The West Suburban Divorce Support Group Message Board › Court on the 8th - Looking for input

Court on the 8th - Looking for input

A former member
Post #: 157
Hi all,

We have a status update on January 8th, and the status is not so good. I really want to get some things resolved and I'm not sure if that is even possible. So, here are some of the issues and I am wondering if anyone can help guide me on what I should and shouldn't be prepared to hear, because right now my mind is all a twitter with horrible scenarios.

First we are in Kendall county. I have heard very mixed things about divorce here. Anyone have any recent experience I can draw from?

Bill W.
user 13559176
Darien, IL
Post #: 3
OK don,t get yourself in a tizzy. first of all the court does not hear anything without a motion and only will address the issues in the motion. I am assuming you went to the mediator for issues with the kids to get to a joint parenting agreement. unfortunately the mediator get paid and you each spit the cost mine was 750.00 each we had two visits and had to go back twice. the 750 was a flat fee if you are not being charged a flat fee and are being charged by the hour you should contest the charges and in no way be charged for the first phone call and I would not pay. If you do not have the money to pay ask for a fee award it can,t hurt. If the mediator charged you more then the agreed amount ask the judge to reduce the fee and ask for legal aid. You should know your divorce will not go anywhere without a JPA and those issues must be agreed to before your divorce can move forward you should also know that once you agree it can not be changed for two years after you sign. If you don,t like the mediator you might have to get another one. As far as the kids and visitation goes be a grown up visitation is for the kids to maintain a healthy relationship with both parents and it is for the kids not the parents. It is not your JOB to force your kids to go and they have rights too, If they chose not to go you should have them call and tell the other parent them selves and let them explain why they don't want to go 13 is a rough age. Try not to put the kids in the middle and don't get in the middle of them and dad you have to stand aside as difficult as that may be and let them work it out. My guess is if you chose to talk to your kids about why they don't what to go I would guess the other women is a big part of it and the invorment your STBX is putting them in and if thats the case your children not you should be the one to tell him. In my case the JPA was the hardest thing to get done. So I will give you this advise Always remember this Fraze when it comes to child issues "in the best interest of the child" this is how the judge thinks and acts and how you should as well. Keep your anger in check with the kid issues and save it for the separation of assets. I know its hard but put your game face on and don't lose self control in front of mediators, evaluators, layers and the judge. they are supposed to be fair and impartial I have have found them all to be not when I got angree and it cost me allot of money.
A former member
Post #: 1
Based on my recent experience, divorcing is a tough act to go through. Maintaining sanity, reduced stress and good health are important for everyone. I would suggest to seek solutions that are peaceful to you, children and the other party without giving all your rights and privileges. At the same time, trying to control the entire process would only cause more stress to the person who is trying to control. Yes, do things that are good for children. No parent should deprive children love of both parents. They are already under stress at young age, and availability of both parents is very helpful for them, and reaffirms love. At this time, both parents need to decide with some compromises to move forward peacefully before it becomes normal. Bitterness remains for a little longer. Then, the time comes for forgiveness and peaceful co-existence.
Bill W.
user 13559176
Darien, IL
Post #: 4
Well glad you could vent a little hope you feel a little better. So first "EVERY DAY IS NOT A GOOD DAY, HOWEVER THERE IS GOOD IN EVERY DAY" just take it one day a time. I am surprised you did not meet with the mediator in person, I would have want to see his body language so I could read him/her as I talked about my issues. They are not supposed to Know about your case they are supposed to figure out what issues you can agree on and what you can't and see if they can get the 2 of you to compromise. The mediator does not wright up the JPA one of your layers will have to do it. To keep your cost down have his do it now before you go off this servers 2 purposes First it will give you a good insight to what his expectations are and second puts the cost on him. I had 8 revisions in my divorce alway coming back to #2 which was crossed out added to and changed in the hallway the day my divorce was done. Don't worry about the fact that his attorney will top load it in his favor every thing is negotiable until you sign on the dotted line and the judge stamps it but you have to start somewhere. This is what I would like you to do Google Joint parenting agreement and down load the Minnesota one read it then read it again hi-lite every thing you like and want in your JPA and then give a copy to your lawyer so when he revise STBX"S it favors your wishes. Home schooling is looked down on because it makes kids anti social (not my opinion Just the facts from research)
Monica
user 61913932
Woodridge, IL
Post #: 3
Hi all,

We have a status update on January 8th, and the status is not so good. I really want to get some things resolved and I'm not sure if that is even possible. So, here are some of the issues and I am wondering if anyone can help guide me on what I should and shouldn't be prepared to hear, because right now my mind is all a twitter with horrible scenarios.

First we are in Kendall county. I have heard very mixed things about divorce here. Anyone have any recent experience I can draw from?


