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Single Parents - Divorced Adults Group Message Board › Moving kids to another state - help!

Moving kids to another state - help!

A former member
Post #: 26
Hey guys, really need your advice...
I have a friend who lives in MN and wants to move his 6 yr old daughter here. Ex is ok with it but older 1/2 sisters are laying on the guilt trip. I came into this as a friend and wanted to introduce her to my daughter because she is a nanny and could be a back-up sitter, but it got relayed to ex that I am something more and now everyone including him is freaking out.

Question 1 - does anyone else but me think that it helps to have friends that can give you ideas on where to go and a built in group of friends to support you (pretty much the reason for the existence of this group) and that there is nothing wrong with introducing your kids to new people as long as there isn't anything threatening or inappropriate about the relationship\behavior around them?

Question 2 - has anyone EVER had a kid tell you "sure, go have fun with someone else, I'll be fine"? cuz I've been divorced for 12 years and it didn't matter if my kids were 5 or 15 they were 100% selfish about wanting my time and feeling entitled to it. (I had 50/50 placement and some of the time they expected was on the weeks they were at their dads, and I often did stuff for\with with them when it wasn't my week)

My experience is that I was seeing someone for 7 years and my kids knew him well and respected him. I was doing contract work and basically living out of my basement for 2 1/2 years (anyone who knows me won't believe I could go that long without having anyone to talk to!) and obviously I needed to get out of the house at night once in awhile to socialize. So we would try to plan our night out around the kids schedule, but sometimes their plans would change, and they would actually expect me to change my plans to accomodate them every single time. (They were 14 and 17) Many times we would partially, at least to the point of making them dinner, etc, but I had more times where I would make a huge nice dinner, be there waiting with food on the table and they would ditch me repeatly when they had plans change and didn't even think about it twice, and maybe call to let me know before the food was cold.

So I guess my take-away from that is that I realized I had to take care of myself before I was mentally capable of taking care of them. So sometimes I had to put myself first and I don't believe that there is any magic number in how long you have been separated from someone that will make your kids say they are good with you having a life that might include time spent with other adults that doesn't include them.

I think I have a right to a personal life and to decide who I allow into my personal life and I am still pushing back on my 20 year old daughter who is in college and living with me and thinks I am still supposed to drop everything and wait on her while shes here(not happening in case anyone thinks they need to give me advice on that one!).

So I am sending my friend a link to this and hopefully you can offer support and the benefit of your experiences cuz I know you all have been through alot....

thanks guys... oh and I sent him a link to Cathy P's awesome July 4th party so he already knows how great this group is!
A former member
Post #: 169
Well, aren't we doing great with all our responses so far?! Don't really know what to add as it sounds like you have said it all. I am still waiting for them to start ditching me! I say, once they start to assert their independence and make it clear you are a convenience, that is the point at which your relationship begins turning from parent/child to friendship. Having not done it yet, I could just be talking out my butt! It sounds very simple, but I am sure it is not easy. If the move is what is best for him, then it is probably what would be best for the kids too. Unhappy parents are not as effective. If the kids have no valid reasons for staying (which wanting to be in close proximity to their mother or not have their father leave them is probably pretty valid reasons in my book), then giving them their way probably isn't a service as life does not work that way. You didn't mention how old the sisters are - which could also weigh heavily into a decision like this.
A former member
Post #: 32
Thanks.... I guess there isn't really a right answer, it will depend on each situation but I was curious to hear others opinions. The sisters are 16 and 20, and both busy with their own lives as well.
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