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Single Parents - Divorced Adults Group Message Board › Typical emotions, feelings and fears, and also typical feeling alone

Typical emotions, feelings and fears, and also typical feeling alone

Kim
user 16714181
Deerfield, WI
Post #: 3
The divorce is in the negotiations between the attornies due to my STB ex wanting to buy me out of our house for his 12 yr old daughter to have the house instead of them in an appartment.

Fear and panic are increasing. I lost my job due to corporate downsizing at the beginning of our marriage. We decided I'd stay home and take care of things and help with his daughter. I worked 8 months of our 3 yr marriage. I am seeking full time employment but took any job that was offered to me. I began my current part time job in December at 24 hrs/wk @ $11/hr and no benefits. It has always been a part time position and that will not change. I enjoy my job and the people I work with but I can not stay and have to keep looking for a full time position with more hrs, higher pay and benefits.

So the fear and panic set in on how am I going to do this alone? When am I going to land a full time job? Where am I going to live?

Then the self deteriorating thoughts come and go of will I always be alone when someone promises you until death do we part but so easily can change their mind after 3 yrs of marriage?

I usually can keep my thoughts and feelings in check but lately--with the finalization of the divorce coming closer they are increasing.

Any suggestions-leads on jobs, places to live or co-rent, anything anyone can offer will so be appreciated! And always prayers : )

Thanks bunches!
Amy
AmyRenewed
Madison, WI
Post #: 11
It is hard to suggest a job, since I don't know your background, but have you registered on Wisc.jobs? It is the website that all state government jobs have to be posted on, so it is worth the time. You can create a profile and upload your resume, then create a list of key words- the system will send you a message every time a job is posted that includes your key word(s). I haven't used that function, but the how-to part should help you through setting it up.

I know the spiral your thoughts are on- it creates a rut that drives you ever deeper into fear and panic, not to mention closer to (or deeper into) depression. To quote Peter Pan, find a "happy thought" to act as a rock that bumps your thoughts out of the rut. For me, it is knowing that, no matter how stressful and awful this gets, I'm teaching my son not to settle for not being loved- that everyone deserves to be cared for in their primary romantic relationship. Even if I grow old alone (a thought which I have grappled with and am OK with at the moment), I showed him that it is better to seek and not find than blindly accept benign neglect and a loveless, sexless marriage (OK, hopefully he never realized that last part- he's only 4!). It doesn't have to be a big thing, just enough to jolt the wheel from the rut.

Find your pebble. Then whenever you start to spiral down the hole into panic, etc, pull it out to knock yourself out of the rut. IT WILL GET BETTER! We are given only what we can bear, and we learn from everything.
Amy
A former member
Post #: 65
Hi Kim,

I don't mean to minimize anything, but your situation sounds about normal. My perspective is that the things that cause us to suffer derive a lot of their strength from our resistance. Instead of giving them the freedom to work within us, we tend to reduce them to words, act them out, and generally practice various forms of avoidance. My experience has taught me that the only way through feelings is through them - not around, over, under, or away from. When I'm on my game (and often I'm not), I ask what this feeling wants, what attention and space it needs to work its magic. Then I accept its response. At other times I resist, rationalize, cajole, vent, and otherwise engage in different kinds of denial. In time, to the extent that I'm aware and open, the feeling is satisfied and I move on to the next feeling (which is sometimes a deeper layer beneath the first one).

If I were to recommend one resource I'd offer "Broken Open" by Elizabeth Lesser. It helped me immensely during my relatively recent post-divorce processing.

Best of luck to you. May you grow an open and resilient heart.

Dave
A former member
Post #: 19
Hi Kim, I'm no lawyer and I may be totally off base but I think there is such a thing as a temporary stipulation that your lawyer may be able to exact from the judge to award you temporary assistance (maintenance), until the final dispensation of the divorce. Not at all sure it will apply to your case since I don't know your details but it may bear asking about.
Amy
AmyRenewed
Madison, WI
Post #: 21
I'll put in the same caveat as Cal- I'm not a lawyer, either.

