What can you do when your friend group becomes toxic? If you’re Marissa Meizz, it’s simple: launch a massive friendship movement. When a video about her friends’ plot to exclude her from their plans went viral on TikTok, Marissa Meizz used an unpleasant experience to find healthier friendships and help others do the same. She created No More Lonely Friends and hosted socializing pop-ups around the country to bring people together. Hear Marissa’s advice for meeting new friends and ending unhealthy relationships before they do permanent damage.
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Episode 22: The Global Friendship Movement
Welcome to the show. We are talking to Marissa Meizz, who has had a life-transformational event that’s brought her to her life purpose. She is now the Founder of No More Lonely Friends. If you are not one of the tens of millions of people who have seen the video about her on TikTok, then you are going to know a story that is absolutely insane.
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Marissa Meizz, welcome.
How are you?
I am really good and even better because now we are talking. Marissa Meizz is an out of nowhere TikTok sensation. There are lots of sensations that are out there that are fly-by-night type people, but you’re not going to be a fly-by-night person because you’ve created something that will continue your focus in terms of the community around No More Lonely Friends. I want to talk about how you had that incredible experience on New York Times articles and BuzzFeed. Tell us the story of what happened with Drew‘s posts and what happened next? Don’t leave out the details and we’ll go from there.
I was doing my daily life as I do in New York City. I was on a road trip over the weekend and I get back on Sunday night. Monday morning, I wake up. I was doing my daily whatever. I go to dinner with one of my friends. I’m sitting at dinner and my phone starts ringing off the hook. I’m getting text messages, DMs, Snapchat chats and people sending me the same exact link over and over again. I was like, “What is this?” Maybe it’s people always sending me funny videos that they think are like, “This is so you.”
People are now sending me this link saying, “Is this you?” I was like, “What’s going on?” People probably think of some random video. My aunt texts me. My aunt and I don’t talk all the time, so I was like, “Why is she sending me this link? This is weird.” I clicked on the link, and all the caption says, “If your name is Marissa, New York City.” I was like, “Someone videoed me doing something stupid. I’m going to go viral. It’s going to be bad.” I was so nervous about that.
I clicked and watched Drew’s original video, which he said, “If your name is Marissa New York City, I walked by your friends.” They weren’t talking very nice about me and they’re planning something on a weekend that I would be out of town so that they wouldn’t have to invite me in the end. From there, I responded and commented on the video. I was like, “I think this is me.”
That video also went viral. Drew, the guy who originally posted the video, reached back out to me and was like, “Is this you? What’s going on?” We talked details, and in the end, we met up and we talked about it and we made videos and stuff. From there overnight, I gained about 100,000 followers in less than twelve hours. It popped off from there. That was the original on how it all started between Drew and me.
A blessing in disguise?
One hundred percent, for sure.
Tell us why it was a blessing.
Before with the friend group that I was a part of that this was all about, it was one of those friend groups that if they needed you, you would have to be there or they would be upset, but if you needed them, they wouldn’t be there for you. I needed a way out. I needed a friend breakup. I don’t know how to do that, and not that viral video is the way to do it. It was my wake-up moment of like, “Now that the whole world knows, I can’t go back.” This was a wake-up call to make me realize how those friends were and also, I needed better and more supportive people in my life.
You knew it beforehand. Were you actively thinking, “These people aren’t good for me, I shouldn’t be hanging out with them,” or is this only in retrospect you realizing that?
If all your friends do is talk poorly about their other friends, what do you think they’re doing when you’re not around?
I did realize it before, but it wasn’t like they were beating me down every second. There were a lot of moments that I was like, “This is not what friends do. This is awful.” A big thing that people always ask me about for friendship advice or whatever is if you’re hanging out with someone, and all they do is talk poorly about their other friends. What do you think they’re doing when you’re not there? They’re talking poorly about you. I stand by that if I’m going to sit around and listen to them and talk poorly about all the other girls in the group. I’m like, “I know you do this when I’m not here.” One time, they did it to my face and I was like, “This is awful,” then a few weeks later is when the video went viral.
