|Sent on:||Wednesday, April 3, 2013 4:02 PM|
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Horsemeat ‘could’ save the world.
Test Proper Job. A great new way of working for those working people who resent those ‘w*****s’ who get paid for having a good time.
Save money with champion consumer Martyn Lewis.
You can’t jail Oscar Bladerunner! That’s taking the Pist!
Added to almost daily.
Meet Cedric Fallows: Wildlife photographer extraordinaire. Stunning snow scenes featuring rare albino animals.
Take the pain out of queuing with ‘The Q Spot’ ... a set of short ditties that bring pleasure instead of irritation and frustration when in a queue.
Prospective new father? (Not to be read by women or the mothers to be).
New mouth to feed on the way? Have you got the blame? Is Jeremy Kyle’s (or the hospital’s) DNA machine obviously faulty?
Brill Tack is here to help ... (trapped fathers)
THE HANNAT BUTT BUDDY SHOWER & GYM IN ONE
The showers and shower accessories for people who care about their bums, stomachs and intestines.
After exhaustive research we at The Genuine Malarkey Blog Wonky Inventions and Innovations Corporation have come to the conclusion that people neglect their arses, and as a result, tend to scratch their arses in public, which doesn’t exactly make you fancy din dins.
Worse still, they don’t seem to wash the crack in their arses properly when in the shower, especially people with big fat arses.
We by the way call the crack in the arse and that deep dark crevice, the ‘grike’.
So I got together with myself and had a meeting, and came up with the Hannat shower, and the Hannat shower ‘kit’, which are all the accessories you need to convert your ordinary non-grike friendly shower, into a grike friendly shower.
If ever they have a ‘be nice to your grike day’, you’ll be glad you bought one.
“The Hannat Butt Buddy is the biggest improvement in shower technology since the last one.”
Bernard Wellgreen Fullard, upstanding member of the public and member of Coventry Council.
If you have decided to buy a Hannat Butt Buddy Complete Shower Unit (Thankyouuuuuu!), or convert your existing shower cubicle to one, you may like to get used to the rather disorientational idea of showering upside down. This ‘new perspective’ which isn’t easy, can be achieved by getting a couple of ropes, a couple of steel or wooden post/pegs, a mallet and a couple of friends to help with the Malarkey Blog Wonky Hannat Butt Buddy upside down reorientation training method.
All you need is a suitable tree.
If you don’t have a suitable tree in your garden with a branch that makes it suitable, go to the park and find one, as there are loads of suitable trees in parks due to the law of averages and you can have a refreshing walk at the same time (ignore carrier bags, crisp bags, chocolate bar wrappers etc).
When you have found one, throw the ropes over the branch and then hammer either one of the steel or wooden posts into the ground on which your helpers will tie the ropes when you are suspended.
If the police come rushing along with SWAT as you begin this process, just explain to them ‘that your friends are not going to hang you, well, they are, but not by your neck; this is a friendly ‘training’ hanging ... so not to worry, and please don’t shoot them because you’re frustrated because you rarely get to shoot anyone’.
In fact tell them to piss off and shoot criminals and not stand around wasting tax payer’s money watching a training session for the Hannat Butt Buddy Shower (yes! You have one because you have loads of money).
Soon you will be suspended by your legs, which should be parted, but not as far as Jean Claude Van Damme’s when he was training to kick the shit out of Tong Po in Kick Boxer; the splits are not necessary.
Now, one of your friends must hold a laptop in front of upside down you, and you must learn how to type upside down (as the controls will be upside down because ‘you’ will be upside down ... logic).
As time passes, the blood may collect in your head and you may faint, and that is when one of your mates can throw a bucket of icy water in your face (green and gooey from the park pond, probably with duck faeces in it). The bright side is, when you have mastered the Hannat Butt Buddy, you will be partially NASA trained and can go to space to work on nuclear warheads which are attached to missiles pointed at ... wherever they are pointed at (if you look down the sights on one and you see your partner putting out the washing ...well ... never help her or him put the washing out).
