Single Parents - Divorced Adults Group Message Board › Dang it! Again?

Dang it! Again?

Kate
user 8889436
Middleton, WI
Post #: 1
"My husband says he wants to fix things, but doesn't really put effort in".

I can relate to that part so well... I was told by my partner again and again that he wanted to fix things, but there seemed to be not much effort, and his actions often didn't match his words. If your husband is really serious about saving your marriage, he will put his VERY BEST effort into earning your trust back. Sadly, your husband's "efforts" sound more like he's trying to get away with his reckless behavior without showing much remorse or interest in your feelings.

I believe that great relationships can survive almost anything, but only if both partners are accountable for their actions and willing to step up, admit mistakes, and do the hard work that it takes in order to heal (which makes them great relationships :-). Why settle for anything less than a great relationship? And as the saying goes, "it takes a moment to break someone's trust, but it may take a lifetime to earn it back". In your case, it wasn't just a moment, it was an affair that your husband chose to carry on for 1 year, and unless he moves heaven and earth to win you back, it doesn't sound like that's a relationship worth keeping.

"My husband knew of the hardship this caused me and cheated anyway".

That sounds familiar to me as well: a partner who knows that you've been through something deeply upsetting, but chooses to do the same darn thing to you anyway. That's a huge red flag (one that I foolishly ignored early on in my marriage).

Take good care of yourself, and take all the time you need to sort through all your emotions. The last thing you want is having to face this problem again a couple of years down the road when you guys have kids. If you do decide that you want to give your marriage another chance, please know that it's going to be up to him to repair what he chose to break.







A former member
Post #: 17
Jessica,

This is so heartwrenching because you want so much for things to be a certain way when you get married and you trust that a person will be true the the promises they make to you.

Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way.

I have been through this same thing. It is not easy. My ex was unfaithful several times through out our marriage, even introducing my children to her and her children, (they still remember her...yuk!) She used to call my house and try to tell me how it was my fault I couldn't "keep my man", while he lived with her.

This was the second time he had left me for another woman.

It was about every 5 years.....
Ironically while he was with her... he packed up and left, and moved across the country and moved back in with the first woman he cheated on me with...LOL........

I never did trust him again... I tried, I wanted to but it was never possible. It was always in the back of my mind that he was lying to me about everything he said.
Turns out my gut was right, he was an amazing manipulator and abuser.....

Do what brings you peace my friend. Your instinct is to want to run and hide. Take some time. Nourish yourself. It is going to hurt absolutely. But, you will be ok because you trusted yourself and did what you had to do for you. You have nothing to be ashamed of. Hold your head high and know you are doing the right thing by walking away with all of your parts intact a better woman.

All my best,

Michelle
Don
user 10037615
Black Earth, WI
Post #: 33
The last thing you should let concern you is the opinions of others. You have to get away from this guy before he transmits something fatal to you. Luckily you don't have any kids so there's nothing keeping you there except pride. Swallow it and flee. He's not going to fix things with you, at least not on a permanent basis because he can't.

Without going into too much detail I know it happened at least 3 times with my ex. I tried to get her to talk about it and get counseling but she chose instead to throw mind boggling fits. Later she accused me of giving her Herpes. I got myself checked to make sure she didn't give it to me. Thank the stars I remain totally clean.

Back to the point, you can't blame yourself for what others do. Maybe you could blame yourself for choosing the wrong kind of guy. You can get counseling to work through issues you may have so next time you can find a genuinely good guy.

People who cheat do it for their own reasons. The feelings of the spouse play no role in the cheater's mind. It's an incredibly selfish act.

In the movie Moonstruck the Olympia Dukakis character say she thinks men cheat because we can't face death. Personally, I don't buy it but who knows? Maybe it's true for some men.

You're young and pretty and have a terrific smile. You will attract someone new, no question about it, so don't let that concern you. You'll need time to heal which might take 5 years or more but don't let that keep you from saving yourself now. You've made a good first step by asking for help from us. Ask yourself this question: If you don't get out now, then when? Don't wait for any more bad news from him. Think about this too: Who is going to want to listen and help later if you don't act now? Get out.
Don
user 10037615
Black Earth, WI
Post #: 34
P.S.

Some of us are also members of the Surviving Infidelity MeetUp group. Consider joining us. We're not real active right now but we can have some good talk when we do meet.
Sue
user 19379981
Prairie du Sac, WI
Post #: 14
Jessica,

I am so sorry you are going through this!! PLEASE know that it is his character defect not YOURS.

This happened to me after 26 years of marriage. Not only was she his employee but she was just a few years older than our oldest child. So, for me it was total humiliation and embarrassment. Then I went through it all over again when I found he was still doing her while we were in couples counseling. Geesh how dumb can one be? I was really played for the fool. I naively thought we could get through it and past it. He said to me she is not the reason for our marriage troubles. WOW really, how can that HELP? She may have not been the reason for our marriage difficulties but she sure was the reason for the divorce. Apparently her and her husband are still together. I am still hurt and angry, that my family was torn apart and what I thought my future would be was obliterated. I think it may take a while to get over the betrayal. I naively thought I was married to my soul mate and we would grow old together! I loved him very, very much. But I guess it wasn't enough.