If someone wanted to break up with a friend, which is probably easier than an entire friend group and incredibly intimidating to do, what advice would you give them in terms of both directly with a friend and with an entire group, which is so much more complicated?
There are two ways to go about it, distancing yourself from the people that you’re trying to “break up with” is a big thing. If people start calling you out on it, it gets to the point that sometimes people won’t accept it and you’re going to have that “bad blood” that people they’re like, “You burned the bridge.” If I was to go to someone I was dating and I said, “This isn’t working out. I think I need to do something else. It’s a new path. I’m going a different way of life.” The person you’re dating is like, “It’s a breakup,” but your friends are like, “I don’t get it. We can’t be friends.”
It’s the same thing as dating. You’re around these people all the time, constantly surrounded by them, and a part of their group or their life. That’s the same as a significant other. A big part of it is breaking up. They don’t understand that you’re not in a relationship with them, but you are. You’re a part of their life. It’s a part of the things that you have to do in the end is say like, “It’s not working out. I think that this isn’t for me. I have to go a different way or path. I see myself not growing with you.” It’s weird to say to a friend and I feel friends are more significantly put into your choices and actions in life than anyone else.
I don’t think people draw enough for the comparisons between a relationship and friends. You don’t go to someone in a relationship, at least you shouldn’t, and you shouldn’t go to people and friends. You have direct conversations with people when you’re in a relationship if something’s not working or needs to change, but people are reluctant to do that with friends because it could then add this tension later on, this challenge, or you could do it in the wrong way.
The reality is that a lot of the principles that work for relationships certainly work as well, if not, maybe even better for friends. That’s the key message that people probably don’t realize. Let’s get back to the video a little bit. Why did this video, half the life that it did so quickly? Is it because everyone sees themselves as a little bit humorous or has that fear that their friends could feel similar ways? Why did it resonate the way it did?
There are two things. One, people thought it was staged. I still think that’s crazy. I genuinely didn’t even think about how someone could think it was staged. I didn’t even think about that. I’ve talked to people that worked at TikTok and in marketing. Drew had 30 followers when he posted this video. I could talk about it for hours. I don’t understand the TikTok algorithm and how things go viral like this. Then there’s that couch guy thing that is trending on TikTok. It was a guy that got surprised by his girlfriend. Now it has 60 million views and people are recreating this video.
Every day I got tagged in things that were like, “Marissa, this person needs new friends. I hate to tell you this.” When people saw this video that Drew posted, it was the first time that people saw the whole like, “If someone is seeing this, we need to find this person thing.” That’s where a lot of this was new to people was like, “We need to find this person.” People in comments are like, “Find Marissa.”
Ninety-nine percent of messages that I get are like, “I went through this. I went through this several years ago. I went through this in college. I’m 65 and I go through this.” Every single person in their life has either gone through this, still going through it or going to experience it in some way. That’s why every single person related to it so hard when they saw the video, were like, “If this isn’t me.”
I think that’s why everyone was so invested in it because everyone was like, “Let’s find these friends and do something about it.” I was like, “Hold on. Pause.” I think that’s how this blew up. He said he posted it and within five minutes, it had 100,000 views. He was like, “I don’t understand how this got on this side of TikTok but it got to the right people.”
Some of his 30 friends must be very influential in some way or connected, but it’s clearly struck this chord of both people who have experienced themselves or have a fear that it’s happening to them. A lot of times, that fear is true because people build friendships for a wide variety of different reasons. Especially in a group, you could have a couple of people that are friends with a couple of people, but there are these group dynamics that exist, which can be very unhealthy. In your group, was it that there was 1 or 2 of the people that were particularly toxic and that negatively influenced everyone? How did the dynamics turn as toxic as they did, and do you see that happening in a lot of group dynamics out there?
When there’s this queen bee status in a friend group, that’s when things get messy, when everyone’s not on the same level as each other. If I’m in a friend group and I see myself as higher than the other people in the friend group, that’s the end. If that person thinks of themselves as higher and not everyone else thinks that way, then people are like, “We see you as the group leader because you’re this and that.” I’d be like, “Cool.” If I’m coming in like, “I make the plans. I do this and you guys do this,” that is not okay.
