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Single Parents - Divorced Adults Group Message Board › Dang it! Again?

Dang it! Again?

Laura
user 6540411
Group Organizer
Madison, WI
Post #: 166
Jose, I'd strongly encourage you to use this group as your support network. This group is made up of 400+ warm, friendly, supportive, caring individuals who understand what you are going through like no one else can. I believe you will find comfort in simply being around others who know what it's like to have a bad day, and can possibly even give you a laugh or two. Over time, little by little, you will find yourself laughing more and crying less. Hang out with us! It'll make you feel better, guaranteed.

I'm very sorry for the pain you are feeling. If there is anything I can do, please let me know.

Rick
RickThePerson
Madison, WI
Post #: 18
Jose, I second Laura's comment. You will find a lot of good people here who have unfortunately gone through very similar experiences. I can tell you a couple of things.

1) The emotional pain you are going through will get better over time, but it probably won't until after the divorce.

2) Look after #1. Your STB-ex is treating you with less respect and common decency than an average stranger would. Your future (time with the kids, financial stability, etc.) depends on the actions you take now, so you must make the right choices for you. This doesn't mean you need an expensive pit-bull lawyer, especially if you can work together with respect to the kids, but it does mean you have to know your rights. The state code regarding divorce is not that long or complicated, so it is worth reading.

3) Watch your finances, especially if the other guy is in a bad situation. Your STB-ex could be giving that guy money without you knowing.

4) Think back to the time before you were with her and focus on the things you enjoyed doing, especially if you haven't been able to do them in some time. Start doing them again, and you can regain your sense of identity and enjoyment from life.
Amy
AmyRenewed
Madison, WI
Post #: 6
4) Think back to the time before you were with her and focus on the things you enjoyed doing, especially if you haven't been able to do them in some time. Start doing them again, and you can regain your sense of identity and enjoyment from life.
I'm trying to stay very positive on all of this, since I'm the one pushing for a divorce, but I have to ask about this one. I was such a different person then- in college, naive, etc. I was involved in things through school, options I don't have anymore, or at least not in a reasonable price range. I barely remember that girl, how do I find her again?
A former member
Post #: 56
There is so much good feedback here. About the only thing I can add (pardon me if it's already been mentioned) is this:

ALWAYS TAKE THE HIGH ROAD! You will never regret it.
A former member
Post #: 8
Jose-remember thanksgiving at OC's? That was the first time I felt like I had a group of people I could talk to and feel comfortable with, because we all had something, however sad, in common. We did a great job of balancing talking about our issues and getting to know each other.

That night I learned that it is important to take advantage of offers from others in your situation to meet, talk, or have fun. Some of us are in almost the same place as you in this journey ("commiserators") and others are farther ahead (advisers). You're asking for help and we are here. So please feel free to talk to me as well. Its not just a one-way street - by taking up our offers, you do us a favor and allow us to help you, as others have helped us.

Sometimes our friends and relatives just can't handle our sadness and stress. But some of us who are in the same boat can - don't be afraid to take us up on it.
A former member
Post #: 35
4) Think back to the time before you were with her and focus on the things you enjoyed doing, especially if you haven't been able to do them in some time. Start doing them again, and you can regain your sense of identity and enjoyment from life.
I'm trying to stay very positive on all of this, since I'm the one pushing for a divorce, but I have to ask about this one. I was such a different person then- in college, naive, etc. I was involved in things through school, options I don't have anymore, or at least not in a reasonable price range. I barely remember that girl, how do I find her again?


Amy, I hear you on that. Maybe you say good-bye to that girl, rather than try to find her again. Remember her fondly, of course, but say bye and move on toward the girl/woman you want to become. Find something you enjoy doing and do it. Try new things or things you never got the chance to do. There was this quote I read a while back that really strikes a cord with me...

“Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward.” -C.S. Lewis

I say, reach for that next monkey bar and move on to something new!

Jose
JoseNieves
Madison, WI
Post #: 14
On the 20th we had a couples therapist session and discussed two "ground rules" which the therapist felt were completely reasonable.

1. My wife's "new boyfriend" (a man 7 years younger who is currently married and has 2 kids) is NOT to set foot in my house. This is not only because of the fact that it makes me feel like shit but because there is NO reason why my kids should meet this man, which my wife has know for all of 1 month..

