addressalign-toparrow-leftarrow-rightbackbellblockcalendarcameraccwcheckchevron-downchevron-leftchevron-rightchevron-small-downchevron-small-leftchevron-small-rightchevron-small-upchevron-upcircle-with-checkcircle-with-crosscircle-with-pluscontroller-playcrossdots-three-verticaleditemptyheartexporteye-with-lineeyefacebookfolderfullheartglobegmailgooglegroupshelp-with-circleimageimagesinstagramFill 1light-bulblinklocation-pinm-swarmSearchmailmessagesminusmoremuplabelShape 3 + Rectangle 1ShapeoutlookpersonJoin Group on CardStartprice-ribbonprintShapeShapeShapeShapeImported LayersImported LayersImported Layersshieldstartickettrashtriangle-downtriangle-uptwitteruserwarningyahoo
A former member
Post #: 6
I absolutely agree with Brad and Ken. When I observe a couple who speak respectfully to and about each other, who seem to have a private 'language', whose children - if applicable - are levelheaded and happy, in addition to sharing small intimate moments, I see that couple as possible 'soul mates'.

I see it in more mature couples; people who genuinely know each other and are relaxed who do not need to demonstrate their dedication for others to see it. I almost never observe it in couples with young children, or couples in 'mad love' with each other who need to show the world how blissfully happy they are. I have a very difficult time believing that a few weeks, months, or even years could produce evidence of a soul mate.

We often mistake the excitement, great sex, good looks, lack of disagreement, fun and energy a new relationship brings as evidence that someone is a soul mate. We are finally happy! We put them on a pedestal, our guard goes down, we float around thinking we're set for life...then something happens and the relationship is done - because the brain was not involved. That was my story and I'm not repeating it.

I think our culture has been influenced by the American Dream, and literature and television's constant portrayals of wonderful love and beautiful relationships. Real life is hard work for most of us, and even if we work hard, some things are unattainable. Rarely does something special come to us while we're sitting on our butts or blindly walking through life. We need to be in the right place and time, with an open, aware mind and heart, to even have the possibility of finding someone who could be a soul mate.

Reality bites. But I do agree that we can create our own happiness and cultivate a deep relationship. I don't think it just happens - it takes hard work. Some couples work harder. Some couples are lucky to have little stress in their life. Some couples have incredibly positive dispositions, or compliment each other in just the right ways. We can't predict those outcomes, and there is no formula or plan that guarantees finding a soul mate and living happily ever after.

This is a really interesting conversation - thanks for putting it out there, OC. I need to remember to be more level headed and realistic next time around.
A former member
Post #: 4
Oh, Julie - I totally hear you. And everything you're saying makes me think of all those eHarmony commercials with the sickeningly lovey-dovey couples on them. Sorry, cynical moment...

Anyway, I've been through enough dizzying highs of relationships that seemed to have "soulmate" potential that crashed and burned horribly that I'm just on this side of jaded. However, I'm trying really hard not to let that rob me of the potential to experience a little "magic" with the right person. That being said, I'm not looking for eHarmony magic, but rather a compatibility and a connection that is truly very deep - AND - an understanding on both of our parts that relationships are never perfect, and they all take work.

This whole discussion makes my head spin a little bit because the term "soulmate" really seems to be heavily based on one's perceptions, which are wildly different from person to person. My brain hurts - I think I'll stay single a little while longer...my dog is so much less complicated to relate to than men...
A former member
Post #: 93
Soul mates are only accessible to those who believe in them and those who are brave enough to look for them.

