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Axen Ft. Lauderdale Message Board › Validation.

Validation.

Dynamo
user 19537791
Group Organizer
Miami, FL
Hi AXENites,

Validation. It’s my drug of choice.

In April we do 30 day challenges, my thought for April was that I was going to change some habits that I realized weren’t productive, I started the month thinking that eliminating the 4 forms of escape I use in what I’ve named “the vices of escapism” would teach me something about mindfulness and conscious choice. Everyone’s vices of escapism are different, mine are as follow;
1) Oversleeping to Escape
2) Porn/Sex
3) Eating my feelings in the form of junk food
4) Social Media/Mindless internet use

In terms of the challenge myself and my ability to stick with healthier behaviors, I’ve done a great job; I’ve lost 17lbs by eating consciously, I’ve had sex a couple of times but haven’t looked at porn, I’m sleeping well and waking up early and social media is a once/twice a week thing (instead of a 8-12 times a day thing). But that’s not even close to what the real benefit had been, I actually wasn’t prepared for what I recently discovered.

The vices of escapism are a way to escape not so much from the world even though that’s a part of it, but more surprising to me, it’s to escape from my own feelings of inadequacy...and a deep sense of not being loveable, therefore seeking validation to prove to myself that my great fear isn’t true. That I am good enough because I’m validated by XYZ...but all of that creates a more false sense of self and is not a real resolution to the fear of not being enough.

Dynamo​​ you got that from not eating junk food or watching porn?! That seems like a stretch?

When you don’t have your usual methods of escape, what you will find will surprise you too. When I had to confront feelings instead of numbing myself I was shocked at the wisdom and realizations just beyond the vices of escapism. It makes sense why monks go on fasts, give up possessions, become ascetics and challenge themselves to shed parts of the material world. You can better discover yourself without all the layers of distraction. Before this gets too culty, don’t worry this won’t involve drinking any Kool-aid or wearing a tin foil hat in preparation for the ascension...that’s next week.

When I stripped away the vices that make my stress bearable and the existential dilemas and ennui that is masked by living with this belief, I looked at myself and felt the feelings I had been avoiding, I saw behaviors and felt fears that were just below the surface, but was so real — it’s changed my life.

I realized my anxiety, stress, fear all the feeling and shitty behaviors I’m not proud to admit like subversive manipulative behaviors, passive-aggressiveness, lying, control, flakeyness, etc. It was all coming from a deep rooted sense of having to prove myself, because I still fear(ed) I’m not enough and not worthy of love.

If I hadn’t had the stillness of not engaging in my vices I wouldn’t have heard the weeping of my soul and felt the pain of the wound. I’ve had help through this process and I’m grateful for that help, I haven’t done it alone, both in seeing it and healing it. But I’ve been present and have listened to the pain. I have been seeking validation to prove a deep rooted weeping fear, “I’m not good enough”

It’s one of the reasons why I might’ve started a goal group centered around goals?! Maybe if I achieve lots of things people will like me, admire me, love me and won’t leave me?!

Im sharing this with you because I believe this is something we will be implementing in AXEN, removing our vices in a conscious way, because I continue to repeat the quote by the famous psychoanalyst Carl Gustav Jung;
“Until you make the unconscious conscious it will run your life and you will call it fate”

I hesitate to share this post because even though I practice being very open, I actively shed shame and practice radically honest, this is a level of nakedness that makes me feel almost too vulnerable, because I feel too naked with these personal parts out in the open. I also trust that I’ll be good once it’s written and shared and that it’ll help me to an even greater extent this way.

I remember New Years Eve I spent on the beach this year during a drum circle and right around midnight I let loose some Chinese lanterns (you know the paper lanterns that you light a candle and fly) with Morgan Field​​, Tracy Crouthamel​​, Faith Sullivan​​ and CJ Ramos​​. What I wrote on my New Year’s resolution Chinese lantern was that I wanted to be able to receive love. It’s obvious now I didn’t just mean from others, I meant from myself too.

I am so lucky to have a ton of people that love me, but I have always run from it and felt inadequate in receiving love — so when I wrote “to be willing to receive love” as my New Years resolution on the Chinese Lantern, I was surprised with what I found in the end.

This need for validation to prove myself had kept me from accepting myself as I am, I needed to be better to be worthwhile.

I’ve done some work after coming up with this realization, I don’t want you to thinks I just simply noticed it, instantaneously figured it out and everything has fallen into place, I’m still working on it, but it already feels way better. I’ve done work in the form of art, in the form of intimate conversations, in the form of writing (like this writing), in the form of introspection/reflection and in the form of therapy (Dr Siegel who helped me with this portion, will be doing a FREE presentation on his therapy methods for all AXENites, you’re in for a real awesome experience).

It’s been tough and I’ve cried more in the last few weeks than I have in the last few years. Metamorphosis is the shedding of the old for the birth of the new, it’s catharsis.

I feel different and I know I already loved myself in the form of “self-love regardless of outcome”, meaning if I have a million dollars, I have many accomplishments, six-pack abs or I fail and I’m homeless and I’m just a loser, I love myself no matter what my circumstances. That’s “self-love regardless of outcome”.

The type of self love I didn’t have and that I’m building now, is the “living lovingly form of self-love”. It’s not doing the destructive behaviors that cause me to use the vices of escapism. It’s establishing healthier behaviors that build relationships instead of tear them down, it’s being present to my feelings and having the self love to be vulneratble and feel whatever comes up and meet it with consciousness instead of the habits of vices.

I’ve learned so much I just wanted to share and invite all AXENites to try this themselves in the future for their personal vices of escapism and to light a Chinese Lantern with a resolution and see what rises.

See you on the Mountain Top,

Ivan Dynamo De Jesus​​
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