Single Parents - Divorced Adults Group Message Board › any ex spouses who are passive agressive?

any ex spouses who are passive agressive?

A former member
Post #: 86
Two getting stuff done people could end up like bulls coming at each other. In that case, I would recommend the submissive person as a mate.

One more thought on this...

There are some getting stuff done people who want someone to be submissive to them but then have contempt for them for being submissive. There are some who are attracted to other bulls but won't stop fighting with them. And there are some that are so focused on getting stuff done that they don't even see the quality of reflection. Reflective people reflect and can change their course. Submissive people just do what they're told. It's the fundamentalist getting stuff done people who are likely to fall into their own traps of failed efforts. It's like steering the ship full speed ahead without looking for icebergs.

Of course, I'm a reflexive person so I might be a little biased. But I do take the time to thing about these sorts of things so I think my perceptions are well thought out. And I also take the time to think about my own bias. So I think these ideas are good ones to think about.
A former member
Post #: 22
so Sara, what you're saying is that she was testing me to care enough to clamp down on her and react. She wanted to do that for ME as long as I made her do it for ME. However I don't undertstand the mental processes of a person who consistently needs to test the other person to the point the other person makes them do something to prove their love, or whatever. I just think she engaged in those behaviors in the hopes I would change to be whatever she wanted me to be.

See, as I have gone through my whole life and my marriage, I see that when I grew up I never saw my parents fight and resolve issues. I never saw them fight at all. I saw my Dad work a lot and got my work ethic from that, but I never learned that you can fight in a marriage and resolve the issues and it gets stronger. I only learned peace in marriage and not fighting that ends up making it better. the only stuff about marriage I learned is from the media where tv shows showed parents fighting and the poor kids are in the bedroom covering their ears to avoid hearing their parents fight. I never wanted to put any of my kids through that.

So what I developed (and actually took pride in) was an adaptive behavior that instead of forcing somebody to follow the path I wanted, I just manipulated the circumstances so there was no conflict. Take the lid off intead of complaining about the garbage being put on the top. She gets behind on her payments and I bail her out by writing a check. and so forth. I did everything I could to avoid a conflict because I was afraid of what would happen if we did come into conflict. Not to mention I had some hidden self esteem problems which I only later realized where they came from (but that is another topic)

The clincher in my idea on what she was doing is I see my son behaving that way with the live in friends and he has admittted as much to me (after I told him not to do it). He does stuff to irritate them in hopes they will either change or leave. I said you can't change them by deliberately irritating people in a way that they dont' know why you are irritating them. People will mostly only change when they believe they should and want to or find the methods TO change. I told my son that if you continue in passive agressive ways you will find yourself with a miserable life with relationships that constantly burn up and you won't know why becaue you are constantly doing things to irritate them and they dont' like it.

so anyways thanks for the ideas everybody.

A former member
Post #: 91
My theory is that people try to change people because they're not happy with who they are. If you're complete in yourself why would you want someone to be different than who they are. It's just a common form of narcissism which is a personality disorder and people with personality disorders don't change. And yes, I think a large percentage of society has some form of personality disorder or mental illness.
kathy b
user 10977654
Milton, WI
Post #: 13
Wow - you are all so insightful!
That says you are thoughtful and interested in growth. Not every one is.

No one likes to be told what to do, some people are easy to percieve a thoughtful conversation as being bossed around and act like children rather than adults. That is their problem, but in wanting things to work and to have harmony and happiness many people work extra hard to compensate for the work the other person isn't doing - whether it is the concrete work of being responsible around the house or the emotional/supportive work of being a caring partner.

During my divorce I was down, thinking I had given too much and accepted the unacceptable. I was embarassed that I stayed with a cheater and then HE left ME. Then someone asked me - why would you think that working to save your marriage is something to be ashamed of? That was a turning point!

The mix of each person respecting each other and wanting to make it work is the key. I bet we all have things other people do that drive us crazy, some little things, some big things that really effect us. (We drive others crazy too, don't forget). We discuss it with them, do they care and try - or do they act like children. Now that's a good test of who they are! Is this what we really want and can deal with or not?

I used to be much more passive and accommodating (I still am but less so). A partner I had was more comfortable with conflict and sought a fight once in a while. I generally sidestepped it and he saw that as weakness rather than choice. Interestingly, he came to me much later after we were no longer together to talk about how really strong I was and compliment me on it.
We all have perceptions - are we mature enough to work with others, or is it just all me me me.
As far as learning and growing and my thoughts and focus - all me me me!

A former member
Post #: 96
OK Todd, don't want you to think I am ignoring you, but could you tell me how you really feel? I am going to cry mercy on this one with you as I am just tired from reading your argument! That and I have some stuff to get done! smile
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