When you can type upside down without fainting, that is your training complete and then you can go home and eagerly await the Hannat Butt Buddy’s arrival.
Things to do while waiting for the Hannat Butt Buddy’s arrival ... pace around, get bad tempered, argue with people. Say things like ‘It’s never going to come! I bet it comes when I go to the toilet! I bet it comes when I go to the shop! Argue more with people. Get stressed, have a stroke, go to hospital. Only joking.
Using the Hannat Butt Buddy Shower ‘& Gut Buddy Gym’.
The person enters the shower, faces the shower head wall, and sits down.
The green down button on the shower ‘sill’ control panel can then be pressed, and that will start the motor which will then turn the rope drum, and lower the two ropes which pass through the two guide pipes which are suckered to the cubicle walls ... they have the ankle loop fastenings, one on the end of each, this should be okay even if you live near a chemical dump and have four feet (why do elephants have four feet? Because they would look silly with four inches! Wa haaa haaaa!).
The feet should be passed through these in a passing the feet through manner (sentence written by a manager after all staff called in sick and she had to do it all by herself). The red up button should then be pressed, and the person will be suspended in the manner which they were suspended from the tree in the park (or garden), they should now be okay.
The shower is then turned on at the normal valve which will no doubt be behind the person ... the ‘on show’ grike (arse crack) can be then given a good sudding, as can any genital regions. The person can then (if they can’t they will need some more tree time) raise themselves using stomach muscles (crunches), and turn the special shower head onto the Bidet setting, which will not only give the normal shower, but a ‘gravity assisted’ bidet jet will come from the middle of the head. This is very handy if a curry was eaten the previous night. It can be realised that the more you use the Hannat Butt Buddy, you will develop through the crunching, either a four, a six or an eight pack stomach, dependent on whether you are a man or a woman.
Cleaning the intestine
The middle control valve varies the speed of the jet of water so that an enema or colonic irrigation can be enjoyed. Turn on the monitor. This will activate the camera located in the jet stream in the middle of the shower head. The screen will show a picture of the person’s grike and a close up of the butt hole. The cross on the screen is the same as on an X Ray machine which the X Ray people line up on the part of you to be X Rayed before they run out of the room, leaving you feeling extremely secure.
If having an X ray, don’t be shocked if any of the X Ray people’s wigs fall off or if any of them have forgotten to put their false teeth in that day (hazards of the job).
Back to the shower. Turn off the Bidet.
Next, line up your arse with your butt hole positioned so that the middle of the cross is splitting your butt hole into four ... the shower is then pointed perfectly at your butt hole (arse hole). Look round, upside down at the valves, and then open the middle one marked E (Enema). The more you open it, the stronger the jet will be. The rest is self- explanatory.
If you aren’t a very good shot and you fear for either your knackers or your female bits, then we can supply you with the Hannat Butt Buddy Shower and Gut Buddy Gym, Polycarbonate Privates Protection Screen, which basically consists of a partial chastity belt, with an anus insertion tube on one side and a funnel on the other (the funnel caters for those that aren’t a very good aim, and makes life even easier for those who are (or the other way round). See diagram:
We at The Genuine Malarkey Blog Wonky Inventions and Innovations Corporation hope you enjoy your Hannat Butt Buddy Shower, Gut Buddy Gym, and Intestine Buddy Enema and Colonic Irrigation unit.
Have a nice day!
Oh, by the way, for dumb people. You pressed the red button to raise yourself, so, to lower yourself, ‘press the green one’ (be careful not to clonk your head on the deck).
PS: If there is a power cut during your shower, remember to take a good book in the cubicle with you.
Tip: Put it in a plastic bag (if you don’t it will get all soggy). (I actually read a story about this dumb rich man who had a habit of reading paperbacks in the shower, he said, “They get all soggy.” Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh!).
Tip 2: Don’t take an e book reader in with you.
Tip 3: If they invent a portable 240V e book reader, definitely don’t take it in with you.
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