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cute take on bible

From: Tim C.
Sent on: Tuesday, October 9, 2012 7:31 PM
 
 

From: [address removed]
Sent: 10/9/2012 5:55:57 P.M. Eastern Daylight Time
Subj: Pretty much my take on it, too
 

IF YOU KNOW THE BIBLE

EVEN A LITTLE, YOU'LL FIND THIS HILARIOUS! IT COMES FROM A CATHOLIC

ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEST.

 

KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS. THE FOLLOWING

25 STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN. THEY HAVE NOT BEEN

RETOUCHED OR CORRECTED. INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT IN.

 

 

1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING

THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.

 

2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF

ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.

 

3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE

DURING THE NIGHT.

 

4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE

WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.

 

5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE

DELILAH.

 

6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.

 

7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED

BREAD,WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.

 

8. THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP

TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS.

 

9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.

 

10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.

 

11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN

THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.

 

12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND

STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.

 

13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT

THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.

 

14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.

 

15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.

 

16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN

THE MANAGER.

 

17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.

 

18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.

 

19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE

THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.

 

20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE

TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.

 

21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.

 

22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.

 

23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.

 

24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY, WHICH IS

ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.

 

25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.


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