Single Parents - Divorced Adults Group Message Board › QOW #3: Starting to Date Again

QOW #3: Starting to Date Again

Laura
user 6540411
Group Organizer
Madison, WI
One more, then I'm done for the night!

It's time for another Question of the Week. Please post your responses to the message board.

How long do you think a person should wait before beginning to date after leaving his/her spouse? Is it okay to date before one is legally divorced?
Rhonda
user 10768564
Madison, WI
Post #: 2
I believe the answer to this varies from person to person. Personally I believe strongly in being faithful, so for me I do not believe that it is okay to date before one is legally divorced. But a person must take into consideration if they are trying to work things out or if they both feel the marriage is completely over. Some divorces take several years to work out so in cases such as that waiting to begin dating may not be the best choice.

I have no idea how long someone should wait before starting to date again. Personally I have been divorced sense June of this year but I don't feel ready to date anyone, however my ex-husband wasted no time in starting to date again.
A former member
Post #: 96
It definitely would vary and depend on things like who left who, was it a mutual breakup, was it a surprise breakup, etc. I can tell you from experience, 2 months is NOT long enough (having recently went out a few times with someone who was only 2 months separated) no matter what you think. Unfortunately, I think a lot of people are in denial about when they are "ready" because they so badly want to move on. I do think it is okay to date when separated UNLESS you are still trying to work on things with your spouse and you told them the separation was possibly temporary.


One more, then I'm done for the night!

It's time for another Question of the Week. Please post your responses to the message board.

How long do you think a person should wait before beginning to date after leaving his/her spouse? Is it okay to date before one is legally divorced?

Johanna S.
johanna71
Madison, WI
Post #: 2
My ex-husband started dating his current fiancee/girlfriend within a few weeks of us separating. I don't think our marriage would have ever survived, but I can't help but wonder if we WOULD have worked things out had he focused more on saving our marriage as opposed to dating her. We had discussed reconciling for months, and then one day he told me he didn't want to anymore. It's hard to say. But, I also know, it's hard to put a time limit on something like that. Moving on can make dealing with the pain easier, that is for sure! But I myself had taken my vows and love for my ex very seriously, and the thought of dashing into another serious relationship, that deep of a commitment/love, still doesn't appeal to me at this point in my life, even four years later, which is why I probably am still alone after all this time.

I guess when love comes into your life, it just happens, whether expecting it or not, and there really can't be a time limit when it comes to affairs of the heart!
Mike C.
user 9590675
New Glarus, WI
Post #: 1
I have struggled with this subject a lot. It hurt me immensely when my stbx started dating heavily immediately after moving out. I waited about 2 months before I started and I am not sure that timeframe was even the right thing to do since I have so much emotional baggage I am carrying. I don't want to carry that into a relationship that might evolve from dating since more hurt can result (and actually has in my case unfortunately), which isn't fair to the other person ... and when trying to heal from a divorce, ongoing or not, more pain and confusion is not good. That being said, dating is a good way to meet other people and to potentially build new friendships. It has also been nice to feel wanted and appreciated once again, particularly when one's self-image has been so severely damaged. Bottom line is that I think it can be done in moderation, if at all depending upon the person and situation, until the healing is sufficiently done and the divorce is final.
A former member
Post #: 1
WOW! From personal experience, I would say that I would do things differently after my divorce...i immediatly got into a relationship, which lasted 5 years, and has now ended because we never had the time to explore things after our divorces. I would highly encourage "day dates" maybe meeting someone at a coffee shop, or for a quick lunch. I think meeting new people is a great way to help boost one's self esteem which tends to be very low during and after a divorce. Leaning on your family is good, but it seems like the conversation always veers toward the X, which can make it very hard to heal. I think making new connections, platonic connections is definatly a good thing to do.
As far as how long to wait, I think that depends on whether or not you were prepared for the divorce, meaning that you pretty much knew it was going to happen, it was just a matter of time. If you were/are prepared for a divorce, then I don't see anything wrong with starting to meet new people and forming friendships which could potentially turn into more when the time is right.
Carolyn
user 8080883
Waunakee, WI
Post #: 13
I tried to date a few months after my ex filed for divorce, and it was a big mistake. I thought I was ready because heck, he was still seeing the woman he left me for, so I figured I was ready too. Wrong!

For me, the combination of one-on-one therapy and group therapy helped me understand more about why the breakup happened and allowed me to work on loving myself again. I truly believe a person should not date until this "heavy lifting" has been done - however long it takes. The support I received from friends in this meetup group have helped me as well. There were a lot of lonely nights and weekends, and I'm still healing, but I'm in a good place now and am dating a really great guy.

I think it's OK to date before you are legally divorced if there's no hope of reconciliation and you feel emotionally ready to date.
A former member
Post #: 1
I think it's an individual choice that people make for themselves and their own situation. People date for so many different reasons whether they are emotionally available or not. I have done my share of dating for the wrong reasons: to get over a break-up, prove I'm desirable, loneliness, filling a void... They were my mistakes to make and my lessons to learn, and I wouldn't change a thing. Although there may be no magic time-line, I do feel a person needs to adequately grieve for the loss of the marriage before they can move on to a potentially healthy and happy relationship.
As for being legally divorced, I also think that depends on the situation. My divorce was completed in a few short months, but I've heard stories of it dragging on for years. If you're emotionally divorced and you feel good about your decision to date, then that's all that matters.
Traci
user 10190670
Madison, WI
Post #: 1
Like others have said, I think it's OK, so long as there is no hope of reconciliation. My stbx is living with his OW now, and I'd like to start dating again, just because I'm lonely. But I also know that after coming out of an abusive relationship, 5 months is just not long enough. I'm still working on me. :)
A former member
Post #: 3
This depends on the person and the situation, but I think that, "anytime you feel like it" applies to most. I believe one thing that applies to EVERYONE is that when involving kids... don't --keep your dating life separate for a good while until it becomes absolutely necessary for introductions.
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