My friend group that this whole thing happened about, there were 4 or 5 of us. There were two, and that the two in the video were together. Those were the two that ran the friend group. It was like a little minion-type dynamic. It was toxic in a thing of if they asked you to do something, you would have to do it, but if you ask them to do something, they won’t do it. That’s where things get messy in friend groups when people think that way or have that hierarchy status that is not necessary.
That’s when people think of themselves as less or they don’t know how to get out of the friend group. They’re like, “There’s so much higher up than me that I can’t be on the same level as them. I’ll do anything they want.” That’s where a lot of self-confidence issues come from or friend break-ups and things don’t work out. That’s when you need to find friends that see themselves on a parallel as you and would never put themselves on a higher pedestal than you because that’s not friends. That’s a hierarchy of narcissism.
The act that ego or the lack of self-esteem plays in terms of those group dynamics. The fear of loneliness is so many people are afraid that if they lose that group, their social and personal life is going to be potentially destroyed, and who knows what could happen and how people speak about others. They subject themselves oftentimes to unhealthy behaviors and that can be worse than the short-term potential loneliness that can ensue. Let’s talk about No More Lonely Friends. I love the fact that you took this experience and turned it into a force for good. Tell us about the community, what you’ve done, and the first event that you’ve had.
It started from that video. When that video was posted, I was getting thousands of messages a day. I was so overwhelmed. I didn’t know what to do with it. Every message was like, “I had this happen to me. Let’s be friends. I live in New York, Japan and Egypt.” I don’t know what I’m doing. At the time, I worked in the film industry and I was working eighteen-hour days. I was like, “I don’t have time for this. What do I do?”
I took all those messages. I made a video and TikTok. I said, “What if we did a group hangout or picnic in Central Park or something that everyone could come out, no matter who you are and meet some people?” We’re all desperate like this. It was after the mask mandate went up in New York, everyone was like, “There’s no more mask. We’re good. We can hang out with people now. Vaccination rates were up.” I was like, “Let’s do it.” I posted that video and I was like, “If you want to come out to Central Park, bring your friend, dog and yourself. Let’s do it. I got some snacks and some drinks.”
A lot more people are accepting of our differences because life has changed over the years. The narrative has changed.
We went out to Central Park. I was expecting a few people randomly online, and about 200 people showed up. I got someone from Florida and the Caribbean. This couple drove 16 or 18 hours from Michigan. It was crazy and cool. I was absolutely shocked when everyone showed up. They’re like, “You’re the girl. This is crazy. I can’t believe it.” I was as shocked as they were. From there, I posted a video that I do as a tradition of me in front of everyone in the group. I do a little back selfie where everyone is screaming in the back.
That video went viral and everyone was like, “What is this? Why isn’t this in my city? What’s going on? What’s happening.” I made the No More Lonely Friends page, which was called Marissa’s Friend Group at that time because I didn’t know what to call it. I did a little video of what the friend group was about or the Marissa’s Friend Group was and what I was trying to get from it. In the end, I said, “All I want is no more lonely friends.” Everyone was like, “That’s it.” I instantly bought the domain. I’d got the hashtag and ad on Instagram. I was like, “No More Lonely Friends. That’s it. That’s perfect.”
After that, people are like, “Come to DC. Come to this. Come to LA.” I at the time was like, “I can go on my weekends after work and go to nearby cities.” I would go to nearby cities around New York and do these little meetups. Once I did five or so, then it spread worldwide. That’s when BuzzFeed, Drew Barrymore and all these people were on it. It went crazy after that.
Are you still working or did you leave your full-time?
I did leave my job. It’s funny because I enjoy my job. This is the coolest job I could ever have. This is all I could ever ask more.
Building this community is your full-time job now.
Yes.
What does this look like in the future? What’s the dream scenario for No More Lonely Friends and its impact on the world?
