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Single Parents - Divorced Adults Group Message Board › Kids every other week...

Kids every other week...

Optimistic C.
OptimisticChris
Madison, WI
Post #: 1
I know that I am not the only one who has their kids every other week. The Sunday afternoon/evening that I have to "give them up"... kills me.

I am wondering two things...

1. Any suggestions for making that transition easier?

2. Anyone interested in forming a "group" that just meets when the need/feeling arises. This is hard to articulate... I go Sunday (4pm) to Sunday (4pm). Are there others with a similar time exchange that would be interested in meeting just to get out? Not to "wallow in the mud" but to have a laugh and take our minds off the transition.

I have only been a member of the group for a couple of weeks but I can already see that SP-DA is a vast resource of wonderful people. Thank you.

Optimistic Chris
A former member
Post #: 27
Hi Chris,

When my kids were time-sharing their parents, the switch started on the weekend. That was hard, especially when it was Sunday afternoon or evening. It was tough for everyone, especially the kids, since they didn't have a chance to re-acclimate before going to school on Monday. So the schedule was changed to Friday. I'd take them out to breakfast on Friday morning, then to school, and they'd come back to me the following Friday after school. It worked great (that's relative, of course). They liked having an hour or two by themselves before I got home from work. We had the weekend to reconnect and they had time to adjust before going back to school the next week.

Hope this is useful.

Dave
A former member
Post #: 6
Chris -

This is soo funny.. not ha ha funny. But last sunday when my kids got picked up. I ran to one of my SP/DA friends and said how hard it was. You go from the happiest person in the world, to feeling like the bottom of the barrell. I'm lucky.. The kids have T-ball on Monday and Swim lessons on Tuesday, and then I get them back on Wednesday. So I never go more than than a day without seeing them. I don't know how old your kids are... but sign them up for an activity on M-T to bridge the gap (assuming that's an option).

My kids get picked up at 5pm on Sunday, so if you ever need to talk or chat or whatever I am totally available. I can send you my cell phone or you can look me up on FB I'm always there.

My best advice... just remember that transitions are probably just as hard for the kids... but they don't know it and are just exctited to see the other parent (which makes you feel probably worse). But in my opinion it's VERY important both parents make trasitions a good thing.
A former member
Post #: 5
I have the complete opposite of the way you guys have your kids. I go sometimes 2 weeks without seeing my kids so the sunday transition REALLY hurts me when I see "her" drive off with them. Which is why I'm moving to Deforest and I only hope we can come to some sort of more of a "split custody" but i've had lawyers tell me because it hasn't been 2 years since the divorce was final a judge might not grant me more custody. Does anybody have any experience with that?
I'm not trying to "get out of paying child support" I just want my kids more and to be able to afford that I would of course need that changed.
I envy you guys that get your kids a week at a time, I wish I could do the same.

Any advice?

Tim
A former member
Post #: 6
I have every other weekend off and that includes the Sunday night, so I am available to hang out this Sunday and every other Sunday from that! I am not super geographically desirable as I live in Baraboo, but I am always looking for stuff to do!
A former member
Post #: 28
Tim, unless you're a really awful parent, your kids needs you even more than you need them. I've never heard of the two-year criterion you mention and would suggest you work with the Dane County Family Court Counselors office (or your attorney) to identify changes that would create a more balanced placement schedule.

Dave

I have the complete opposite of the way you guys have your kids. I go sometimes 2 weeks without seeing my kids so the sunday transition REALLY hurts me when I see "her" drive off with them. Which is why I'm moving to Deforest and I only hope we can come to some sort of more of a "split custody" but i've had lawyers tell me because it hasn't been 2 years since the divorce was final a judge might not grant me more custody. Does anybody have any experience with that?
I'm not trying to "get out of paying child support" I just want my kids more and to be able to afford that I would of course need that changed.
I envy you guys that get your kids a week at a time, I wish I could do the same.

Any advice?

Tim

Mary A.
user 14361280
Madison, WI
Post #: 4
Hi Everybody,

I know the week on, week off thing is "normal" but in our case and my recently-separated friend's case, we threw what everybody else is doing out the window and went with what was best for us. (By the way, I recommend you do this in EVERY aspect of you life...as I preach, in my book.)

