Single Parents - Divorced Adults Group Message Board › QOW #9: Dating Post Marriage

QOW #9: Dating Post Marriage

Laura
user 6540411
Group Organizer
Madison, WI
We are long overdue for a Question of the Week, so here goes:

What is the biggest dating challenge you have to deal with post-divorce?

Please post your responses to this thread on the message board.
A former member
Post #: 105
We are long overdue for a Question of the Week, so here goes:

What is the biggest dating challenge you have to deal with post-divorce?

Please post your responses to this thread on the message board.

The biggest challenge is having a kid and dating someone with kids. It's puts a whole new spin on things that I wasn't expecting since I had never dated anyone with kids before. The scheduling obstacles alone are enough to make a person give up sometimes :/
A former member
Post #: 14
I just don't know how to ask someone out.

Everyone I dated when I was younger were people I either worked with or knew as friends first. It's been ten years since I had to date anyone new. What I find the hardest is just knowing what to say to ask someone out. It's pretty scary and if you add on top of it all the games... you want to be real, but you don't want to be too heavy. You want to be funny, but you don't want to come off like some cheesy pickup artist. I love meeting new people and I love going out on dates, but it would be nice if you could just be real and enjoy the company without the games.
A former member
Post #: 47
What is the biggest dating challenge you have to deal with post-divorce?


Dating! Don't make me laugh. I can say that I've tried lots of methods over the last 3+ years and found (for me) it's just plan difficult to meeting people when you're so busy not to mention having similar interests and mutual attraction. Plus, I have a habit of clamming up (ie. nervous) when I meet someone that I'm attracted too. Thus, I can't seem to get past the meet and greet dates and I'm just about ready to quit trying, but then I realize that I can't. It's not in my nature to give up trying. Anyone what to go out? LOL Just kidding... Hope everyone is well and take care. Cheers!
A former member
Post #: 1
I have been divorced for 5 years and the problem I have found with dating is that first it is hard to meet someone you have a conncection with but my experience has been that ones I have dated were really not ready to move on, still struggling with divorce. If they were recently divorced they acted like they were ready but in reality they were just faking it I guess. People are busy and scheduling can also be an issue.
A former member
Post #: 41
I guess the problems I have most would be:
Most women my age who have kids, the kids are either grown, or at least at a point where they are fairly independent: or, women who have pre-school age kids aren't interested in a guy in his mid 40s.

Also (and this may be regional) many women don't seem too interested in a custodial father.
A former member
Post #: 15
Alicia, when you say ready to move on, do you mean they weren't emotionally out of their last relationship or ready to move forward in the next relationship.

One thing I've realized is that in many ways I want a much deeper connection than I had in past relationships but at the same time I want to be slower about merging every area of my life. It's a major thing to raise children. And I put so much emotional energy into the problems in my marriage that I didn't develop areas in myself that were important to me. So the idea of having a girlfriend again sounds good. But I know that I owe myself to develop and build up my life a bit before I think I can merge my life with someone else again. Maybe if I meet the right person it won't seem like those things are in conflict with each other. But I think it's a positive thing to want to take your time and do things right.
A former member
Post #: 2
A little of both....but mostly they were still emotionally into the last relationship.


(quote]Alicia, when you say ready to move on, do you mean they weren't emotionally out of their last relationship or ready to move forward in the next relationship.

One thing I've realized is that in many ways I want a much deeper connection than I had in past relationships but at the same time I want to be slower about merging every area of my life. It's a major thing to raise children. And I put so much emotional energy into the problems in my marriage that I didn't develop areas in myself that were important to me. So the idea of having a girlfriend again sounds good. But I know that I owe myself to develop and build up my life a bit before I think I can merge my life with someone else again. Maybe if I meet the right person it won't seem like those things are in conflict with each other. But I think it's a positive thing to want to take your time and do things right.
A former member
Post #: 2
yeah how to ask someone out is a problem. my STBX and I had a kiss then started dating and so I didn't really ask her out...... it's hard finding someone who has enough of the "must haves" and not enough of the "can't stands" chattted with a great gal yesterday, sounds like a match for me, but guess what, she's in TN and hates WI weather. well there ya go.... oh well, stranger things can happen.

According to my divorce care seminar video, takes years to heal from a divorce or separation, yet my STBX things I should be dating right away. bah!!!! and she said she has a date... she probably thinks she can jump right onto the pony after this. Boy is she in for a rude awakening.

A former member
Post #: 16
I think in general, if we're still worrying about what are exes are doing and what what their reaction to us dating is, that's probably a sign that we aren't ready for a relationship yet. In general, I think that the spiritual lesson here is letting go, letting it be.

One struggle I have about dating is guilt. Since my marriage ended as a result of the other person dating, I had to deal with a lot of the pain very early on. And there are things that still hurt and a lot of chaos still in the legal process but a lot of healing has happened too. The one thing I'm struggling with regarding dating is guilt. My older daughter is still hurting. Her and I have really been tuned into each other and have had a really empathetic connection through all this, and I really feel like she needs me to stay tuned in and keep her and her sister my primary focus. I know that I could never go back into that marriage even if it was an option and I do want to be open to building bridges. But it's hard to embrace something new especially when I know how much it hurt my daughter when she started being exposed to the guy her mom has hooked up with. I know it will get easier over time, but I'll definitely be paying attention to how a woman will react when I tell her it would have to be a while before I could introduce her to my girls.

You know, another thing that I think of about dating, it's hard to find someone with similar values and similar personality. There are things that are really important to me that are meaningful. At the same time, I like having fun, I'm laid back, and I like to break the rules sometimes. And I think it's tough to find someone who serious about the things you care about but still likes to have fun the way you like to.

What will be, will be. 'Nuff said.
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