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Single Parents - Divorced Adults Group Message Board › What's the best way to "get over" losing the family bond that you

What's the best way to "get over" losing the family bond that you had when you were married, and how to move on and not hurt someone else?

user 10037615
Black Earth, WI
Post #: 25
Hi Tim,
I agree with some of the others who suggest getting involved in something. The something doesn't have to be "organized" like Rebuilders but rather some community activity like volunteering. Take a look at Isthmus for things going on around where help is welcomed.

Have you considered becoming a Big Brother? It's a terrific program bringing many social and psychological benefits to both "brothers".

I would respectfully disagree with those suggesting a "spiritual journey". My sense is you spend enough time alone and while I do agree the outdoors is a wonderfully refreshing place, you would still be alone and lonesome.

Please allow me to segue: When I lost my dad I felt like I had a big slice taken out of my side. I asked a counselor if that area would ever fill back in and he replied it would but never fully. There would always be a sense of loss which could never be totally refilled. That news initially disappointed me but, after reflection, I realized personal growth stems from pain. Sure, I miss my dad and now my mom and always will but I don't keep gnawing at the same holes never allowing them to fill in.

Likewise, your divorce has taken a slice, or slices, out of you. You may actually feel like part of you is missing as I described above. But don't let one of those slices be for your ex's happiness. While it's sweet for you to fret for her, you need to take care of yourself. Think about what you have and be glad for it. Build on what you have and find ways to start new things to build like taking a class in something you've wanted to learn.

Revel in your time with your kids. Go to your son's Little League games or whatever he likes doing. If your daughter likes shopping you should take her. Like most men you probably hate shopping but watch your daughter's joy as she looks around and tries things on. I once helped my daughter host a tea party and while it was a pain to prepare, the enjoyment she and her friends shared was wonderful to see and made the whole thing worthwhile.

Do you know what is important to you? Do you care deeply about the environment? Are you a Republican or a Democrat? We all have what I call a "secret heart". Maybe a better term for it would be a hidden "safe-deposit box" within us. Inside that locked space is what drives us to do what we do. It is the essence that colors everything we allow ourselves to feel and action we take. If you can figure out what's at your root level you'll be happiest if let you it guide you (or you follow it) to your next horizon. Even if that place seems economically unfeasible or culturally different, consider hard allowing yourself to reach it. Of course if the contents of your secret place tells you to hurt people, get professional help refining the notion.

You've got an opportunity to learn from what happened and take measures to make sure it doesn't happen again. You've got opportunities to start over, to find things you enjoy and to let someone find you while doing what you both enjoy.
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