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Single Parents - Divorced Adults Group Message Board › Dang it! Again?

Dang it! Again?

A former member
Post #: 6
In October I found out my husband had been having an affair with a co-worker for over a year. We've only been together for five years. So it's like a fifth of our marriage. This is the second time it's happened to me. My college boyfriend of five years cheated on me with a friend of mine. My husband knew of the hardship this caused me and cheated anyway. I feel like such an idiot. Obviously I don't have good judgement in people. I specifically picked my spouse because of his honesty and trustworthiness. I never wanted to go through infidelity again. So now I'm completely embarrassed to tell my friends and family. I'm staying at a girl friends right now and my parents know. However, I know if I leave, everyone else is going to find out. My husband says he wants to fix things, but doesn't really put effort in. I feel like I should just file for divorce, but can't bring myself to do it. Ugh! Cheaters suck! Has anyone else been through this?
A former member
Post #: 92
Jessica, I am so sorry! I have not been through this, but would say that if he had slept with someone once, then perhaps it was a mistake and a momentary lapse of judgment. Carrying on with someone for a year? That is a character flaw. Run honey!
Mary A.
user 14361280
Madison, WI
Post #: 34
Jessica, this is tough...and honestly, only a decision you can make and when you're ready. But to get to a decision (instead of going crazy), you have to strip things down to the BASIC of which are:

1. YOU have NOTHING to be embarrassed about! Oh my goodness! You did not TELL him to cheat on you! You cannot control anyone else! YOU are NOT part of the cheating! HE took the action, all by himself. Maybe you think you weren't meeting his needs, somehow, so you're partially to blame? Well, not unless your vows included, "If you're not happy with me, you're free to cheat...?" People cheat on supermodels and perfect wives, all the time. YOU HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH HIS DECISION TO CHEAT!

2. Relationships will not work without RESPECT.

3. No effort? What does THAT tell you?

4. Some relationships are NOT supposed to last forever. Some are there to give us what we need at the time, or to teach us something and to be DONE.

5. You can only control you. You know what YOU NEED from a spouse. If you make a list of your "dream man" (and YES, they are out there...I have one after leaving a rough marriage) is your husband this person? I don't think "unfaithful" is on your list?

6. Anyone that knows you will NOT see you as any part of the cheating...anyone that implies you had any falt in this is obviously not a real friend, so it's good to know, so you don't spend anymore time with them!

7. You need to listen to your heart...not your fears, self-doubt or lies. How do you know it's your heart and not your fears? THINK about HOW it makes you feel...if it makes you feel good about yourself and warm and loving to yourself, it's your heart. If it makes you feel uncomfortable, undeserving, or unloving to yourself in anyway, it's a fear and a lie. Follow your heart!

As I say in my book, "Don't sit and spin in the SH**!" It is a waste of your time, and your life. Take the time to listen to your heart, that loves you and knows what is best for you.

If you don't do what's best for you, you truly deprive the world of your gifts and what you are meant to give the world. You ARE here for a reason...there are no extra, random, meaningless people. The world needs you to take care of yourself and be happy and to fill the spot in the world that only you can : )

Get back to KNOWING how important you are and your decision will come easy. Sending a hug (because you deserve it) and warm wishes for CLEAR, FACTUAL thinking....

Mary Anne
A former member
Post #: 18
I know exactly how you feel, I felt the same way too. This was his decision, you did nothing wrong here. The embarrassment is all on him. He disrespected you, his marriage, and himself. Lack of character IS an embarrassment.
user 8080883
Waunakee, WI
Post #: 22
Hi Jessica - I'm sorry you're going through this. I've been in that same situation, except my ex and I work at the same place. I work fairly closely with her on projects, so it was a very hard time in my life.

The only way this will work is if your spouse is willing to go to counseling and be completely honest and open with you - this includes his personal cell phone, Email, everything - and could possibly include quitting his job. My ex and I went to counseling for a few months as we tried to work on our issues, but by the time he said he was ready to finish therapy and continue working on us, he was sleeping with her again. My experience was, once a cheater, always a cheater.

