So there He was, in the middle of the desert, telling this poor Jewish chap about His wondrous creation in simple baby-talk while they were in the middle of a countryside full of animals that were thinking along the lines of: -
“I am Hungry. Aha! A man. Lunch!”
And I’m pretty sure the man was thinking along the lines of: -
“Holy Shit - God’s talking to me! He says I’ve got to write this down? I wish He’d talk slower. How do I spell Genesis? I hope He doesn’t get angry. What the fuck will the wife say when I get home late again? She’s not going to believe this one. I hope She doesn’t get angry. Is that a lion over there?”
So it’s not surprising the poor sod maybe got the order of creation wrong or missed the bit where God described His fascination for creating beetles.
Genesis may not be as accurate as we’d like, but it sets the feel for how rigorous the rest of the Bible, or at least the Old Testament, is going to be. Imagine trying to describe the Highway Code to a South American pygmy from four thousand years ago. The principles of what these chapters describe is still The Truth, it’s just that God wasn’t too fussed with accuracy. So if you ask of Him the question: “Dear Lord, our Holy Book of Genesis seems to be a little confusing.” He’ll mostly likely answer along the lines of a sultry: “Whatever.”
So along comes an unbeliever, one of you lot perhaps, and he says: “Aha! What about the age of the universe then! We have scientific evidence from several different sources indicating that the universe is thirteen point seven billion years old.”
Well, the true believer’s answer is simple. “Guess who put that evidence there!” At this point the conversation will bounce back and forth getting louder and louder until eventually it morphs into fisticuffs. Here again the truly faithful, who on balance are less intellectual and more physical, tend to have the advantage over the more ‘learned’ and usually less muscular doubters of the True Faith. As we’ve often said from ancient times: ‘Might is Right.’ and ‘Smiting trumps Writing’. Whoever said that ‘The pen is mightier than the sword’ wasn’t standing six feet from a steaming great Knight of the Crusades after he’s just been told that his seven year killing spree in the the Holy Land was a complete and stupid waste of time.
Of course at our research facility we have discussed at length, and in depth, the reason why God put misleading evidence all over the place. The answer is very simple: He hates authority - e.g. scientists. This is further proof that God is probably still living with His Mum. I know I was rebellious when living with my mum - why should God be any different? By making light appear to have travelled from billions of light years away, He’s simply messing with their minds. This may be the light that Genesis refers to before the invention of the Sun and the Moon.
Have you noticed that whenever scientists discover something, they simply uncover yet more questions that need answering? God must be giggling at that. True Believers have already reached the end of their search for Truth.
This would also account for His creation of fossils in the ground too. Together with other ‘evidence’, they would be something to keep those know-it-all busybodies busy. Meanwhile we can get on with our true work of praising Him every Sunday (or five times a day or so) so that He doesn’t get mad at us and do something stupid. Remember, He demands it of us.
Does His attitude sound a little juvenile to you? If not a tad psychotic? It does to us too. Yet more evidence He hasn’t flown His nest yet. It’s a pity we can’t contact His mum and plead for mercy, but then again, we’re not sure of the consequences when She finds out what He has been up to in His bedroom. It’s possible our universe is hidden away in the box beside His stash of weed, or Holy Shit as He probably calls it, along with the rest of His Holy Crap.
As for Tectonic Plate Theory, well that actually might be true. One can imagine God creating Earth with a single large landmass, putting the animals on it and then deciding that one land mass looked wrong. So he pulled it apart and some of the animals and fossils got carried along. It’s quite logical really.
“Well what about evolution and genetics then!” you may well ask. Again, the truly faithful know the answer. Evolution may certainly be acting upon species now. After all, God created them and there’s no reason why their genetics can’t be self adapting to their environment, after all, on balance, God is pretty clever.
Genetics actually proves the existence of God. When he’s got several million species to create what better way to make them than to design a few basic, workable strands of DNA and then simply copy and paste the same instructions over and over again into new animals, but changing little bits each time. That is why so much DNA looks so similar across different species and why there seems to be an ‘evolutionary tree’. Its simply evidence that He copied and pasted from earlier animals.
This also explains why there are so many species of beetles. He simply loved the way the beetle DNA fell into place. He was able to produce so many beautiful variations on the same theme. We think that beetle designs may have happened as God started to feel a little dozy. You know the feeling, when you get a little sidetracked and you start doing stuff over and over again before snapping out of it and continue doing the work you’re supposed to be doing. Perhaps beetles were designed during that period in the mid-meta-afternoon when a God starts to feel a little drowsy.
It also explains why humans have an appendix and why men have nipples. If God is rattling off species like crazy in only a short space of time then He will surely skip a few steps here and there and fail to ‘tidy’ up bits of DNA as he goes along. We wouldn’t call it slipshod work, or lazy; not to His face certainly. And of course if His mum is pestering Him to tidy His bedroom at the same time, well it's not surprising we end up with a few genetic variations that perhaps would have been a little better had He paid a little more attention at the time.
On balance we think He could have designed us a little more intelligently if He hadn’t been so rushed. For this reason we are a little reluctant about the using phrase ‘Intelligent Design’, we prefer the phrase ‘Quickly Cobbled’.
Do you see how all this dovetails together nicely? We at the research facility are certainly earning our salaries when it comes to real scientific research - not that awful physics stuff universities waste their money on. It just takes Faith.
Until next time,
Praise The Lord!
The Right Dick Ed.
May God go with you.
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