2. My kids are not to meet this man while we are going through the divorce (paperwork been somewhat started)

According to my wife, she "begrudgingly" accepted them. Just to make sure, I had a quick discussion with her the next day and reminded her what the rules were. According to her, I am trying to control her and setting up ridiculous "demands". Mind you, this is the same person that assured me that she has never ever loved me (been with her for 16 years) and the same person that told me that she married me 11 years ago because she didn't want to "throw away" the 5 years we dated and the same person that gave me 2 wonderful boys and the same person that told me that since she is going down a "new path" and this person was placed in her path, then she has NO regrets whatsoever (not even sleeping with a guy she met at a convention about a month and a half ago).

I left early on the 23rd (Friday) to go "back home" for 10 days and guess who came over to my house for "lunch" that same Friday and gave my wife a nice hickie to remember him by?

Anyone's insight on what is going on with my STB-ex is welcomed. Am I wrong in feeling angry about this? Am I trying to control her? Let me also point out that my STB-ex and her "new boyfriend" LOVE to email and IM chat each other using work resources during work hours and discuss all sorts of "things" (yeps, those kinds of "things") I've thought long and hard and decided, for now, not to contact his wife since I don't have any desire to hurt her (for all I know, she's aware and is ok with it or feels like she shouldn't contact me because she doesn't want to hurt me). Is it wrong of me to want to lash out by contacting their employer? Did I mention the 50+ pages of IM chats that I have?

The trip back home allowed me to have LOADS of conversation with my family and begin the process of healing. I am still dealing with a LOT of confusion, resentment, anger, etc.

Soooooo.. Anyone else have as wonderful a vacation as me? Any advice is more than welcomed..
Laura
user 6540411
Group Organizer
Madison, WI
Post #: 168
Jose, of course you are right to be angry. Your wife is being extremely selfish and her behavior is immature, to say the last. Her assertion that you are trying to "control" her is ridiculous. You are protecting your children. Please do not ever let her try to convince you otherwise. She's just using that as a lame excuse to get what she wants, which is short-term physical and emotional gratification for herself.

There is no way your kids should have contact with this or any other guy. They have (or will have) enough to deal with as it is, and their mother's attention and energy should be focused on them and not on some guy who will more than likely end up being a passing fling. It really infuriates me when parents put their own needs ahead of those of their children. Grrr. In general, if you emphasize with her that the ground rules are there to protect the children, and forego mentioning how much her behavior hurts you, she will not have a leg to stand on.

Also, as tempting as it is to reach out to the guy's wife or their employer to try to trash them, I would try to avoid that. Their behavior will come back to bite them eventually. Maybe not in the workplace, but unless they are breaking the law in some way, I'm not sure anything will be gained.

Take the high road and do what's best for the children, even if it hurts you to do so (for example, don't say negative things to them about their mother). You will never regret that.

I'm sorry, Jose, I know this is tough. It *will* get better eventually.
Rick
RickThePerson
Madison, WI
Post #: 19
Don't contact either of their employers. If they loose their jobs, it will only wind up costing you money.

Laura is right that your STB-ex is extremely selfish. If she tries to pull that control garbage on you again, throw it back in her face by saying something like 'At least one of us needs to put our children's well-being first.' Be blunt, without being nasty and you will hopefully be able to get her to act reasonably.

If that doesn't work, you could try as a last resort suggesting that you will talk to the other guy's wife. Just say "I should talk to xxx to see how she is handling this situation." It's a nuclear option, but your kids' well-being is at stake.


Laura is also correct about not saying negative things to them about their mother. Doing so can not only hurt the kids, it can really hurt you in the divorce proceedings.
A former member
Post #: 2
Jose' my heart goes out to you man. I am only a few weeks out of my wife's infidelity and I feel all the pain you're talking about. The obsession with knowing what she's doing and whether she still is seeing him, is she lying to me, doesn't she love me, should I leave, should I kick her out, what will it do to the kids, all of these things are valid but just add to the fog. I have learned quickly that it is better for everyone involved to separate myself from her infidelity. Whatever that means for you. For me it meant forcing her to be honest with me and whoever else was being affected by her actions. Then I told her to go live with her mother for a few weeks while I sorted things out. This actually allowed her to spend more time with her new friend. My obsession got worse and the pain so intense that I had to come to understand that I needed to deal with my codependent nature. It also gave me the strength to say it's over. I want someone in my life who can help me and accept my help to become better people, not to play games that hurt and spiral into very sick shit. Don't need it and won't accept it. A great new strength comes from this. Believe me it is worth it. 27years of dysfunction vs 2 1/2 weeks of clearer thinking and I already know where I have to go and what I can never again allow myself to take. Good luck my friend, feel free to e-mail me and maybe get together to talk. We can all get through this shit together. Cal
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