However, I talked to one on Friday and this subject came up. You can get temporary orders for child placement, maintenance, child support, etc. It may take a few weeks to get the hearing, but you don't have to wait for the final decree. At least that is what the lawyer said Friday. Hope it helps!
A former member
Post #: 28
I can understand the doubts and fears that come up. I worried about so much over the course of my life and a lot of my fears never came true. I finally got to the point where I realized that even though there may be things worth worrying about, it never accomplishes anything. right now if I worried about anything I could worry about I would risk maybe being depressed or down in the dumps or whatever. but I know I don't like that feeling and I simply refuse to go there. Plus I cannot allow myself to be like that because I have a son at home who needs me and people at work who depend on me. I guess I have simply decided that I will allow myself to think that way. If I do worry about something being a certain way, most likely things will not turn out that way. so why bother worrying about it turning out that way?

I don't know why somebody would marry another person and then 3 yrs later find out they dont' want to be with that person. That sounds stupid to me. and now you have to start out on the bottom level and build your life by yourself and your career as well and it will most likely it will take awhile. I look at challenges like this and use an analogy with football: a football player that has the football and is tackled and keeps his legs moving and eventually breaks the tackle and scores. I guess you're in the position where you're being tackled and need to keep your legs moving.

I don't know if that helped, but for what its' worth...

Yasmine
user 36092052
Madison, WI
Post #: 2
Hi Kim,

Where you are at now with your job is very similar to myself. I was a stay at home mum for 10 years, before that I worked as a daycare teacher. I am currently working 30 hours a week and surviving on this, and child support. I was married for 18 years, and got married at a very young age. All of my family are overseas so I have no support system close by.

They say that life and how you choose to live it all boils down to attitude. My divorce has been going on for well over a year now and it has not been easy. My marriage was not easy either. I have been through a lot and am still encountering a great deal of stress with things going on with myself, my kids, this divorce. I live my life one day at a time. I have good days and bad days. But overall I feel that my attitude has carried me through this. I try to look at all of the good things I have in my life, things I am grateful for, the little things that a lot of people take for granted, and my love of people in general. I try to keep a positive outlook on life, and sometimes this can be difficult.

It took me about 2 and a half months to find a job after I left my husband. I looked every day, sent applications and resumes out daily, used several different websites, craigslist for me seemed to get the most interviews. Being at home for so long and not having a degree was a huge setback for me, but I never gave up. Also as an extremely shy and quiet person I would constantly have to push myself and put myself out there, that was very hard at first but got easier as I went along.

I hope this helps and wish you all the best.
A former member
Post #: 10
Going at it by yourself is VERY tough. I was married young too...and now find myself wondering what happens now..only 34 and starting over seems so overwhelming some days! I agree with Yasmine...take it one day at a time. Some days are good, some are awful! Good luck!
A former member
Post #: 40
I keep wanting to write, because I can very much relate to what you gals are saying. I'm a year into this divorce process. I was a stay-at-home-mom for 12 years. The prospect of going back to the job market after so many years out of the loop is... terrifying. I did end up getting a part time job that I love, but it is sure not enough to live off of, nor does it offer benefits. So... for me, I decided to go back to school. It is all scary though. So many changes, so much uncertainty.

But... getting a job I love helped boost my confidence. And... I have found I am really enjoying being back in school. Using my brain again for something more than reading Goodnight Moon is pretty darn cool. I have gotten to rediscover things about myself that I had lost sight of. I'm smart, gosh darn it!

I have my days when I feel scared and overwhelmed. Downright terrified is more like it some days. I tend to do better when I live in the present and take things day by day. Yes, you have to have a long term plan, but you can't get bogged down in all you have to do... just live for those little successes.

Get out and meet people who are going through the same things. You are not alone. You can do this.
A former member
Post #: 24
Good Stuff Jennifer, you need to post more often, many women who need to hear your strength/trials
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