Don’t Sabotage Relationships

“Don’t Sabotage Relationships” — this applies to romantic, family, and close partnerships:

Core idea:
Relationship sabotage isn’t about being “bad at love.” It’s about protecting yourself from old pain by unconsciously creating distance, conflict, or exit strategies.

How people sabotage relationships:
• Pulling away when things get close (fear of intimacy, vulnerability)
• Picking fights or criticizing to regain control or create emotional space
• Shutting down or going numb instead of expressing needs
• Over-giving, people-pleasing, then resenting
• Choosing emotionally unavailable partners to avoid real risk
• Testing partners instead of trusting them
• Leaving before being left

Why it happens:
• Early attachment wounds taught the nervous system that closeness = danger
• Past betrayals created hyper-vigilance
• Love triggers old survival patterns, not logic

What actually helps:
• Name the pattern (“I’m pulling away because I feel unsafe”)
• Slow the nervous system, not the partner
• Communicate needs early, before resentment builds
• Practice repair, not perfection
• Let consistency rebuild trust over time

Bottom line:
Healthy love isn’t dramatic or anxiety-driven — it feels steady, safe, and sometimes unfamiliar. If calm feels boring, your nervous system may be mistaking peace for danger.