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Single Parents - Divorced Adults Group Message Board › Help!..feeling so alone

Help!..feeling so alone

user 24195222
Madison, WI
Post #: 1
Hi, My name is Laura and I'm typically an upbeat, happy,smiley person. Lately I feel so lonely and unloved. Does that sound weird? I know my 3 teens love me...I guess I just need friends. I don't know how to make this feeling go away. I've cried the past 2 days away. I don't know how to move forward.

Thanks for listening,

user 19379981
Prairie du Sac, WI
Post #: 3
Hi Laura,

I know the feeling. I just recently got divorced. This weekend has been a family camping trip with his side of the family for over 10 years. This is the first year they all went and I am home alone with the cats. Even the dogs got to go. So, needless to say I am feeling very lonely as well. I have a TON of work ahead of me this weekend as my house is tore up a bit due to a home improvement project I am working on. I have been home since about 6:30pm tonight and have yet to get started on anything. Seems like crying is the thing to do! Anyways, they say it's healthy to let yourself cry. I hope you get to feeling better soon. I also hope to meet you soon at an event. Hang in there!

A former member
Post #: 30
They don't go away, they only become more distant. I know that doesn't sound like much help. Over the past year I have had many times where I have felt similarly for one reason or another. My self therapy (usually I'm not looking for a cheer up from friends or family) is to treat myself to an activity; I choose either a guilty pleasure, something I should do and there is no reason not to do it now, or I indulge in the feelings to really understand them. I never try to make them go away (for me that doesn't work) and I don't try to ignore them (they aren't going anywhere). I hope that doesn't sound cryptic and can provide you with some meaningful distraction.
A former member
Post #: 32

What you are describing is very natural. I am also normally an upbeat person, and the last few years of my marriage were very lonely and unrewarding. Yet, I too, went through periods of deep loneliness during my separation. I didn't want to be with my wife and it wasn't that I was missing being with her, for we hadn't been spending much time together for years. So the loneliness caught me by surprise. I would be fine for days and feeling good throughout an evening and then it would slam into me.

I think there is just too much sadness and rejection throughout the whole process for many of us to deal with it without having such struggles with our inner feelings. For me I think it was more accepting the loss of hopes rather than it was missing my, now ex-wife, on a day to day basis.

It was tough getting through some of those days. I also had the support of my children, all grown and out of the house, but in regular contact and unwavering. Even that was seemingly of no help during the periods of deep loneliness. It has gotten better over time, much better. Having contact with the Meetup groups has helped. I also attended the Bethel Lutheran Separated and Divorced Support Group for several weeks and that helped me to understand that what I was feeling was normal.

My thoughts are that what you feel is normal. You probably need to go through these periods in order to come out the other side a healthier you. Buried feelings tend to hang around and affect you down the road. Believe in yourself. Hug your children. Make new friends. And some days, just focus on surviving, if the laundry doesn't get done for a few days the world won't end. It will get better.
user 24195222
Madison, WI
Post #: 2
Thank you for replying to my message. You each were very helpful. I guess it's one day at a time. The thing is that I've been alone for 8 years. I think it's getting more difficult now because my kids are older and gone a lot. Hopefully I'll get myself out to the potluck tomorrow!

Thanks again,

Laura :)
Mary A.
user 14361280
Madison, WI
Post #: 12
Hi Laura,

I remember the feeling, but I'm here to tell all of you, it doesn't have to go on as long as it does. It's a major change in life and naturally, it is PACKED with emotion. It's okay--change is good and necessary! So yes, cry, but also, learn to love yourself--that's what this time period is for. My latest, short article talks about how being alone is NOT a bad thing, though you are probably feeling punished right now. It's on my website, under the NOTE tab...please read it...and I'll tell you more what helped me, years ago.

No matter how depressed you are feeling, show yourself some respect by doing just one or two things that would make you feel better. For me, a walk or any kind of exercise did wonders. Second best was working on something around my house, with the thought that, "That way I can focus on the kids when they're here, and not my projects/chores." While it is very difficult some days to find the strength to do anything for yourself, it is critical that you force yourself to do it--you have to show yourself some love or no one else can. You have to enjoy your own company or no one else will. Don't punish yourself! Haven't you been through enough already!

Along with this, make sure you have positive, UPBEAT music on, all the time, whether you feel like it or not. Eventually, it will help your mood. Stay away from negative anything, including news or movies, or music. If you exercise, I recommend doing it outside and letting yourself think of nothing while you do it, except your dreams of your perfect life now...what do you want to learn, now that you have the time? What activities would you like to do? How would love be, with your PERFECT MATE? What would all of this feel like? Here's the thing...

I have learned that what you focus on the most, you will why on earth give any thought to the pain of the past? Why bring more pain? Truly, it's the last thing you want, right? Truly, you want all those good things I mentioned above, right? So please, FOCUS ON THEM! You've got nothing to lose.

And yes, get your body to the MeetUp outtings! They are fantastic, non-threatening, and it is a good thing you do, to show yourself some love! It counts as a positive activity. This time of the year, there are a million things to do! Don't hesitate to go alone and just see who you come across...most everyone loves meeting new people and you never know who you might come across! Fill your life with positive've suffered enough. You can change it overnight, even if you slip back once in a while, you'll know how to pull yourself up by loving yourself a little more, every day.