So, we switch every 3rd day...the kids wanted it this way and it's worked beautifully for over 10 years. We modified it slightly a few months ago, to no changing where the kids are on Sunday night (we wait till Monday to switch)--MUCH BETTER. Here's our schedule that we rotate every week so that we're BOTH active in the kids activities:

Mon-Tues, Fri-Sun. Then the next week, I have them Wed-Thurs. I feel better seeing them more often, and so do they. The other thing I try very hard to do is run them to all their appointments and go to their activites, no matter whose day it is. The kids want BOTH parents, no matter what, and it's their right : )

In my friend's case, it made sense for them to separate their 2 kids, as one needed special attention, and then the kids are together on the weekends (rotating households on weekends). It sounds funny, but the kids are thriving since they changed to it...a therapist had suggested it, initially.

Kids should be asked, and within reason, you should try to pull it in. And I ask my kids often...every few months, or whenever we seem to be challenged in any way. They insisted we keep the 3-day rotation in place.

As for when you miss them, make sure YOU have plans to either do something for yourself (even if it's cleaning the house, etc., so when the kids are there, you're not doing chores) or look into a new hobby, going out, working out, etc., but have a couple of options so you're not sitting in the empty room, all depressed...that does not help any of you. Also, keep in touch when they're gone...once they have cells, text them or encourage them to call you about their day. Just because they're not in your house, it doesn't mean you have to fall out of their life--they don't want that. Just be respectful of your ex.

Finally, make sure all your stuff is DONE when they come back so you can focus on them, for the most part, and go do fun stuff with them...they grow way too fast!

Remember, even though it sometimes feel like the end of the world, it's not. It's the beginning of a new chapter of your life. The faster you learn to walk again, the faster you can get on with it. Make it good for you and your kids. You can only give your best to your kids, after you do what's best for you!

Warmest Wishes,

Mary Anne
Author, RISE ABOVE THE SH**! Down-to-earth thinking from Wisconsin
Laura
user 6540411
Group Organizer
Madison, WI
Post #: 94
As mentioned by Mary Anne, I like to take the time I don't have my kids to do all the things I want/need to do (chores, hobbies, going out, etc.) so that I can focus on them when they are with me. That's your time to be "selfish", so take advantage of it! smile Keep in mind it's all pretty new for you right now. I believe this will get easier for you in time.

That said, I won't deny a week is a long time, more so the younger the children. My ex and I have done a 2-2-5-5 schedule for several years (he has every M/T, I have every W/R and we alternate F/S/S) and that works very well for us. That way we both get longer stretches without it feeling like forever in between. I am also lucky in that I see my kids a lot when I don't have them, too, as others have mentioned, and I can have them pretty much whenever I want them. My ex and I also both attend sports, conferences, band concerts, etc. together (well, not together, but we are both there), regardless of whose "night" it is. Of course, much of one's ability to to that depends on the relationship you with the ex, though, and that may not be possible in some cases.

The main thing I wanted to say is that you should feel free to schedule a meetup on our calendar any time you wish (or I can do it for you). If you want to schedule something weekly, feel free to do that, as well. All it requires is a host (i.e. a commitment by someone to being at a certain place/time/etc.), and details of the event (when, where, what). My only advice would be to schedule in advance to the extent possible as my experience has been that events scheduled on the spur of the moment aren't always well attended.
A former member
Post #: 9
I have the exact same placement as Laura. M/T (mom) W/R (dad) F,S,S (E/O). quite frankly I think it's perfect. in addition to this basic schedule on mom's weekend I get 3 hours with the kids on mom's Monday. On dad's weekend, mom gets 2 hours with the kids on dad's Thursday. neither parent goes very long with out some quality time. My kids (4 & 2yrs) have adjusted very well to it. I originally hated the time away from the kids.. But I have grown to embrace it. I can get a lot done, and take some time to blow off steam and not let it affect the kids.
A former member
Post #: 6
I don't have a lawyer and we didn't have lawyers when we went through the divorce, yes i'm regretting that, but I don't want to spend thousands of $'s and I get nowhere. No, i'm not a bad dad at all, i'm moving 40 min's away from my work to be closer to them. I would love to have the kind of custody that all of you have, i just don't know what i need to do to have it happen or make it happen. I'm assuming i will have to get a lawyer and make it happen, I just have been told by lawyers that i have emailed that some judge's will not change custody, or child support within the 2 years of the divorce. Well, that might be too late, cause my ex is planning on moving in with her "boyfriend" and changing school districts. I have been told that because we have "joint custody" but she has "primary placement" (right now) she can't move them without my written permission, so i'm looking for any advice or experience that anyone has with this. I am moving into a house a block away from the middle school that my daughter goes to right now and my son will be there next year. So I'm just wondering if anyone has gone through this and if I have any say in if they she can do this without my permission?

Just looking for some advice.

Tim
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