Monday, August 6, 2007 8:38 AM
2057 - A dog walks into a bar
In 2057 an experimental police dog walks into a bar at 2:05 a.m. Implanted in its eyes are microscopic live Hi-def 3-D cameras and state-of-the-art microphones are implanted in its ears. A small digital speaker is inside the dog's mouth. Simulated hairs on its back serve as send/receive antennae.
Officers at a remote police station could monitor the scenes sent by the dog?s sending unit. On this occasion, three fun-loving officers took advantage of their police chief?s absence to have some laughs at a bartender?s expense. Less than a half-hour before, two male officers and a female officer drove the dog to a nearby bar?s parking lot and ordered it to stand by for instructions.
The dog, Silver Chief, was named after the 20th Century book titled ?Silver Chief? that portrayed the heroics of a Northwest Mounted Policeman?s dog. The 2057 experimental Silver Chief was from a breed dating back centuries?one of the most intelligent breeds. The breed was often called German Police Dogs or German Shepherds. Silver Chief was trained from birth by the K-9 section of the police department. The electronics were installed at an early age by scientists at a private research center that actually owned Silver Chief. The center received a huge federal research grant for the project. Silver Chief was on loan to the police department.
One of the male officers gave Silver Chief instructions on a radio frequency that only chief could hear. As silver Chief entered the bar, he growled a warning and spoke with the voice of the male officer. He said, ?You are in violation of city ordinance[masked]-K, section 12, by being open after hours. You are aware that all city bars are required to close at 2 AM. It is now five minutes past closing time.?
The bartender was astonished at hearing a dog speak. ?What the hell are you?? he said.
?You can call me Chief. I?m chief of the police K9 corps. I am a certified sworn officer of the police department. My assignment tonight is to monitor bars that do not close their doors by 2 AM. Your place, bartender Ralph, is the first stop on my patrol,? Chief answered.
The three police officers laughed as the bartender?s eyes opened wide in amazement and his hands went up palms facing out while backing into the whiskey shelves behind him. Several bottles of alcohol splattered as they fell to the floor.
?I don?t know how you can speak or how you know my name. What the hell are you? I musta been drinkin? too much. You ain?t real!? Ralph shouted.
Silver Chief answered, ?Oh. I?m real alright. I?m the most intelligent K9 ever bread and I know your name because I read it on the front of your shirt.?
?Holy shit! A talking dog that can read,? Ralph exclaimed. ?But you?re just a dog. Ya can?t give me a ticket.?
By now the officers at the police station were laughing so much that they almost forgot to answer Ralph.
?I don?t intend to let you off with a ticket, Ralph. Clasp your hands above your head and come out from behind the bar and follow me to the police station. Any attempt by you to escape will be futile and will result in an additional charge of evading arrest, a felony.? Chief said.
Ralph, although still convinced that he was just hallucinating, decided to do what most bartenders would do when faced with a dangerous situation. He grabbed the sawed-off shotgun under the bar. The officers became alarmed that their joke was backfiring. However, the female officer quickly recovered and said, ?That?s stupid Ralph, you are now facing a charge of assault of a police officer with a deadly weapon. It?s twenty-to- life with no chance of parole. What?s more, the feds have spent tens of millions on developing my one-of-a-kind K9 and they will send you to the chair if you shoot me.?
Ralph hesitated a moment. The dog?s voice had changed to sound female and he had a vision of himself strapped to the electric hair.
The sight of a person holding a weapon and the slight hesitation caused Silver Chief to revert to his most basic training. He lunged upon the bar and bit the arm of the hand that held the shotgun. Ralph screamed. The shotgun fell to the floor. The other male police officer again spoke through the radio frequency that only Silver Chief could hear. ?Back off, Chief,? he said.
Silver Chief let go of Ralph?s arm but growled menacingly at Ralph and bared his teeth. Ralph was horrified at the threatening acts of the dog. Furthermore, he was puzzled that the dog switched to a female voice.
?I said back off, Chief,? the officer at the police station ordered
Silver Chief quieted and sat down on the bar. He kept his eyes on the frightened bartender. ?What the hell are you?? Ralph said. ?You read and talk with two voices. What the hell are you??
Still speaking in a female voice, Silver Chief said, ?We, male dogs, and other animals, including humans like you, all have a little female in us and ?..?
Silver Chief hesitated and looked at the front door of the bar as the bar owner came by to count the night?s take and help Ralph close up. Simultaneously, the two officers were warned by the third officer lookout downstairs that the night chief was on the way up. ?Get out now and come home, Chief!? the male officer ordered over the RF that only Silver Chief could hear. ?Hurry, boy!?
The officers shut down their operation just as he night chief arrived. "What's up? Where's Silver Chief?" the night chief asked. "Chief went out to the park to take a piss," the officers said.
As he jumped off the bar top and rushed out to door, Silver Chief growled and snarled at the bewildered owner.
?What was that all about?? the bar owner asked.
Ralph said, ?A dog walked into the bar ?.?