It’s crazy because what people don’t realize is this started in June 2021. First of all, for the rest of the year, every single weekend, I do two states per weekend until the end of 2021. I do them all by myself. I go to all these cities. I pay for everything like I do all my flights. It’s all paid for by me. The more states I do, the more the word gets out. The more people pick it up and talk about it. I want to do multiple cities at once, having people be brand representatives in their city. There are a lot of logistics that go behind it to make sure the brand is represented well and people are safe and everything.
A thing I wanted to do was a No More Lonely Friends Festival. I want to do it where it’s like Coachella with music and everyone has a great time, and then everyone goes with their groups. I think that No More Lonely Friends Festival would be cool where everyone’s there to meet people, hang out and be friends instead of going with their group.
I would love to use social media for a positive, good type of thing where it spreads. That’s what this was doing, but also, social media can be so upsetting, angry and dark. That’s a whole another story but this has turned people’s mindsets a little more into being like, “Let’s turn this into something good.” I don’t know where it’s going to go because I didn’t even know where it would be a couple of months ago.
I was going to do one event and they’d be like, “We did it.” Now, it’s like a whole thing where people are like, “The next few years, what’s up?” I’m going to be surprised. I want to keep doing these meetings. I want to encourage people to keep meeting people, going out, and regaining that social aspect. The biggest thing that I have a heart for is including everyone.
Why are people so reluctant to get to know and build a friendship with people who are so different than them? Not all people, but many people look for people who are dressed and look like them, act and same social status or sphere as them. What’s the reluctance? Are they worried about the social implications of it? What do you think?
Two things that are major that people need to get over in the sense of ego and humbleness. An example, there was this social media post that I read and it was about not posting Instagram photos with certain friends because they won’t look good in your photos. I was disturbed by that, but it is so true when even hanging out with people.
Posting them on social media is different, but even hanging out with people in public, they’re like, “What are the people going to think if I’m with this person. I need to be with people that look like me, so if they look a little different, people are going to look at us weird.” In that social construct of the way we grew up of like, “People that look different are weird.” It’s so insane. It’s a lot different now. I feel like a lot more people are “accepting” of that because life has changed over the years, the narrative changed.
It’s also defining yourself by how others perceive you.
You achieve the energy you give off as well. When you’re like, “I don’t know how people are going to look.” People are going to be like, “What are you doing?” As long as you’re happy and you’re having a good time, committed, and loyal, that is all that matters. When you said, “How can I grow from this?” It’s not necessarily what you can get from it. It’s how you can grow together or how you can grow to make yourself a better person with them in your life as well.
Let’s talk about the event itself. It sounds like not a highly structured event with agenda of like, “First five minutes is this.” They’re then going to introduce themselves. It sounds like it’s pretty open, but are there certain things that you do in your events? I ask this because we have hundreds of thousands of people that are reading and they want to get perspectives advice on how to create events that are going to be particularly meaningful. Tell us about how you think about your event and what makes for a great No More Lonely Friends Event in general.
What I was saying before about you get the energy that you give off, with No More lonely friends, it’s a safe space. It’s very inclusive. If you’re not inclusive, you’re not going to show up. That’s a nice thing about No More Lonely Friends. If you’re not with the program, it’s not going to work. If you’re going to be exclusive or be like, “Sorry, no,” it’s not going to work.
That’s the cool thing about No More Lonely Friends. Every time someone walked up to me and said hi, I gave them a hug. I say, “What’s your name?” I give them a name tag. They put on the name tag, then they say, “How does this work?” I go, “Here are the drinks right here. There are some snacks around.” Every single person is here for the same exact reason as you. They’re inclusive. They want to talk to people. They want to make friends, and they’re here for a good time. It sounds so funny, but it works so well because every single person there is there to meet like-minded people, of having that open ability to talk to people and make friends.
That’s where the crossfire comes in with meeting people that you would never meet before or you would never think about meeting for because every single person is there for the same reason. When someone walks in, people are in groups. I walk up there and say, “My name is Marissa,” then everyone goes, “Marissa, what do you do? Where are you from?” That’s the coolest thing every time I see someone walk up and they go like, “Come sit down. Do you want anything?”