Either way, you should talk with a therapist to work out the many feelings that are swirling around in your head right now. This group is also an excellent source to help work through some of the issues you are facing and will face in the future. Good luck!
A former member
Post #: 5
Hi Jessica,

It's horrible that you should feel embarrassed. HE should feel embarrassed. My ex did something similar - 3 YEAR affair - then I stayed with him - for the sake of the kids. It was no shocker to me that he cheated again 5 years later, but it did make it easy for me to finally call it quits.

Listen to what is inside of you. You don't need anyone's stamp of approval to leave or stay. EVERYONE is behind you on this and will support you. They will. You deserve it. It's easy for everyone else to say - "drop kick the A**hole!" But only do so when YOU are good and ready. It's not some movie. It's your life. You deserve to have what gives you peace.

...and by the way - this isn't your lack of good judgement. It's his lack of character. Someone who has an affair is selfish and more importantly a coward. We all have selfish and cowardly moments. And some folks can learn from their errors and be all the stronger/better people as a result of those experiences. I'd be weighing in on whether he has the will desire and ability to be that for you. And more importantly whether you think he is worth it.. took me years to allow myself to think of ME and decide that for me, he really wasn't worth it.

Good luck..
Madison, WI
Post #: 15
I understand your feelings. I still don't like to talk about my ex cheating on me, and that was 5 years ago. Just remember, all relationships have rough spots no matter how good they've been and how long they've lasted. Instead of working out problems or getting counseling, your husband decided to be selfish and cheat on you. He has destroyed your trust in him, and is doing nothing to rebuild it. After my ex cheated, we stayed together for a few months, but there I couldn't trust her and she never gave me a reason to offer any trust.

So here is the bottom line, will you ever completely trust him again? If not, get out now. File for divorce, pull your money out of any shared accounts, open your own credit card accounts, and find a new place to live. The sooner you do, the sooner you will heal. You don't have kids, so it is much easier to make a clean break. If you stay with him, he will likely cheat again, and if you have kids in the mean time, he will remain a part of your life.

Cheaters do suck.

A former member
Post #: 7
Thanks for the kind words everyone. They are definitely taken to heart! I'm probably rushing things, I just need to sit back and let my feelings work themselves out. It's good to have the support though. I'm looking forward to staying in contact.
A former member
Post #: 89
Cheaters suck!


Has anyone else been through this?

If we ever meet, remind me who you are and I'll tell you my horror story.
Julie V
user 23239811
Madison, WI
Post #: 4
Hey Jessica - One important message that resonates with me is from Carolyn - cheaters always cheat. There are very few people who cheat just one time. For some, its an addiction and they feel a huge thrill. Others are just too weak to commit and work on a lifetime relationship.

I love my soon-to-be ex very much; he's incredibly smart, funny, shares lots of interests, and we're excellent parent partners, but its taken me 2 years to discover how naive and trusting I was, and that made me blind to reality. He can't commit to me, or anyone. I found out he cheated on two women in important relationships with him prior to our marriage. He cheated on me after each of our boys were born. He even cheated on a woman he was cheating on me with! I gave him a second chance after the first time - he was so sorry, he lost his job because of improper use of his work computer, he PROMISED never to do it again, went to counseling with me for 6 months, then declared himself cured.

I thought I was vigilant, asked him questions when I was suspicious, but he hid it well. And it didn't help that I was going through some personal (my self-esteem was shot) and work issues - I was very distracted up until our separation, and he couldn't handle it. Instead of being supportive, he sought out others, and in hindsight, he took all the guilt he had out on me and became very disrespectful.

Consider the possible results if you stay with him - you may be constantly looking over his shoulder, his contact with other woman will lead to worry, and you may get that tinge of suspicion at times whether or not there is a need...and that is emotionally exhausting. You'll need to be very, very strong to get through those issues.

You don't mention children, but one question to ask is: if it happens again, what will you do if you have kids?

And what will you do if it happens again?

Ask yourself the good, hard questions, talk with a professional, take the time to really get to know yourself again as an individual and ask yourself if you want to risk the possible damage to your self esteem if it happens again. You deserve much better.

Cheaters suck. It changes your life forever. Take a good hard look at him and yourself and be strong.
Best of luck to you. I would never wish this on anyone.


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