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Single Parents - Divorced Adults Group Message Board › The big O after the big D

The big O after the big D

A former member
Post #: 10
Sylvia, very powerful stuff. I too have a strong network of friends who love and care about me deeply. They help me top stay strong when I feel the desire to fill the void with someone or something. I appreciate your honesty and look forward to meeting you along the way some day. It's so nice that there are people who are willing to spend the time and energy offering solace to guys like Jose and myself. Our pain is raw and obvious and your acceptance and self awareness is also. Thanks
Madison, WI
Post #: 23
Sylvia, we might have found a business opportunity. Not to make light of the subject but how about making "life-like bed partners". A big pillow (male or female) that as you squeeze it's hand, it goes through a series of pre-recorded soothing messages.. You get to pick which ones are the most important to you.
A former member
Post #: 3
Jose, that's actually a pretty good idea. Totally hilarious and a little creepy at the same time too, I must say. But I know your intent and it's a good thought. wink
Optimistic C.
Madison, WI
Post #: 65
Don't they sell things like that at Red Letter News already? ;) OC
A former member
Post #: 11
It's the personal "touch" that works I think Jose. Good idea. :)
Jeffrey S.
user 8848444
Merrimac, WI
Post #: 1
Hi Cal

You had mentioned that you were ready to leave the marriage long before your ex had an affair, but suddenly she swooped in, had an affair, and now feelings of lonliness are crashing down upon you. Only my opinion, but it sounds like you were lonely for many years while being married. It was like a volcano ready to explode. Your ex's affair was the final trigger that forced the volcano to explode. Or look at it this way, are you suddenly lonely for a shitty relationship that went on for many years? Who would want that.

This should be a time for rejoicing! You are free to explore the world and explore yourself! Don't listen to that ego, knee jerk part of yourself that says things must be better RIGHT NOW. If a tornado destroyed your house and everything you own, you wouldn't immediately expect to be moved in to a new house, with new furniture and all set to go with life again.

This is so trite, but you do have to pick up the pieces and start over again. But I'm emphatic about this IS a good thing for you! You have broken the chains that had you in a tight grip for so many years. Think of the wonder, the possibilities, the new adventure and path you're on now. Say no to the bombardment of negative feelings you're getting via what your ex-wife did to you. That is her negative, dark world. You have your own world and can control whether or not you want her nasty world to come into yours.

With that Cal, I am so impressed that you are reaching out, dealing with this and being so upfront and honest. What a step you have taken and you should be proud of yourself. It may not be much to make the pain go away, but you are such on the right track. I wish I had done what you are doing after my marriage broke up almost 4 years ago. Because I didn't it only delayed the inevitable task that I had to do--look in myself and learn to be happy with just myself.

And for thee most trite thing of the day to add: live within the moment! You are in such a world of pain right now, and justifiably so, your brain is going 300 miles an hour trying to figure out how quickly you can solve this problem. Just stop, slow down and LITERALLY live life one hour or even one minute at a time. As soon as you start thinking about the future, (other than everyday tasks that need to be accomplished), whether it be 6 hours from now when your sitting in your lonely house for the evening or 6 weeks from now, stop. You're not denying the reality of your pain, but your concentrating on who Cal is right this moment and not trying to predict the future as to how this pain is going to fix itself. It will and deep down in your heart you know it is.

Hang in there Cal. You're on the right track. This will go away. This will get better. Get ready for your new, very cool life that's coming!


A former member
Post #: 12
Thanks Jeff, you are so right of course. I'm still getting used to the fact that so many people here just seem to want to help, no strings attached. It's all about me at this point and I need to concentrate on that. I find it difficult to turn away from the implied flirtations of friends and others in order to heal myself right now. I don't think I was a very deep person before I entered into this marriage and I only remember what it was like before. I was pretty insecure and tended to find comfort in a woman's arms as a means of dealing with loneliness rather than trying to brave the storm on my own. s much as I know that is not the good road right now, I also recognize my own lack of strength. I'm trying to stay true to myself. Celibate since Dec. 7th or so, didn't start out of my own free will but it can only be my refusal to jump into the fray at this point. If I gain strength by remaining abstinent for a year, so be it. It may or may not be possible but I'm going to try, one day at a time right?
Madison, WI
Post #: 12
OK, so everyone has been very careful to talk about dating and getting into serious relationships, but I'm not sure that was the whole question. Dating seriously and "the big O" are (or can be) two different things. How does that change the answers?
I ask because I truly want to know, not just to be difficult. I'm preparing the petition for divorce now, but have done my grieving over the relationship over the past 2 years (since I knew it was dead). Now I'm facing 12-24 more months of celibacy, after more that (mumble) years already!?! I agree that I should not get serious about someone, fall in love, etc, yet. But what about flings? Are they truly all bad?
OK, so now that I've totally taken the conversation from the romantic clounds to the gutter, feel free to castigate me.
A former member
Post #: 6
I think you have a good point. I truly believe that a fling can be just that....a fling.. As long as you are safe about it and no one has any expectations..I think it can actually be a healing step towards something much more meaningful down the road. :). Should we all start sleeping around just to get some..NO.! completely close ourselves off....nope to that too!
Optimistic C.
Madison, WI
Post #: 67
I'll answer your question Amy... from my perspective... when I see you at a Meetup. ;)
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