You get the energy that you give off.
It’s so awesome to watch every time someone walks up new or they seem a little nervous. Someone will spot them from across the lawn like a mile away and be like, “Come on over. We see you. It’s cool.” They’re like, “I’m spotted. My social anxiety is really high.” They’re like, “It’s cool. Come in, sit down.” I don’t have specific things we do because I don’t want anyone to feel pressure or anything like that to participate. People bring footballs. Last time we had corn hole, spike ball and stuff like that. Otherwise, it’s a very go-with-the-flow where everyone does their own thing. It works very well, oddly, because everyone’s on a free agenda, but it works very well because everyone’s there to do the same exact thing.
You clearly are attracting both introverts and also extroverts as part of this. The person that say, “Come on, welcome, Marissa.” That’s the extrovert and the person that’s a little more reluctant. It sounds like they’re both playing these beautiful roles where the extrovert feels great to be able to help someone, and the introvert feels welcomed. It sounds like a great dynamic.
It’s cool seeing how many people come out that have social anxiety or they are like, “I never imagined myself walking into a group of 500 strangers for fun, ever.”
That’s the worst nightmare for many people.
It’s the acceptance that all the people there are doing the same thing. Also, all the people that have talked about it openly, they see that. Also, the reason why I make sure that I’m at every event is because they come knowing me. Even if that’s online, they know who I am. That’s the biggest up that they’re like, “At least I know Marissa.” Whenever anyone walks up, they’re like, “I feel like I know you. We’re friends.” I’m like, “That’s the whole point.”
That’s a great call out because people’s comfort level in going to an event when they know one person makes all the difference, versus you having the wing person right next to you to be able to go there. It helps. The cool thing about it is that people believe, and I think they do because you’re so transparent in everything that you post that they are connected to you and know you. Meetup has been around for a long time. We always say we use technology to get people off of technology to build human connections, to meet in person, and exactly what you’re using for what you do. Do you recall how you had heard of Meetup in the first place or who introduced it to you?
I was at the Philly picnic. I think it was my third. Everyone was like, “How can we put it all in one place?” Right then and there, I was like, “Let me look up something.” Meetup was the first thing that came up on apps that are recommended for that. That’s when I was like, “Cool.” I made the Philly group right there, and then everyone passed around the phone and added themselves. I shared the link and I AirDrop it to everybody. That’s how everyone joined on. That was how it started.
It’s a great thing to have that amazing event, but then the question is, “How do you maintain the relationship between people?” Meetup can help to build and continue that community. I’m glad to hear that we’re known in Philly. I like it. You now have a manager, website and merch as well. I got to get myself a number of Lonely Friends t-shirt. I can’t wait.
You’re building a personal brand. How do you make sure that this continues? It seems like you’re all-in. Any advice for entrepreneurs, because that’s what you are now. You are a true entrepreneur. What can they learn from you in terms of how you’re approaching this in case others want to get out of their day-to-day boring jobs or even non-boring jobs? As you said, you enjoyed your job and turned it into a living, not a side thing.
The biggest thing I have that a lot of marketing people ask me to speak about, especially with social media, people will be like, “I use this hair stuff.” I personally will only collaborate with people that are true to what matches my vision or brand. I also make sure to keep it real. A lot of people can’t do that online, which is fine, where they post like it’s a different persona online. The coolest compliment I get every single time I meet someone is they’re like, “You’re the same in person as you are online.” That is my highest compliment. I will always take it. It’s great.
If you go into it being like, “I’m going to make so much money off of this.” It’s not going to work. I don’t even still understand how this is a thing, but if you want to make something genuine, it’ll come out great. If you’re going into it to be like, “I want to make some money. Everyone is going to be loving this. It’s going to be awesome.” It’s not going to work very well or come across well.
Since it came off of this TikTok and also, I traveled to every single one of them, I think that people were like, “What’s going on?” The difference is not like, “This is for young professionals trying to network.” If you talk about networking at this event, people are going to be like, “I’m here to make friends.” That’s a cool thing that goes with the free flow.
