Single Parents - Divorced Adults Group Message Board › QOW #5: Ex Spouses & Significant Others

QOW #5: Ex Spouses & Significant Others

Laura
user 6540411
Group Organizer
Madison, WI
It's time for another Question of the Week. Yes, I know the last one was at least a month ago. Remember, I said that the term "weekly" would be used loosely. :)

The question (or should I say questions) is:

Does your ex have a new significant other? Have you met him or her? How did it go? If you have kids, do they know this person? How do you feel about your kids spending time with this person?
Alexandra
user 8166286
Madison, WI
Post #: 12
This is a timely question for me because the one-year anniversary of my "ex's" marriage to someone else just passed. While it was easier than last year, when my daughter's and my holidays were ruined by his untimely choice of wedding date, I still felt some vestiges of resentment. As for the other person, at first, I felt like I had to know every detail about her and wished I could meet her. Now, I'm sort of in a stage of denial where I feel that for my sanity I need to pretend she doesn't exist, not look at photos of her or anything. I suppose the next stage will be calm acceptance...?! Anyway, my child has met this person, even stayed with them (dad & wife) for a time. Even while I do, of course, want my daughter to have good relations with her "step-mother" (I'm still not totally OK with using that term, since she's no kind of mother), I must admit I was somewhat insecure that she would think that their house is perfect and ideal and so on (since it's easy to idealize something you only see briefly). Thankfully, even though my daughter had a good time, she had a more realistic view of the woman and their house, and came back more appreciative of what she has at home.

Over all, it's getting easier, but I can tell there's still a road ahead. Occasionally, when I imagine all of us at my daughter's high school graduation ceremony or some other family event in the distant future, I get really ticked off, thinking "what right does this stranger have to attend my daughter's events?!" I suppose/hope that I will be over it by then! Has anyone else experienced similar things?
Rhonda
user 10768564
Madison, WI
Post #: 4
My ex does have a significant other, I have never met her and don't feel it would be wise for me at this point to meet her. My ex didn't want to admit he was dating someone else and does not talk to me about her. As for my son he is almost 21 and I have no idea if he has met her or not. However I still don't like the idea of my son spending time with them as a couple. Mainly because I have many hurt feelings about the whole situation as of yet.
A former member
Post #: 8
My ex is engaged. I found out via Facebook. He still saw the need to throw it in during an argument. He has not told my children. He doesn't live in the area so I do not know when/if they will meet her. I do wonder if my kids will eventually end up spending time with her. I know she bought my kids birthday and Christmas presents and put his name on the cards, but otherwise I do not know anything about her. I do know she has at least one child of her own.

I have mixed feelings about the relationship. Sometimes I am mad at him because I know their relationship started while he was still with me. For her, I mostly just wonder if she has the same problems I had with him in my relationship. I wonder if he is better to her than he was to me. Sometimes I resent the relationship because I know he can hang out and have fun without ever having to think about a babysitter. NYE was hard because my kids fell asleep before midnight and I thought about them together while I was up alone. If I'm really honest with myself there is a part of me that hopes their relationship fails.
A former member
Post #: 1
My ex and I agreed not to introduce the girlfriend/boyfriend to the kids until we knew this was going to be a very long term relationship, so the kids would not have to feel the loss of the break up. Well...that was until he got a girlfriend, and introduced the kids to her within a very short time period. She had kids as well and they all spent time together. About a month later, he broke up with her with all four kids in the house...she freaked out, hysterical crying, and made him tell her kids it wasn't because of them. Since that episode the kids have not mentioned their dad dating anybody. If he is, I think he learned his lesson (I hope).
Carolyn
user 8080883
Waunakee, WI
Post #: 17
Yes, my ex has a SO, and not only have I met her, I work with her! I also work with my ex. My son does spend time with her, and so far, things seem to be going well. As long as we keep communication open, I think I will be OK with it. After the divorce, the ex and I discussed introducing our son to new partners and, although we don't agree at what point the meeting should take place, we do agree that people we are casually dating should not be introduced to our son.
Traci
user 10190670
Madison, WI
Post #: 4
Wellll, my ex has a significant other as he left me for her. No, she has not met our children as he has completely abandoned the kids as well. Yah, he's a sweety.
Mike C.
user 9590675
New Glarus, WI
Post #: 2
My stbx has introduced my 13 yr old daughter to a boyfriend for almost each month of the 7 or so since we split. She has introduced my 18 yr old son to a couple of the "more serious" ones and he has not liked it since he is still angry about some of the mean and manipulative things she has done to me and him. She is now talking of moving in with her latest boytoy or vice versa and he pretty lives at her place with my daughter ... and he sleeps over there most nights from what I am told. Seems not quite right to me since the divorce isnt even final yet, but then nothing Dianne has done seems quite right for anyone but herself. She is even discussing marrying the guy someday since they are in love and did xmas together with my daughter. According to my ex, my daughter "absolutely loves him" ... not surprising she would feel the need to tell me that since she is a very cruel person indeed ! Needless to say, I have not met him nor do I want to. And I have told my ex that. My son has met him, and is not very happy about it ... particularly about the hypocrisy and narcissism that his mom has exhibited.
A former member
Post #: 6
I've had both good and bad experiences with my ex's new relationships. I will share that with the worst of the experiences, we updated the custody agreement to state that all decision making will be done by biological parents only. Each of us have the opportunity to discuss the situation with our significant others if we wish to and then come back together to make the decision. This took care of the issues of the overpowering second wife and his most recent ex.
A former member
Post #: 3
My ex started seeing her boyfriend about five months before we broke up (what a way to end a ten year relationship and eighteen year marriage, huh?). Anyway she's 39 and he's 28 and it was a very painful experience for me because she used me in some very strange ways (like asking me to buy her lingerie online that was for her to wear for him). It was a very strange summer for me that ended with my marriage ending suddenly when I just couldn't help myself from finally snooping.

Anyway, we have two daughters, ages two and five. My five year old is heartbroken and has already mentioned that her mother has exposed her to her boyfriend. She is very confused by it. It is very upsetting to me but I'm trying not to react because it will only cause more problems. Instead it has lead me, along with other things, to cut off all contact with her and let the lawyers do their job. It's a really sad situation. Today is my daughter's birthday and we were all going to go bowling, but I just can't be around my ex anymore. She hurts me too badly. But of course I feel terribly guilty because she wanted so much for us all to be together.

I'm living with a lot of pain right now but I'm surviving and slowly healing.
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