Both Bill and Praveen have excellent practical and thoughtful suggestions. Unfortunately . it takes two to dance. I too have been struggling in 50-50 custody of kids....my two cents post lot of mistakes are...Line up professional help for the kids and it automatically brings the parents in the center. Attorneys thrive on two spouse's infighting and drain resources, causing further polarization. If you are indeed in a high conflict situation, consider taking the kids to a counselor. It gives them a safe forum to voice their concerns and get strength to deal with their challenges. It also will give the parents an insight into what kids donot share with the parents. Plus, it takes out personal egos and agendas. Have a counselor submit periodic reports ..that way they take their job seriously and you too have access to a reliable history. Next, consider getting a Parenting Co-ordinator appointed thru Court. This person can stay in touch with the Counselor and guide the parents to reach decisions in favor of kids. Hopefully, linking these dots can create a favorable environment for the parents to move past their personal hurts and disappointments, instead form a basis for a foundation for a working relationship between them. Not sure if this helped , all we can do in this forum is come up with heartfelt ideas and may be something clicks. Wish you the best !

A former member
Post #: 21
Well glad you could vent a little hope you feel a little better. So first "EVERY DAY IS NOT A GOOD DAY, HOWEVER THERE IS GOOD IN EVERY DAY" just take it one day a time. I am surprised you did not meet with the mediator in person, I would have want to see his body language so I could read him/her as I talked about my issues. They are not supposed to Know about your case they are supposed to figure out what issues you can agree on and what you can't and see if they can get the 2 of you to compromise. The mediator does not wright up the JPA one of your layers will have to do it. To keep your cost down have his do it now before you go off this servers 2 purposes First it will give you a good insight to what his expectations are and second puts the cost on him. I had 8 revisions in my divorce alway coming back to #2 which was crossed out added to and changed in the hallway the day my divorce was done. Don't worry about the fact that his attorney will top load it in his favor every thing is negotiable until you sign on the dotted line and the judge stamps it but you have to start somewhere. This is what I would like you to do Google Joint parenting agreement and down load the Minnesota one read it then read it again hi-lite every thing you like and want in your JPA and then give a copy to your lawyer so when he revise STBX"S it favors your wishes. Home schooling is looked down on because it makes kids anti social (not my opinion Just the facts from research)


Bill,
Could you please post the web address\url of the specific Minnesota parenting agreement you are referring to as I Googled it and came up with a few hits on Minnesota parenting agreements. Is this the one you speak about? - http://www.extension....­
Bill W.
user 13559176
Darien, IL
Post #: 5
Yes this is the one I used with my mediator it has everything a good JPA should have included in it. Your attorney will say it can't be used in Illinois tell him or her that this is the draft to use to draft yours. This is what I did made two blank copies gave one to x to fill out and I filled out the other then when we meet with the mediator she could see right away where the main problems where and compromise was much easier after that because it takes the I, I, I out of it. I will also tell you the first one my attorney drafted for me was crap thats why I went this route and after them meddling with it and saying no allot We got a pretty good one We both could live with as I have resadential joint custody I made sure there was flexibility in it for both of Us remember that after your divorced there is a period of adjustment that takes awhile to get used to and the kids will adjust to Moms house Dads house routine
Frida
user 60658292
Saint Charles, IL
Post #: 1
I did not have the chidren issues when I divorced because of my children ages. At any age the children are still affected by the divorce. I think sometimes it is even harder when they are young adults. Two of my adult children received therapy.
I just want to say that the support that Beth is given is really great. This is what a group support is. Those in the group that have been through regarding the children issues have stepped up and provided guidance. I feel good being part of the group. Beth, I wish you the best. Take a day at a time. Take care of yourself. You have to keep yourself healthy.
Bill W.
user 13559176
Darien, IL
Post #: 6
This is why I dislike all attorneys they all think they are in charge of your case and forget they work for you and are supposed to respect your wises. As a humanitarian I always try to be a messenger who represents forward moving change, change can be a difficult thing to except but it's a fact of life. The challenge is to balance your own best interest with the good of healthy relationship with your kids, x, and extended family, not alway easy to do and sometimes makes you a pessimist. Any parent who introduces a new (special friend) to their kids during a divorce is pouring gasoline on the fire. When you are so selfish and don't conceder the long tern negative effects of you inappropriate behavior on your kids you better have good insurance or be willing to open your wallet for many years of therapy. I have not seen one generic JPA that layers like to use (because they are lazy) that can address the needs of a special needs child. Beyond that every bodies case is different and your not giving out aspirin. When you sit down and address all the issues and put it to writing there is a great sense of relief that you Know no matter what your kids will be taken care of as a parent thats all we can ask and hope and pray our kids will be OK. I am very surprised at all the views this discussion has got which tells me there are many of you silently dealing with the same issues. when I was going through this part it was like live in hell all the time and I could not find any peace if you are in a place like this I will light a candle for you all. TO LIGHT A CANDLE IS AN ACT OF HOPE, STEADFAST IN FAITH, JOYFUL IN HOPE AND UNTIRING IN LOVE. HUG YOUR KIDS AND TELL THEM YOU LOVE THEM AND ARE THERE FOR THEM EVERY DAY. I WILL PRAY FOR YOU ALL.
A former member
Post #: 164
Nandini,

I am laying in bed and don't plan to do much of anything tonight. Just taking it easy. I am very excited to meet you. I have missed our regular talks. Hope you are well.

Beth
Powered by mvnForum

People in this
Meetup are also in:

Sign up

Meetup members, Log in

By clicking "Sign up" or "Sign up using Facebook", you confirm that you accept our Terms of Service & Privacy Policy