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Single Parents - Divorced Adults Group Message Board › dump him!!!!!!

dump him!!!!!!

allie a.
user 18521111
Madison, WI
Post #: 4
So the premise of the book is this :

Guys have a hard time telling their dates (or even knowing themselves) if they're 'really into' the woman they're with. Women do the WRONG THING for each other and encourage bad relationships. (So he hasn't called you for a week? I'm sure it's just cuz he's really busy. I'm sure he loves you...bla bla bla...) When in reality what we should be saying is DTMFA. Each and every time a guy plays games or doesn't call or wants to only be FWB or whatever. Doesn't matter why. It simply means he's just not that into you. And you and I and all of us deserve better. Period.

Again. According to the book, men who are 'into you' will leap across mountains, drive five hours just for a kiss, and all that. I believe it. I've seen it. And if they aren't into you, you're wasting your time.
Rules for dumping the guy (again according to the book)

"If he isn't calling you, he doesn't want to call you.

If he's treating you like he doesn't care about you, he doesn't care about you.

If he cheats on you, he doesn't care about you and he won't change.

If he's not marrying you, he's just not that into you.

If he's not sleeping with you, he's just not that into you.

If he doesn't make it happen, he's just not that into you.

If he only sees you on the weekends, he's just not that into you.

If a guy likes you he will make it happen""

The 'rules' in the book are even more blatant that that. It's like this : if he doesn't call you within two days, dump him.
If he makes you drive more than half the time to see him, dump him.

Optimistic C.
Madison, WI
Post #: 90
Always willing to go out on a limb... here goes nothing...
I think that generally all of the rules of thumb listed above are accurate. One has to bear in mind, however, other factors that might play out, especially with SP-DA members.
Do they have kids and when is their placement?
How long since they were divorced?
Are they really ready to move on/into a new relationship or are they still working on that process?

What is FWB? Ah... love Google!
Madison, WI
Post #: 26
I have to agree with Chris that a number of things don't apply to people in this group. Being divorced, or in some cases still going through the divorce process, and having kids will make availability an issue.

If he's treating you like he doesn't care about you, he doesn't care about you.
If he cheats on you, he doesn't care about you and he won't change.

Those are the only ones that are truly correct without question.

How about this, just tell the guy how you want to be treated, and if he able to do them but chooses not to, then he's not that in to you.

Don't expect guys to have a telepathic understanding of some goofy book of women's relationship rules.

Madison, WI
Post #: 45
If he says he will do something, then doesn't follow through, he may be distracted. Once or twice. More than that, though, and he just isn't into you.

Rick has the right idea- both ways!
allie a.
user 18521111
Madison, WI
Post #: 5
Whoooaaa! So 'If he cheats on you, he doesn't care about you and he won't change'? You don't agree with that Rick? Really?

I guess that's part of the problem, is that they aren't 'rules' as much as 'is he into you?' All guys know how to treat a woman! Yes they do.
And if a guy has kids, he can still text or call if he wants to to say 'I miss you' or 'how are you doing'? The operational phrase is ... if he wants to.

If he's into her, then he will.

There are some single people who want someone to have while they look for someone 'better'. They aren't really 'into' the person they're with - they just want someone. This includes people who haven't been divorced as well, but especially for people who are dealing with recent rejections/loss. We are all capable of it. This book is really for us especially poignant because its important for us to see the signs, which is what this book is outlining.

As for OC's other statement : yes. I think that's valid. Some people aren't ready for relationships. If they're honest, and say "I don't know what I want" and hold no expectations, the woman has the ability to decide whether she wants to be in a no strings fbuddy relationship or not. It's important, though, that he keep his message clear and not send mixed messages. For example, if he doesn't know what he wants, he shouldn't talk about the vacation he wants to take in the future. That's manipulative. It implies there IS a future, providing a false sense of security which he has already admitted isn't part of the deal.
A former member
Post #: 141
Rick didn't say that, reread!smile
allie a.
user 18521111
Madison, WI
Post #: 6

I understood that he was only agreeing with those two of them. I don't agree with the 'if he's not marrying you' one. When I was reading the book, even. But it was saying that he's not AFRAID of marriage in the book. Still I don't agree that that has anything to do with whether he's 'into' you or not.

(Just my opinion)
allie a.
user 18521111
Madison, WI
Post #: 7
Yes. I was totally off. Sorry. Responding and watching 'Awake' at the same time. (fantastic show btw). Rick, I agree with you. I'm an idiot. :)

Yes. If he cheats, he's not into you. There's so many more though.

Here's the real list from the book.

1. He's just not that inot you if he's not asking you out.

2. He’s just not that into you if he’s not calling you

3. He's just not into you if he's dating someone else.

4.He’s just not that into you if he’s not dating you.

5. He's just not that into you if he's not having sex with you.

6. He’s just not that into you if he only wants to see you when he’s drunk.

7.He’s just not that into you if he doesn’t want to marry you.

8.He’s just not that into you if he’s breaking up with you.

9.He’s just not that into you if he’s disappeared on you.

10.He’s just not that into you if he’s married (and other insane variations for being unavailable).

user 6540411
Group Organizer
Madison, WI
Post #: 187
Sounds like common sense to me...
Madison, WI
Post #: 27
All guys know how to treat a woman! Yes they do.

I think this thought gets a lot of relationships in trouble. Yes men know how to treat a woman with decency and respect, but beyond that, things are much more individualized and not as obvious. How frequent must the calls be? That can be very different between two people.

The only thing people know (and it goes for both guys and gals) is how they want to be treated. What you can expect is to be treated the way they would want someone to treat them. If that does not meet your needs, then say something before you get too upset and frustrated. Just make sure you are open to adjustments as well.

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