West Valley Writers Workshop Message Board › Query rewrite (attempt # ba-zillion)

Query rewrite (attempt # ba-zillion)

Heather S.
user 54460562
Glendale, AZ
Post #: 10
Hi everyone,
I shortened it quite a bit; leaving some essentials. Please let me know what you think.

Dear Agent,
[Insert personal notes about agent]. I am seeking representation for my young adult fiction, The Sphere of Archimedes (45,000+ words).
Freckled-face dweeb, Oliver Abernethy, finds a softball-size metal ball, but something goes terribly wrong. Meanwhile, Professor Donovan Spiegler is desperate to find the orb, knowing its potential. After four menacing men show up in his study demanding it, Donovan unintentionally leads the mobsters to nine year old Oliver Abernethy and his family. Now they are all in great danger, unless they can solve the mystery of Archimedes’ Sphere.
Readers and moviegoers, who like the thrills and humor of The Goonies by James Kahn, would enjoy this novel. Besides The Sphere of Archimedes, I have completed two other novels and belong to writing groups: Abba’s Writers and West Valley Writers of Phoenix. I reside in Glendale, Arizona with my husband and two children. I look forward to hearing from you.
Thank you for your time and consideration,
Heather Squires
Eveline Horelle D.
user 10545667
Litchfield Park, AZ
Post #: 101
I like it, I would PERHAPS tell the agent you are looking forward to hearing from he/she, or something to that effect.

Remember to put all your contacts.

donna b.
user 11694945
Litchfield Park, AZ
Post #: 69
You might mention anything you have had published if that is pertinent.
Janice Gosa T.
Tonopah, AZ
Post #: 5
I think your query letter is really polished. It's obvious that you've spent a lot of time putting the necessary information to entice an agent into wanting to represent you. I think it's going to get a lot of interest when you send it out. Good luck.
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