No ulterior motive. It’s not about career or money. Be yourself, be real and good things happen.
In any business, the more genuine you are with your message, purposes, motives and anything, it’s going to show straight through. If people are going to see it, if that’s what you’re going for.
To me, I always talk about energy also. When you have strong energy, it attracts people to you and all these amazing things end up happening to you because of this positive energy. Maybe be cognizant of it because that could also be a turnoff for other people. You need to be measuring that energy the right way at the right time. It’s a beautiful gift that I was given to have the type of energy that I do. It’s awesome that you have that same energy and you’re using it for good. Keep it up and whatever happens, you’re going to meet a lot of people that are not great necessarily and write it off as they’re not your people.
The biggest lesson learned out of all this stuff was I’d rather be alone than be with people that make me feel like I’m the worst person. That’s where I came from all this. I dropped those people and then found tens of thousands of new people that I could be friends with for the rest of my life that supported me, backed me, and loved me for who I was. I was never too much.
What we do in every episode is you go through some rapid-fire questions. Are you ready for the rapid-fire?
I’m ready. Let’s do it.
Number one. Prior to this, the first time you saw yourself as a leader?
I was the ASB president in my high school. I took that and made sure everyone was in line and made sure that everyone had that inclusivity. I loved it being an overviewer of all that.
It definitely comes in handy in everything you’re doing now. That’s fantastic. First job?
My first job was I worked at a cheerleading tumbling gym and taught kids how to tumble.
What is this thing that you’ve always wanted to do, and sometimes you’re going to do it?
I saw this video of this girl wing walking. It’s when those old airplanes that have the double pane, you stand on top of it while the plane is flying and you can walk the wing while the plane is flying. It’s crazy. You take off, you get up, strap yourself, and you’re standing on top of the plane while it’s flying. It’s the coolest thing I’ve ever seen. I’m like, “I have to do it.” I’ve already done skydiving and bungee jumping. Now it’s the next level.
What is the best decision that you have ever made?
The best decision that I’ve ever made is quitting my job that made me feel sad to wake up every day. One day, I went for a walk around my city to get some inspiration. This is a long-winded answer. That inspired me to sit down and watch how happy people were in their own lives doing their own thing. That inspired me to pick up my ego, myself and go out and find what truly made me happy. It was a set moment when I was living in Los Angeles. I was like, “I don’t know how I feel. I don’t know if I want to do this anymore.” I took that and I made sure I only did things from then on out that only made me happy and didn’t make me want not to wake up every day.
You have so much life ahead of you and so much life that you’ve done. You’re so alive, which is one of the things I love about talking to you. What do you want to boast and be remembered by?
That’s a really amazing question. No one has ever asked me that. What I want people to remember me by is more or less I taught them how to live their best life.
That is an incredible aspiration. You’re doing it now. You’re introducing tens of thousands of people to each other and the butterfly effect of these people meeting and helping each other to lead better lives. You don’t even know what impact you’re having. You know that you’re having a very positive impact and that it’s going to continue. I love that life aspiration. I love how you use your energy for the good, and I have no doubt that amazing things are going to happen as they have already and even more in the future. Thank you for being a part of the show. This is awesome.
Thank you so much for having me.
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Thanks for reading. I hope you enjoyed this. I was inspired by it myself. Marissa is someone who knows how to keep it real, authentic and understands that if you are your true self, then good things will inevitably end up happening. It doesn’t mean that they always happen immediately, but they’re going to happen ultimately. Trying to be someone else, that’s never the right path.
Her message around the impact of one’s friends and being around the right people resonated so much that the person, Drew, who shared her story with 30 followers, five minutes later, turned to 100,000 followers. Only in 2021 can this have happened. She is a perfect example of life can change for the good in a few moments. If you enjoy the episode, please subscribe and add a review. Let’s keep connected because life is better together.
Important Links:
- No More Lonely Friends
- TikTok – Marissa Meizz
Last modified on December 13, 2021