Sending Love for a "fast recovery"

Mary Anne : )
Optimistic C.
Madison, WI
Post #: 19
Hey Laura,

"Welcome to SP-DA."

That light at the end of the tunnel is NOT a train... it is real daylight! Take each day one at a time. Cry if you need to... but try to keep moving forward. Crank the music, draw the shades, dance and sing out loud!
My sister in England offered me a couple of analogies/advice that really helped...
1. "Buckle in brother! The ride is going to be crazy. There are going to be numerous ups and downs and you will be thrown for a loop but the ride will end!"
2. "Divorce is a lot like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes it is rough and choppy. At those times, just concentrate on keeping your head above water. At other times it is much calmer. The waves are farther apart. That is when you swim towards your destination."

Come and join us at an SP-DA event. These are wonderful people who will really help you. Lean on them... you will be stunned at the support you receive.

Optimistic Chris
Come join us for the bonfire at my house on October 7th.
A former member
Post #: 1
Hi Laura,

I am in the process of divorcing - I think the most difficult thing for me is that I can't even be with my children for half of my lifetime now. I can see and feel myself gradually dealing better with the loneliness, but once in a while I'll wake up in the middle of the night and panic because I'm alone. Then I either don't sleep or have very bad dreams about being alone, and that feeling just sticks with me all day. That is so hard, I used to be very upbeat as well. Still working on getting my 'happy' mojo back.

I have a h.s. sophomore and a 5th grader, and I am one of those moms who is going to take 'empty nest syndrome' very hard. I have to be careful to not be so dependent on my boys to alleviate my loneliness. And in 5 years, I can totally see myself having an experience just as you did.

You did the best thing by posting, and I thank you for being a good role model for me. It is SO important to remember we are really not alone, others have similar experiences, and many of those people are willing to say "yeah, it happens, and you can work through it." That has been so hard for me, but since I've joined this group, a lot of the burden has been lifted.

So, you are the first person I have been able to say this to: I totally understand and it really sucks. But you KNOW in a couple of days things will be better. Take a hold of those loneliness horns, look the beast in the eye, and say GO AWAY PLEASE. Then let them go and move on.

It is so wonderful to read everyone's responses to you. I thank those peopole as well responding. I beginning to have enough strength to give some back to others. Keep your head up, Laura

Smile when it hurts, most of the time it helps. Julie.
A former member
Post #: 15

What everyone is saying is so true and sometimes your heart doesn't want to hear it. You don't want
to be strong anymore. Your sick of having to keep yourself busy, not become too dependent on your kids to also be your friend. All of this sucks. I'm sorry I'm the pessimist of the group. I guess I always have been like this since I was little. Just either a black or white kind of person. So for me to say things get better is amazing in itself. I was stuck in so many horrible black lonlely nights and I feel like I'm finanlly getting my head above water. I get angry because I have to force myself to do things because if I don't I just stay in that dark moment/s but when I force myself to do the things that everybody has mentioned I do feel better I have to admit. There are many things I need to change about myself and the number one thing is facing be alone..ALONE.. I'm a very co-dependent kind of person. I need people like I need water. Some of that is being the youngest out of five and a lot of other things in the past I'm trying to leave in the past but before anyone... and I mean anyone can like or love me I have to find a way to like and love myself. I have to embrace being alone as not a bad thing but just a part of life. Days like today suck cuz I hate rain, I hate grey I hate black and today is exactly that. I know you live in Dodgeville but if you want to meet half way sometime for coffee or something give me a call. I'm also the kind of person that really doesn't initiate stuff I just kind of fade in fade out. I have a daughter who is five and is the absolute joy of my life. I'm trying not to live for her. I'm beginning to see what God has given me before her... a life that I'm suppose to live and fine joy in it. It took almost two years of pain every day pain and I mean literally sometimes every minute and it was exhausting that I dealt with the pain of "losing" my daughter not really losing but losing time with her. I have 50/50 with her dad. It was very very important to me to keep his father in her life. I grew up without one and then lost him when I finally felt like I had one so you really have no clue about the male species when this happens and I didn't want her to have the same black empty void in her life from not ever really having a male role model. So, going a day without her any time for that matter I cried myself to sleep many nights but I do all of my stuff, chores, anything that keeps me from spending time with her on the days that I dont have her so that I can dedicate my time a 100% to her and with that come new challenges too like I have to accept that she is going to want to go play at friends house on "my day" my thinking but hey it's normal I have to accept that I can't keep her to myself on my days. So whether I want to or not I'm becoming that middle ground grey area kind of person. Just go with it. accept it . move on. not easy for me because in general I suffer from anxiety and depression and that alone is a very very difficult task in itself. Don't listen to others listen to yourself. Listen to your heart. Listen to that person that voice that tiny voice you hear in the middle of the night, the one crying and love her, hug her and tell her tomorrow will be better. Just go to bed. go to bed. get lots of sleep. I didn't know how bad I needed sleep. I didn't realize how much sleep affected your mental outlook on things I guess or if I did I just ignored it.
user 24195222
Madison, WI
Post #: 3
Thanks to you all!!! smile
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