Whidbey Island Freethinkers Message Board › Religious Jokes

Religious Jokes

Stephen K.
StephenKahn
Group Organizer
Langley, WA
Post #: 92
As an atheist since childhood, and as a person who dreamed of being a humorist or comedian when I was young (but realized I am not funny enough), and as a person who was told I was Jewish (which made no sense to me), I consider religion too important to take seriously. Some of you have religious backgrounds, so you must have good jokes. Also, I am fairly sure no one is reading these discussions, so I am wondering if I should just delete all of them. So unless someone posts funny and offensive religious jokes, I will kill my dog.
Stephen K.
StephenKahn
Group Organizer
Langley, WA
Post #: 93
An atheist walks into a bar to meet his agnostic friend.

Agnostic, “Hey, bro, what you been doing?”

Atheist, “Talking to religionists. I was hanging out with a Catholic Priest, a Muslim imam, and a Jewish rabbi.”

Agnostic, “Yeah? Talking about what?”

Atheist: “I told them how they were responsible for the evil and madness in the world. I told them how stupid they are to believe all that crap.”

Agnostic: [sarcastically] “I bet they really liked hearing that.”

Atheist: [laughing]. “No, they didn't like that one bit! But then I really put them in their place!”

Agnostic: “How did you do that?”

Atheist: “I said, 'The worst thing about religious belief is how intolerant it is!”
Stephen K.
StephenKahn
Group Organizer
Langley, WA
Post #: 94
A Catholic priest and a Rabbi were chatting.

Rabbi: “What kind of promotion and advancement do you have to look forward to in your job?”

Priest: “I'm next in line to be a Monsignor.”

Rabbi: “Sweet! And then what?”

Priest: [proudly] “Next I can become an Arch-Bishop.”

Rabbi: “Cool! And after that . . . ?”

Priest: “If I work really hard, I can work my way up to FULL Bishop!”

Rabbi: “That would be really impressive. Is that the highest you can go?”

Priest: [starting to get irritated]: “If I work REALLY, REALLY hard, and get maybe a little luck as well, I might become a CARDINAL.”

Rabbi: [with a bit of a smirk on his face]: “Is that it? That's the highest you can get? Cardinal?”

Priest: [really irritated now]: “With unimaginable luck, successful completion of incredibly difficult work, AND assuming I am in all the right places at all the right times, and assuming I play all my political games just right, maybe, just maybe, I can be elected POPE!”

Rabbi: “Well, that WOULD be impressive! Even so, is that all you can look forward to? There's nothing beyond that?”

Priest: [shouting in rage] “GOOD GRIEF!! What do you expect of me? You want me to be promoted to GOD!!”

Rabbi: “Why not? One of our boys made it!”
Stephen K.
StephenKahn
Group Organizer
Langley, WA
Post #: 95
OK, that's all I have for now. Now it's your turn. Unless we get some good religious jokes, I kill the dog.
Stephen K.
StephenKahn
Group Organizer
Langley, WA
Post #: 98
I don't know anything about Methodists. My granddaughter (with two mommies in Seattle and two daddies in Chicago) has a grandfather who is a Methodist minister who lives in Colorado. When he was a young radical minister he marched with Martin Luth King.

Last Thanksgiving we went to Thanksgiving in Seattle at the mommies' house. (My wife said, on the way there) "Don't talk about religion."

When we arrived, Grandpa Joe asked, "What's this I hear about you being an atheist?" I said, "Tell my wife you brought up the topic." He then said (to my surprise), "Actually, I am an agnostic." I told him about the group of atheists I began. He said, "I would really like to talk with your group." However, he is back in Colorado now. If he comes to visit again, would you be willing to meet with a Methodist minister who is an agnostic? My granddaughter has attended his services, but was bored.
Stephen K.
StephenKahn
Group Organizer
Langley, WA
Post #: 99
Anyway, here is a Methodist joke. Is it funny?

There were four country churches in a small Arkansas town:

The Presbyterian Church, the Baptist Church, the Methodist Church and the Catholic Church. Each church was overrun with pesky squirrels.

One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn’t interfere with God’s divine will.

In the Baptist Church the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a large plywood cover on the baptistery and flood it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.

The Catholic group got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God’s creation. So, they humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.

But — the Methodist Church came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.
A former member
Post #: 5
Three religious truths:

1. Neither Jews nor Muslims recognize Jesus as the Messiah.

2. Neither Jews nor Christians recognize Mohammed as the prophet of God.

3. Baptists don't recognize each other when they are in liquor stores or strip clubs.
Stephen K.
StephenKahn
Group Organizer
Langley, WA
Post #: 100
All right, Ken! You preach, brother!

I can't say you are "saved." Maybe, you have been GOOD HUMORED?



A Baptist, a Catholic and a Disciple of Christ were standing before the pearly gates.

Jesus himself met them: "I have one question that you must answer: who do you say that I am?" The Catholic replied, "The church teaches . . ." Jesus interrupted, "I didn't ask about the church, I asked about you! You cannot enter!"

The Baptist answered, "The Bible says . . ." Jesus interrupted, "I didn't ask about the Bible, I asked you! You cannot enter!"

The DOC then said, "You are the Christ, the Son of the Living God!" Jesus said, "Yes, that is correct!" The DOC then continued, "but on the other hand . . ."

Stephen K.
StephenKahn
Group Organizer
Langley, WA
Post #: 109
An impoverished old man applied for membership in a wealthy church. The pastor tried to put him off with all kinds of evasive remarks. The old man became aware that he was not welcome there and finally told the pastor that he would pray about it. After several days he returned. "Well," asked the pastor, "Did the Lord give you a message?" "Yes Sir, He did" was the old man's answer. "He told me it wasn't any use. He said, "I've been trying to get in that same church myself for ten years and they won't let me in either."
Stephen K.
StephenKahn
Group Organizer
Langley, WA
Post #: 111
How To Get To Heaven

A teacher asked the children in her Sunday School class, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would I get into heaven?"

"NO!" the children all answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would I get into heaven?"

Again, the answer was "NO!"

"Well," she continued, "then how can I get to heaven?"

In the back of the room, a five-year-old boy shouted out, "Die!"
Powered by mvnForum

People in this
Meetup are also in:

Sign up

Meetup members, Log in

By clicking "Sign up" or "Sign up using Facebook", you confirm that you accept our Terms of Service & Privacy Policy