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"These essays are poignant, funny and intellectually charged." -- Traci Foust, Nowhere Near Normal
"Beautifully crafted, poignant, and humorous. Essays by David Boyne capture the magic in daily life, if we stop and pay attention. He reminds us that happiness, indeed, is not an accident." -- Paula Margulies, Coyote Heart
"Read David Boyne at your own peril, and be prepared to duck." -- Thornton Sully, A Word With You Press
"Like Dave Barry and David Sedaris, David Boyne analyzes life's minor truths and comes up with the uncomfortable questions that may not topple governments, but do make life richer." --Ken Callaway, Screenwriter
"These stories take you on a sardonic ride as curvy as it is bodacious. Sardonic, curvy, bodacious. Yeah, that's what I said." --Julie Ann Weinstein, Flashes From the Other World
From the Author
To Newton, the golden retriever who taught me to defy gravity.
From the Inside Flap
Quietly hilarious and deceptively meaningful essays that explore the irony in ordinary events. "Happy Accidents are going snap, crackle, and pop, all around us."
Whether we're getting a cup of coffee (HURRY UP AND WAIT), or choosing a bumper sticker for our car (MEAN PEOPLE SUCK), or parenting (DANCING IN THE STREETS), or brushing our teeth (BLACK TEETH AND BUBONIC PLAGUE), or watering our suburban yard (PLEIN AIR PEEING), there are happy accidents, both ridiculous and sublime, happening around us.
In HAPPY ACCIDENTS you will meet a buxom tattoo-covered barista, a 7-year-old boy giving dance lessons at a bus stop, dentists and Volvo mechanics sending their kids off to Harvard, a confused divorcee, and George of the Jungle--all going about their ordinary day while wrestling with deep philosophical questions, such as, "Is the world round, or flat?"
INSIDE MY 3-POUND UNIVERSE
In this collection of essays attempts to answer A Really Big Question -- "In the wrestling match called Life, each time we get Head Locked, Bitch Slapped, and Samoan Dropped to the mat--Why do we get back up?"
Quietly hilarious and deceptively meaningful essays that go off on surprising tangents--grabbing us by the collar and insisting we go along for explorations of everything from the terrors of kindergarten (THE FIRST CIRCLE OF HELL) to the bitter-sweetness of parenting (FOR MY COLLECTION) to the shocking discovery of the Purpose of Life (QUO VADIS, DUDE?).
We will also gain very practical skills, such as mastering the art of recalling our dreams (ROW, ROW, ROW YOUR BOAT) dealing with shark attacks (WHO'S IN CHARGE HERE?) and deciding what we should take and what we should leave behind (SAILING ALONE AROUND THE WORLD).
RESISTANCE IS FUTILE!
The fast-moving, sardonic dialogue of HOW WOULD BUDDHA DRIVE? explores the mystery, How can a guy meditate blissfully, then drive like a mad man? In the memoir piece, IF I HAD A HAMMER, we ride along with an intense, erratic college student as he pilots a motorcycle through a snowstorm in Maine, on his way to make a life-changing purchase. And before we know it, we have passed with him through Manhattan's Alphabet City and East Village, San Francisco's Nob Hill, and come to a stop a dozen years later somewhere on a suburban porch in Portland, Oregon.
In the essay, OWNING UP, we buy a house. Or do we? By the end of a fast montage of reflections on the false-reality of owning stuff we somehow wind up inside the movie, Midnight Cowboy, where we learn what we each truly do own. In the story, BREAKFAST WITH ANNIE, sharing a meal with a foul-mouthed, cantankerous 80-year-old neighbor leads us into bearing witness to the long and lonely decline of an anonymous life.
In the set piece, KILROY WAS HERE, we start off with a not-too-bright kid growing up in Connecticut but certain he's being raised by a cult of koan-dispensing Zen masters. Yet, by the end of the journey, we wonder if that not-too-bright kid may have had it right, after all. Then it's off to nibbling stale cheese and guzzling cheap read wine at a literary event, in the essay, IN MY OPINION, which somehow manages to tie up in a neat little bundle, being a writer, receiving angry emails, drinking organic coffee, and learning how to use an AK-47 assault rifle.
Talk about mood swings! Yet. In these and the other essays of this collection, there is something going on and coming across. A theme, or a running joke, or an message encrypted in the white space around the words. There is an unmistakable undercurrent to these biploar sardonic-serious, sad-hilarious, slapstick-heartache essays. Even if it is never put directly into words. But what is it?
Whoa! Hold on thar, Baba Looey! What's the title of this here book again?
X MARKS THE SPOT
In these fast and furiously funny essays we ride shotgun as David Boyne arrives in a new city and is given a map by a mysterious stranger (X MARKS THE SPOT), or reads his email (GRUDGE HOLDING LETTER BOMBING SHIT LISTERS), or strains to curb his inherited gene of East Coast sarcasm as he mixes it up with goofy new-age Californians (IT'S ALL GOOD, ADVENTURES IN THE LAND OF THE LOTUS EATERS). We breeze down a wacky detour back to high school (WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!) but then take a wrong turn and find ourselves lost in the woods (JUST PASSING THROUGH). We will stand with our ironic guide on the rim of the Grand Canyon (FAST MOVING HIGH FOLLOWED BY LINGERING DEPRESSION), and ride a bike with him through grid-locked Manhattan (PAST PRESENT FUTURE), and drive a sick child to the emergency room (BREATHING LESSONS), and explore the meaning of a Japanese obituary (EITHER AND OR).
And after this wild, bumpy, exhilarating, sardonic odyssey through the ordinary, we will look up and find -- that we are right back where we started. The world around us is exactly the same as when we left it.
But we're not.
About the Author
David Boyne has failed at everything he has tried. A partial list includes failing at parenting, marriage, college, gainful employment, buying low and selling high, mixing red wine with tequila, riding a bicycle across America, playing drums in a blues-rock band, and staying perpendicularly tangential to the gutter. At one time he considered becoming a better person. But when told identity theft was illegal, he abandoned the idea. He has lived in Connecticut, Florida, Maine, Rhode Island, Oregon, Manhattan, San Francisco and South Park. He now lives in the Center of the Unknown Universe. (Some people call it Southern California.) When not writing about his failings, or boldly staring into Space, or scheming for Total World Domination, he exposes himself in public at DavidBoyne.com
I COULD BE WRONG BUT...
This trade paperback book features many essays from 4 popular Kindle ebooks by David Boyne
Contents Under Pressure
Book One: X Marks the Spot
X Marks the Spot
It's All Good
Grudge Holding Letter Bombing Shit Listers
We're All Going to Die!.
Write. Exercise. Shower
All the Children
Just Passing Through
Either And Or
Past Present Future
Book Two: Inside My 3-Pound Universe
Feng Shui This, Bub!
Memoirs of a Failed Step-Father: For My Collection
Travels in My 3-Pound Universe
Quo Vadis, Dude?
Who's In Charge?
Sailing Alone Around the World
Row, Row, Row Your Boat
Book Three: Happy Accidents
Every Obituary Is a Novel
Hurry Up and Wait
Mean People Suck
Memoirs of a Failed Step-Father: Dancing in the Street
Black Teeth and Bubonic Plague
Shall We Dance?
Book Four: Resistance Is Futile!
How Would Buddha Drive?
If I Had a Hammer
Breakfast with Annie
Kilroy Was Here