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A former member
Post #: 4
My ex is getting married in May. My 5 year old last night referred to the fiance as his "second mom." Of course this was tough to swallow but beyond that I am not sure I am comfortable with that. Thoughts? Opinion?
Kathryn
user 10588499
Madison, WI
Post #: 16
My ex is getting married in May. My 5 year old last night referred to the fiance as his "second mom." Of course this was tough to swallow but beyond that I am not sure I am comfortable with that. Thoughts? Opinion?

Second mom is okay. In reality, she will be a stepmother. You are "first mom", i.e., #1! You will always be the one to be most important to your child, and that will not change. The realization of that is what can help you get through it.

Even more important would be if your child is calling the other person by her name or calling her mom. My son told me that my ex was really pushing him to call his new stepmother, "mom", and that was really hard for me. I was quite upset. However, when I talked with the counselor about it, she had a good point: my child has to do what feels safe to him. Going against his father may not feel safe. I told my son my feelings, ie., that she is the stepmother and that gives him another person to love him, which is great, but I am really his "mom" and carried him in my tummy and had him as a baby.....but I also told him to do what felt safe and right for him. He made his own decision and is now calling her by her name, and I am "mom". However, we also do acknowledge that this is his stepmother, and I make that a positive thing for him. The goal is to have your child grow up to be emotionally healthy, and how you react influences that. For your child's sake, think of him/her, and don't give in to the gut-wrenching personal emotions of your ex having a new fiance. Keep your child's emotional health as a priority and try to not have him/her feel guilty. That is what is most beneficial to your child.
Laura
user 6540411
Group Organizer
Madison, WI
Post #: 52
That's great advice, Kathryn. I think the last thing we should do is put our kids in the middle, and an ex that insists a child call a SO "mom" or "dad" is doing just that. One of the hardest things for children in divorce situations (and I am speaking from personal experience here) is to feel like they have to choose between the people they love and/or get caught in the middle of the adult crossfire and emotions.

I, too, find the thought of my kids spending time with another woman they might call or think of as "mom" rather difficult. But as long as that person cares about them and is a positive addition to their lives, then I would do everything possible to maintain a positive front with my children.
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