive for a year but then came crashing down. I don't know what made the change. So now I'm not so positive. More like , I'm not ever going to be his friend and that's just going to have to be okay. Somedays I think. Oh it's getting better and then he says something and I'm hurt again. Then I start over again. So one day at a time.
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