Our first soulmate is always ourselves. If we believe in that person, then we know what we are looking for in someone else already exists in the world. The world can hurt you and let you down, but you don't have to let it down.
A former member
Post #: 1
Very interesting discussion. I'm unsure of the whole soulmate issue. I know there is true love. I've had it. I know there is infatuation, lust, in love with the idea of being in love, I've been there too. I hope to someday be lucky enough just to have a mate I can call my friend, someone to share my inner secrets and my daily frustrations. I thought I would grow old together with my wife and she decided to try to be young again with another instead. I don't hate her for it, I gave thought to that same possibility at times during our 27 years together. Those are the types of things I wish to share with a "soulmate" or just a friend. I don't see this as impossible, I see this as inevitable. The wisdom and maturity I find coming to me today, didn't exist even a few weeks ago, I'm taking some wonderful new things out of the pain and soul searching that my wife's infidelity caused me and I'm getting honest about my part in a very dysfunctional marriage. I am amazed that from this came two unbelievably intelligent and well adjusted children. They give me strength.
Amy
AmyRenewed
Madison, WI
Post #: 32
I take a different view on the concept of "soulmates", I guess. I prefer the term "kindred spirits" because it removes the connotation of a sexual/mating relationship, and I believe our spirit/soul mates don't necessarily have that aspect to them.
I absolutely believe we have more than one over a lifetime- I am not the same person I was in college, so the kindred spirit I knew then has faded from my life. In Georgia, I met someone who I am still in contact with after almost 10 years of living 1000 miles apart and seeing each other 3-4 times total in that span. She is one I can call at any time, and she knows me. In Colorado, in the last couple years there, I met another soulmate/kindred spirit that matches another side of me, who again I can call on at any time, for anything.
Meanwhile, my marriage with the guy that was supposed to be my "perfect" match was falling apart. The support structure I worked so hard to build was insufficient to hold, because it wasn't matched with any supports on his. Instead, he was putting on a good face and telling me and everyone else what they wanted to hear. (OK, it's V-Day, I'm feeling it.) During those times when I felt (and feel) like I am untouchable, unlovable, or that I will never meet someone that will be a soulmate, these 2 ladies remind me that I cannot be unlovable, because they are very much lovable and my spiritual sisters- if we match, and they are lovable, they logically, I have to be, too! (Hush, I like my logic.)
Do I think I will meet a man that is a kindred spirit to fall for? Yes, absolutely. I can think of at least one male friend that may be a kindred spirit off the top of my head. More than friends? Someday, perhaps, but not now. Now is a time for friendship, and crying on one another's shoulders as we cope with hard times.

Another thing I find interesting about my KS lately- as I go through this divorce drama, we are all coping with dramatic issues. My GA KS (now in NH) is dealing with infertility issues, my CO KS just completed her divorce and is planning her wedding (rushing a bit, but she loves him), and my newest KS is also divorcing and has a child my son's age. I cope best with my problems when I can help others, as do they, so the timing is impeccable!
Adam L.
user 13628645
Edgerton, WI
Post #: 7
@ OC,
I was a main part of that original conversation. I just wanted to say that it was awesome to see that you did this post. I haven't finished reading everyone's input. I would love to put in mine but need more time. We should open this up again in person if the opportunity presents itself. I do better on the fly and talking then typing things out.
A former member
Post #: 34
Adam, I also remember it well. When I first read this remembering that night in the back yard, not saying much myself, just ingesting everything into the 2am hour. Listening to everyones take/story on this. Calling it what you will, soul mate, life partner, whatever. Seemed to be one thing in common, the search for happiness.

This is also what we all have had stripped from us, or at least thought we had. No matter what side of the coin you came from, the divorcing one or the one left behind, it makes no difference. Both go through the hurt, shattered dreams.

As I read other threads started recently, I can’t help but notice the anger being expressed from some. Feeling the pain of being the one left behind, the feeling of betrayal. I have shared this with you. Yet, I also know what it is to be the one to finely realize it’s over, maybe never was and be the one to file. I hold nothing against my ex, I know she lives with the same feeling of shattered dreams. Loosing her home and family as a whole.

There is a cause for every failed marriage, doesn’t mean the other is a bad person, something had to be the excuse to break the habit cycle of co-existence. Everyone starts with a clean slate, now is the time to heal, learn and pick up the pieces to show our children what life is about.

I may have gone off topic a little, but don’t write my feelings often and this thread topic is the basis of my decision for divorce. Live unhappy ‘til I’m 50 to spare my children the agony, or sever it now and show them it’s not normal to live separate unhappy lives in the same household.
A former member
Post #: 139
Brad, you make me smile!
Optimistic C.
OptimisticChris
Madison, WI
Post #: 237
This was a great thread that I started two years ago. A lot of water has passed under the bridge since then.
So I was wondering if any of our original responders have a different take on the original question or if our many new members would be willing to share their thoughts and insights.
I do encourage everyone to grab a glass of their favorite beverage and read from the beginning. Click on the #1 below.

OC
Laura
user 6540411
Group Organizer
Madison, WI
Post #: 202
Great idea, Chris. I remember this thread and can't believe it's been two years already since it first appeared! Thoughts anyone? Don't be shy smile
Powered by mvnForum

People in this
Meetup are also in:

Sign up

Meetup members, Log in

By clicking "Sign up" or "Sign up using Facebook", you confirm that you accept our Terms of Service & Privacy Policy