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THE SPIRITUAL EXCHANGE (Dorset) Message Board › Relationships - Is this a More Spiritual Way of Loving?

Relationships - Is this a More Spiritual Way of Loving?

Dave H.
user 8888539
Bournemouth, GB
Post #: 220
Ian promises we may discuss Relationships at a future meeting so here are a few controversial thoughts about polyamory as an alternative way of loving.
I already posted something similar here as part of another thread with Howard and Nick.
So I'm rejigging it with some contributory additions from Nick........

OK folks this is Dave with his wooden spoon stirring up things ..... with a hope for a new world?

These days we hear an awful lot about love – deep unconditional love one is supposed to feel for all.

It got me thinking how it is unlike the love experienced between most couples, mainly because sex gets in the way and the whole thing becomes conditional.

”I will love you on condition that you are 'faithful' to me” – in other words “I want ownership of you”.

A true and honest relationship would impose no conditions, especially ones which infer exclusive "possession" of another.

I've always liked the concept between couples of "I want for you, what you want for you"

So if one's partner wants to bungi jump, join a psychic circle or have sex with a friend - all should be OK because love is allowing another to be themselves - totally.
And because you love them you give them perfect freedom to fulfil their dreams - whatever they are. If you still figure in those dreams - life is wonderful. If not - then who are you to deny another their quest and its fulfilment?

On my wall at home I used to have an old hippie verse:
“I do my thing and you do your thing.
I am not in this world to live up to your expectations
And you are not in this world to live up to mine.
I am I and You are You.
But if we find each other - it's beautiful”.

However much we are aware that unconditional love is the ideal state, the vast majority of us are programmed by our parents and environment to place conditions on everything we do.

I believe this is fuelled by those three ugly sisters, Envy, Jealousy and Insecurity.

I wonder if, in this new age of paradigm change people talk about, we could consider different ways of loving which are not necessarily monogamous.

I can't pretend I have tried polyamory – I admit to being more of what is known as a 'cheater', probably because I have been unable to find partners willing to consider loving more than one person.

But I'd like to know whether others think there may be a more compassionate approach to relationships than the kind of serial monogamy – hitch ups and break ups – which seems to be our society norm.

Meanwhile here's a link to put the cat among the pigeons for discussion and to define for you what 'poly' is all about:
http://polypagan.trip...­
And a nicely made Australian documentary
http://www.youtube.co...­
Lorna
user 100470512
Ringwood, GB
Post #: 1
Thanks for starting this discussion Dave. I'd like to add that Polyamory is not 'I shag who I like & do what I want with whomever I like & if you love me you have to put up with it' because that would not be loving or respectful to your partners, or ultimately to yourself.
A former member
Post #: 19
There is a lot I could say about this subject, even a lot I would like to say ... but I won't. Among a couple of close friends, maybe, but in an open forum - nah. Sorry, count me out on this one.
Dave H.
user 8888539
Bournemouth, GB
Post #: 222
Are you saying you wouldn't talk about relationships in our fortnightly meeting David or you won't discuss polyamory?
It's a great pity if there are subjects that are taboo in a group such as ours IMHO.
A former member
Post #: 20
No, I'm saying that I can't imagine being part of a discussion on relationships without relating personal (often painful) experiences. To do so, I can only present it from my point of view which may not be fair to the other person involved.

It isn't to do with taboo (nice rhyme, eh?), it is to do with respecting someone else's privacy. Of course, when a couple of friends get together, we often discuss our ex-partners but that too is a private conversation, not a public debate.
Dave H.
user 8888539
Bournemouth, GB
Post #: 225
Thanks David.
Not wishing to be pedantic but surely there are many subjects one can discuss without revealing personal details one wishes to be kept private - surely one can have a general view of something like marriage or divorce in the same way that we can discuss subjects we have no experience of?
I can discuss cannibalism without eating anybody biggrin

And as for fairness or respect for another's privacy on a public forum...how can it then be fair to reveal the secrets to friends who are more likely to actually know the person talked about?

I do remember in the early meetings of this group that some people did share a lot of personal stuff and it was all quite moving and seemed to unite us in common empathy.
I remember one current member telling us how she ended her marriage after some kind of abuse from her husband - so I guess some people can feel they can talk openly.

But everybody to their own - it's a pity this group doesn't have a vote system on whether a subject for discussion would be suitable.

Maybe Ian - who also has shared a lot of private relationship stuff in his book The Gift - may like to send a round robin to get some sort of idea of this topic is possible.....
Lorna
user 100470512
Ringwood, GB
Post #: 2
Dave H asked me to expand my comment.

At the heart of Polyamory is the philosophy of love & respect for yourself, your partners, lovers & friends. As regards sex or friendship: why would you lie & sneak around behind the back of someone you love & respect; why would you impose impossible restrictions on them; how would that be loving & respecting of yourself?


Lorna
user 100470512
Ringwood, GB
Post #: 3
More info on Polyamory here: http://www.polyamory....­


A former member
Post #: 21
Thanks David.

And as for fairness or respect for another's privacy on a public forum...how can it then be fair to reveal the secrets to friends who are more likely to actually know the person talked about?
I will discuss this in a compact group of 2 or 3 others but not in a big group. Suffice to say that I have endured some pretty judgemental reactions in the past and do not want to be exposed to that again if I can avoid it. Other than that, please go ahead with your open discussion with my best wishes and understand that I might give that meeting a miss.
Nick W.
user 110631062
Bournemouth, GB
Post #: 3
I feel I too would have to think long and hard as to whether I would wish to join in a public discussion on this subject and, like David, would probably not want to. Why? because I would find it virtually impossible not to draw on personal experience and be totally objective. Even if I could be, the matter has made such a powerful impact on my life that were I to offer a contribution it would probably be spoilt by emotion. Frankly Dave, I find your point about the cannibalism not just pedantic but irrelevant (and that's being polite). Lorna made a very good comment, short and to point. The most important thing in a loving partnership is exactly that, love and respect. A partnership where sex with another can be openly discussed and agreed on is all very well, but what happens when love with that other gets in the way........
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