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Single Parents - Divorced Adults Group Message Board › New to this...Dealing with a difficult X, how? HELP...

New to this...Dealing with a difficult X, how? HELP...

A former member
Post #: 6
I looked at the topics, wow, wide spectrum. I feel like I am the only one going through this. All my close friends and family have moved away and I am having a hard time dealing with my X being so mean to me and the court system in this state is TERRIBLE! Anyone else have any advice for me, I'd love to chat with you...

A former member
Post #: 1
I'm going through this as well...just moved to the Madison area from west Virginia. The military relocated me here at the wrong time in my life, going through the divorce process alone and feel very helpless not having any family or friends close to me. Believe me, it feels like you do go through this alone at times but there are others that are going through similar times...ex's are tough to deal with I can relate to that, I think patience has to be your best friend and never stoop down to their level. Always take the high road so u can always say to yourself that you were amicable. Try to stay busy to keep your mind from reeling. I know there really isn't much I can say to make things better cause we all deal with stresses in our life differently but just know your not alone as you think...
user 6540411
Group Organizer
Madison, WI
Post #: 190
Kate & Domenic, you are not alone! This group of 543 members, with more being added almost daily, is proof of that, although it certainly can feel like you are alone at times. I remember feeling the same way until I discovered this group over 4 years ago, and while I don't need the group for that any more, I remain active with it because I get to meet cool new people all the time.

I know it can be tough to get out and start mingling with the group, between work, kids and feelings of apprehension if you've never been involved with a group like this before. But I would strongly encourage both of you, as well as others (I know you're out there!) to join us at an event as soon as you can. Connecting with others in similar situations will help you realize you are definitely not alone, and just getting out and having some (probably much needed) fun will be the best medicine of all.

Optimistic C.
Madison, WI
Post #: 119
I encourage Kate, Domenic and all others checking out the group to take the plunge. You will be STUNNED by the amount of support the members in this group will provide... it is like no other Meetup group! Whatever problems you are experiencing... chances are there is someone in the group who has "been there - done that"! Such an incredible wealth of knowledge, support, fun and laughter.
Did I mention laughter! It's better than "an apple a day"!

I hope to meet you both/all at a Meetup soon.

A former member
Post #: 25
I have been divorced for a while but my ex never passes up an opportunity to throw me under the bus and I'm usually so shocked that he still can upset me, I say what I'm thinking before I have time to let my mouth check in with my brain. Which is exactly what he wants and gives him a seriously warped sense of control. I just have to keep reminding myself that I will never be able to change the way he acts, the only thing I have control over is how I react.
Chris is right, this group is amazing and seems very supportive even though I haven't been a part of it for very long.
user 3945668
Madison, WI
Post #: 29
Do not assume anything. Say nothing. Do not ‘REACT’ to anything. Only ‘RESPOND’ (after giving things a good thought and after carefully choosing your words). Observe and learn the X’s game, thought process and what makes him/her tick. This will help build up appropriate and adequate defenses (emotionally & legally). Document, document, document…everything (photos, videos, handwritten journals, receipts…)! Then take the high road in such a way that s/he cannot sniff your trail. Hope your high road leads to this group … great place for the ‘war weary’ smile…and Oh… did I mention document everything!?!
Amy P.
user 36759682
Middleton, WI
Post #: 3
Kate-even though your son is young try as hard as you can to put him first. I ended up as the person who took the high road and while it was tough I felt better knowing I was being child centered. There have been many times that my tongue should fall out of my mouth onto the floorbecause I have been biting it so hard when I am sitting to the ex at a sporting event or school activity but my kids do appreciate that I make the effort-and that is what they will remember when they are older.
Jane L
user 9999308
Madison, WI
Post #: 31
The process can be long, or short depending on what your objectives are and what you really think is important in court. Maybe think it through on plain white paper before discussing with attorney. Make a list of pro's and con's about what you want, what would be 'best ' for the children. It 's very hard , yet not to menton sometimes, costly to go back to court after settlements and agreements have been granted by the Judge. There is usually a three year waiting period before support orders could be changed and it has to be for really, really good cause.
A former member
Post #: 27
Hi, Kate, I've been through this. The father of my children and I divorced when they were 8 and 10. They are now 30 and 32. He was a real a$$#%. He agreed to whatever my attorney and I put in the agreement. When the divorce was final he ignored everything basically daring me to enforce it. Mr. Passive-Aggressive, that's his MO. So, you have to spend money that you probably don't have on an attorney to get him to follow the rules. It doesn't seem fair. It was a huge improvement when the Feds stepped in and forced the states to enforce the payment of child support.

I think that all the other advice mentioned in this thread is very good. I would add that you need to set boundaries for yourself and your children. Mindful setting of boundaries may help you stop reacting to the crap that he pulls.

My kids went through a few years of not talking to their Dad after they became adults. They knew what was what even though I never talked bad about him. Your kids will, too. Just keep putting them first over your own need to get even. Karma can be a bitch. :) hehehe. Today my daughter has forgiven him and let him back into her life. My son still has a hard time. That's for him to figure out. I give him advice when he asks but I don't get involved.
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