I have always been a very trusting person. I am not very trusting of anyone right now. Which is really NOT me. I am still trying to find that good trust balance. I know I am still hurting and still have anger and bitterness in my heart, which is NOT how I want to be. I feel some days I should be more welcoming to him in my life.... but I am NOT THERE yet and I don't know if I will ever be. That kind of betrayal cuts deep.

I am just trying to move forward as best as I can. Doing little things for me because I am worth it. Talking to others who have gone through it gives me hope. This group and a couple of other groups has helped tremendously. I have met some wonderful people and can get out and have fun. I really encourage you to talk to others. It is hard, and I isolated myself for about a year and I would say PLEASE don't to that! It makes it much worse. One of those if I had known then what I know now kind of thing.

I really never thought that I would be where I am today and by that I mean Divorced. I was in it forever, but when your told "we no longer have a future together" what do you do? Keep holding on or get divorced? So, while my life is certainly not what I thought it would be I am holding on to hope that this happened for a reason and I will come out BETTER than I was before.

I am hear if you ever want to talk.

Sue
Steve M.
user 12572727
Madison, WI
Post #: 9
I'm so sorry you went through this. I completely agree with Julie V. I have not had that experience, but I have always remebered this quote: "once a cheater, always a cheater". I have seen it in person. Run away as fast as you can!
Jose
JoseNieves
Madison, WI
Post #: 6
*deep breath in and out*

This past Saturday I found out that my wife of 11 years (partner for 16) has been unfaithful to me for some time now. As you can imagine, we've decided to move forward with a divorce because of this and a host of other reasons. It's painful because of the amount of sadness, anger, shock and disrespect I feel. I don't care how much she tells me that she did it because she has been "disconnected" with me or that she didn't really view herself in a relationship. Just as someone mentioned, the marriage vows don't include a "till I feel like getting my kicks" clause. If you don't wanna be in "it", then sever the ties and THEN get your jollies off. If the other party is in a relationship with kids too, then he should man up and tell his wife.. otherwise he is a pu$$y.

In this dawning age of texting and Facebook, infidelity is sooooo much easier that I truly suspect an increase in this sort of situations.
A former member
Post #: 92
Having survived a cheating experience that is probably about as awful as it gets, I'll tell you, the real problem isn't the cheating, it's the lack of empathy and compassion. Cheating is just a symptom of something far worse, selfishness. There seems to me to be two kinds of cheaters, the cheaters that cheat in the moment and feel remorse and guilt, which aren't the kinds you hear about often perhaps because marriages don't break up that way or perhaps because they're not as common, and the other kind which is the "hit and run" operators are the rationalizers. Some might even act like what they did wasn't cheating because there were other problems in the relationship. Give me a break, yeah, problems go both ways in a relationship, but if you try and try and try and can't be happy, then leave before you start something with someone else! Don't make it easier for yourself by making it worse for the person you left with a pile of shit. I felt temptations. Believe me, when your wife is criticizing you for everything you've done and you can do no right, it feels very tempting when someone sees that spark in you. But I stayed away from the people who I felt a spark with because I made a promise and because we had kids and most importantly because it would hurt her and I cared about her.

I don't believe that every cheater is a bastard or someone without trust. I do think that a lot of cheaters, often people we have been with for many years, were people we never really knew because they were just phoning in the relationship. I do think that for some people cheating could be an opportunity to "transform" a relationship, a sort of wake up call that there needs to be more than a superficial shift. But that wasn't me.

The bottom line, if regaining the trust is more important to you than the person who violated your trust, then that person has to go. Because no body's true love fantasy is winning back the person who cheated on you. Kick him to the curb. If that doesn't get him in motion, then he never will be. If it does, pay attention to see if his efforts stick. Leave if they don't. I personally would much rather be alone and in alignment with myself than settle for a depressing excuse for love.
Jose
JoseNieves
Madison, WI
Post #: 9
Amen!! My wife (soon to be ex) has not finished filing the paperwork and has been engaged in an affair for the last month. An affair that she knows I know about. Her reasoning is that since the marriage was over for her 8 months ago (even though she told me how serious it was about 4 months ago), then it's completely within her rights to do whatever she wants to do and communicates with this guy (using company resources while at work) while we co-habitate the same house. She has surrounded herself with friends who tell her that she should choose the path of love but who forget to mention that the husband of 16 years should be treated like a human being.

My bags are packed and in the car, ALL the pictures came down from the walls last night and I am staying with a friend to help him with his sick wife. I am a good man, a good husband and a good human being and in those 16 years I never lied or cheated and I will not continue to be her doormat. She has decided to throw the WHOLE relationship away and will have to live with all the consequences.
A former member
Post #: 3
Amen!! My wife (soon to be ex) has not finished filing the paperwork and has been engaged in an affair for the last month. An affair that she knows I know about. Her reasoning is that since the marriage was over for her 8 months ago (even though she told me how serious it was about 4 months ago), then it's completely within her rights to do whatever she wants to do and communicates with this guy (using company resources while at work) while we co-habitate the same house. She has surrounded herself with friends who tell her that she should choose the path of love but who forget to mention that the husband of 16 years should be treated like a human being.

My bags are packed and in the car, ALL the pictures came down from the walls last night and I am staying with a friend to help him with his sick wife. I am a good man, a good husband and a good human being and in those 16 years I never lied or cheated and I will not continue to be her doormat. She has decided to throw the WHOLE relationship away and will have to live with all the consequences.

My only question Jose is why are your bags packed? She should be the one out the door.
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