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Axen Ft. Lauderdale Message Board › Powerlessness

Powerlessness

Dynamo
user 19537791
Group Organizer
Miami, FL
Hi AXENites,

I was raised by my mom, my mom was both my mom & dad, fulfilling both roles for the majority of my life.

But this post is about my other parent, my father.

I had a big breakthrough this week in terms of realizing a big part of my personal learned helplessness was that when my father was alive I felt powerless against his tendency to be avoidant and leave — my parents got divorced when I was 2 and then he was murdered in Puerto Rico when I was 11. I realized that I wanted to have my dad in my life, but didn’t know how to keep him around. I didn’t know how to keep him coming to take me out occasionally when I was a kid and I sure as hell didn’t know how to prevent him from being killed.

I’ve healed a lot of that and this post isn’t meant to be sad, it’s a post of gratitude and the alchemy of transformation.

When I was younger I learned that regardless how much I want something, like connecting with my dad, I can’t control the outcome. I think that’s why I started this goal achievement group, because of that sense of powerlessness, that same pattern and theme of helplessness with my dad carried over to so many areas of my life, I think it’s what led to my depression in my young adult life. My primary problem was wanting something so bad and not knowing how to make it happen. I felt like I would always be deficient in my ability to make things happen for myself. It showed up in so many ways, it colored my life with the same theme of powerlessness. Ruining relationships and my ability to actually achieve my desires.

I had a breakthrough recently, I had a situation that has frustrated me for sometime now and I was able to affect it differently than what was previously possible. That situation had many aspects that reminded me of my helplessness with my dad and it helped me to see that maybe little me wasn’t capable of affecting things or letting them go, but adult me can do both of those things. The me of today has the skills, commitment and the determination to affect change and the wisdom to let things go and accept when that is necessary. I’ve spent years reading books, taking workshops, watching videos, teaching concepts, attending conferences, pursuing growth and guidance in all avenues; financially, relationally, psychologically, spiritually, romantically, health & fitness, etc.

It was a great feeling to interact with someone who triggered my dad’s abandonment and be able to reconcile that feeling by using my skill set to be able to tend to my needs and theirs and realize that I’m not powerless after all. I’m able to affect change and am able to let things go and evolve internally in ways I wasn’t able to as a child.

I now see that the gift of my dad not being around was really that of me finding the power within me. It’s what I’ve made out of that situation because I’ve responded to that feeling of powerlessness, powerfully.

I’m proud of myself and the man I’ve made of myself and recently realized that we can take anything and make something beautiful out of it.

Where do you feel powerless and what will you do with it?

See you on the Mountaintop,

Dynamo
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