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Single Parents - Divorced Adults Group Message Board › QOW #12: Ex Spouse Getting Remarried

QOW #12: Ex Spouse Getting Remarried

Laura
user 6540411
Group Organizer
Madison, WI
Post #: 72
Hi All:

It's been a while since we've had a Question of the "Week", and since this is an issue for me right now, here's my question:

How did you feel when you found out your ex-spouse was getting remarried?

I just found out my ex is engaged, and honestly it is upsetting me much more than I would have thought. After all, we've been separated for almost three years, divorced for a year and half, and have an amicable relationship as far as the children are concerned. Nonetheless, it feels like a shock. I think it's not so much that I want him back as it has dredged up those feelings of failure that are an inevitable part of divorce, that question of "why couldn't it have worked out with us". Does that make sense? Does the fact that it bothers me mean I'm not over him? Because I really thought I was.

Your thoughts and experiences would be very helpful.

Thanks,
Laura
A former member
Post #: 35
Hi All:

It's been a while since we've had a Question of the "Week", and since this is an issue for me right now, here's my question:

How did you feel when you found out your ex-spouse was getting remarried?

I just found out my ex is engaged, and honestly it is upsetting me much more than I would have thought. After all, we've been separated for almost three years, divorced for a year and half, and have an amicable relationship as far as the children are concerned. Nonetheless, it feels like a shock. I think it's not so much that I want him back as it has dredged up those feelings of failure that are an inevitable part of divorce, that question of "why couldn't it have worked out with us". Does that make sense? Does the fact that it bothers me mean I'm not over him? Because I really thought I was.

Your thoughts and experiences would be very helpful.

Thanks,
Laura

Oh Wow! Thank you Laura for sharing such an intimate thought and feeling. I'm not looking forward to when this happens for me. It may be the same feelings when I found out recently my ex is moving in with his girlfriend. My children, especially my oldest daughter, is not handling it well. Like you, it is a sense of failure and unanswered question of "Why COULDN'T it worked with US!!! Dammit!" For me though, I've been divorced 11 years since April 1999 and while I am moving forward with life and dating, I am still feeling a loss of my first love. I truly don't think we are over the loss of a significant love. It's like a crack in a vase, still holding the water with the occasional leaks. Perhaps I need to figure better adhesives to fill the cracks.

A former member
Post #: 7
Thanks Laura for putting out there such a difficult topic and telling us how you feel. My Ex is not remarried but has lived with the person he had an affair with ever since we were divorced. She did not live here and when I found out she was moving to Wisconsin to live with him, I felt very upset. She moved here about 9 mths after our divorce was final. Like you said it was not that I wanted him back but maybe a feeling of failure and just the fact he was moving on and I was all alone. I knew I did not want to be with him but it still did hurt. I think you are over him, it is just all those old feelings being brought up. No matter what, the person you married will always be a big part of your life. Hang in there!
A former member
Post #: 60
My Ex hasn't remarried, but is shacking up -- and quite frankly, it's a relief. I noticed the weird call late at night have stopped, and contact (which was always quite stressful) has dropped off significantly.

So basically, for me anyway, it's a "Better him than me" situation.
A former member
Post #: 1
Laura (and others), your suffering comes through clearly.

My 2nd divorce will be final soon. It's amicable - very friendly, in fact - but it's also very upsetting. I pinned a lot of hopes on the marriage, including having someone to rely on as I continue to age (I'm 60). All that's gone, and I find that what I want is what I had (or thought I had). Maybe if you're upset about your ex's behavior, it's because you still want what you had with him; not necessarily with him, personally, but the other stuff - family life, security of some kind, a "normal" face to present to the world, etc.

Borrowing from Gary Thorp ("Shelter from the Storm"): "[There is a place of] refuge that exists within our own lives. [It] is not some kind of evasion or escape, but is the planting of our 'selves' deeply in the nature of what surrounds us. We lodge ourselves in the deep waves and in the shallow pools, in the crests and depressions of our lives. Sometimes, even wreckage can make a temporary resting place. A person whose life is in tatters might have nothing much else left to do but relax and look at the pieces of what's left. ... the many failed items that were meant to last forever."

I hope this is useful in some way, as you navigate the "pieces of what's left" while building your future.
kathy b
user 10977654
Milton, WI
Post #: 5
Thanks Laura.

I was divorced about 2 years, after an almost 20 year relationship when my ex husband got another woman pregnant (He married her after the baby was born).

I really struggled with the idea of how it was "supposed to be". I was supposed to be the only mother of his children. ~ Those dreams and plans for many years. The situation made our divorce even more final for me, though I surely did not "want him back". When you believe something for many years, it is hard to change your reality.

I had many thoughts about the new wife having what I always dreamed would be my future - and feeling cheated out of what was "mine". I am very Blessed to be able to keep my mouth shut and deal with these things on a pretty private basis- and a few fabulous friends.

Fast forward 3 years. His life is in shambles. Though I am still single, I have known another wonderful love, I am comfortable and secure and have the respect of and a fabulous relationship with my children.

You never know what life will toss at you next. I often feel lucky, I am so much stronger and wiser than when I was younger. I wouldn't trade.

K
A former member
Post #: 29
I think that it will be painful to hear, even if I am happy myself and I think it will stir up a lot of emotions, but I think it will continue to move forward. I will never like the guy my ex cheated on me with and their decision to expose him to our kids early on (which is a 180 from the way I feel about women being around my kids) has pretty much guaranteed I won't be shaking his hand, I hope that she ends up with someone with a little more respect and honor. But in the end, it's her life, her decision, and my being happy is letting go, so I think it will be a bad week for me, but then it will be pretty much it.

The good thing about going through all these shocks so early, and being so proactive about wanting to heal and be healthy, is that you get a lot of things out of your system early on. I don't really see marrying faster as a good measure for your healing. In fact, I often suspect that the person who marries faster might be the person who didn't deal with their issues. But I don't think that's a universal rule.
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