Single Parents - Divorced Adults Group Message Board › QOW #10: Waste of time?

QOW #10: Waste of time?

Laura
user 6540411
Group Organizer
Madison, WI
Post #: 58
It's been a while, so here's a new question for your consideration: At this lifestage, is it a waste of time to date someone if you think there's a chance you might not marry that person?

By the way, any ideas for discussion topics for the group would be most welcome. Thanks!
A former member
Post #: 29
I think it depends on what it is you're looking for. If you're looking to be in a LTR leading to marriage and feel this person is NOT "marriage or LTR" material, then I would think it is wasting both people's time. I believe to allow positive energy and available space for the "right" partner requires me to not "date non-potential mates. Meanwhile, date date date!
A former member
Post #: 1
I think it depends on what it is you're looking for. If you're looking to be in a LTR leading to marriage and feel this person is NOT "marriage or LTR" material, then I would think it is wasting both people's time. I believe to allow positive energy and available space for the "right" partner requires me to not "date non-potential mates. Meanwhile, date date date!


WOW! This is something I have thought about a lot but did not consider broaching it publicly. Thanks Jen (who is always direct and to-the-point) for getting this question out. Natasha and I are looking to hook up for something this weekend. Would you all like to come to our house and continue this conversation in person (I will supply the wine:) ??? While the kids entertain themselves???? Saturday or Sunday....... afternoon or evening........ bonfire in backyard or sprinkler in backyard. Stomp rockets and po-go sticks and box hockey and dogs await. Let me know. Dave
A former member
Post #: 5
I struggle with this same question all of the time. Most of the time I think yes it is a waste of time (for me) because I have such a busy schedule. But then I often wonder if I should keep a more open mind about it. The timing is ironic because I was just trying to decide if I should have dinner with someone that doesn't have the potential for a LTR right now because of our geographical locations.....still pondering that!

Interesting discussion.
Monica
user 12395857
Baraboo, WI
Post #: 4
I think the most important thing is to be honest with both yourself and the person you could potentially date about what you want and where you see things (or don't see things) going. I think the biggest waste of time is when both people aren't up front about this. You see the relationship having long term potential, you assume he does too. He sees it as a fling and assumes you do too. I'm quite sure the thing I'll struggle with if/when I begin dating more is the honesty with self part. Is this truly someone I could see myself with in the long run, or do I just enjoy the attention, the affection, and the newness of it all? Are there things about the person that I'm choosing to ignore for the time being, even though they might be indicators that this isn't the person I'm looking for.

Also wondering if anyone else can relate.... I would really like to have more kids somewhere down the road. Does anyone else feel that pressure as if "time is running out"? Logically, I know that I still have plenty of time and should be in no hurry. But I always feel that undercurrent of fear.
A former member
Post #: 1
So, is it possible to go do stuff with someone of the opposite sex and have it not be a date? I would say I am just wanting to go do things with other people who have kids around my kids ages so that they can entertain each other and I can have adult interaction. I think I am fairly clear about my intentions though, so I don't think a guy planning anything with me would misconstrue it as a date. This could be classified as wasting time, but I like to think of it as filling time!
A former member
Post #: 33
So, is it possible to go do stuff with someone of the opposite sex and have it not be a date? I would say I am just wanting to go do things with other people who have kids around my kids ages so that they can entertain each other and I can have adult interaction. I think I am fairly clear about my intentions though, so I don't think a guy planning anything with me would misconstrue it as a date. This could be classified as wasting time, but I like to think of it as filling time!

TOTALLY okay with that...but I think there's a clear distinction between filling your time with friends of the opposite sex and dating someone just to date.
A former member
Post #: 24
I think it's all individual. At this point I won't date with the expectation of a long term relationship because there are too many unsettled things in my life. I'm open to a casual relationship and things often take a life of their own, but I think the danger is when the people might not have the same expectations for a relationship so communication is important even in a more casual relationship. I enjoy companionship and I'm not a swinger, I'm just not feeling like I'm in a place where I should be making lifelong decisions. Sometimes when you're seeing someone the expectations of one of those people might evolve, and I think that really makes it necessary to check in and communicate your expectations and needs. Sometimes it leads to the end of a dating situation, but that's how it goes.

Some people hate "dating". I'm not one of those people. I like going out. I like getting to know someone new. I enjoy conversation. I don't think it needs to be a nervous sort of thing, just a friendly meeting between two friends (although I do hate asking people out, who doesn't...). Considering that a lot of things don't go according to plan, as we all well know, I don't think you can look at something as wasting your time if you're happy and enjoying yourself. If you feel like you're not getting something you need from the relationship or that it's holding you back from something else that is important to you, then I think that's another story.
A former member
Post #: 3
It's been a while, so here's a new question for your consideration: At this lifestage, is it a waste of time to date someone if you think there's a chance you might not marry that person?

A waste of time? Absolutely not! Isn't that a bit like, "Should I take piano lessons if there's a chance I won't play concerts"?
John H.
user 13208067
Madison, WI
Post #: 2
Amen man!

Just because we've all been through the loss of love, that is no reason why we can't all face forward, stand up, and enjoy this wonderful thing we call life! Remember, What matters most in your life is not what happened to you, but how you choose to handle it...that's what really matters.
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