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Single Parents - Divorced Adults Group Message Board › QOW #9: Dating Post Marriage

QOW #9: Dating Post Marriage

A former member
Post #: 3
I think you are 100% correct. If you are still thinking and worrying about your ex, you aren't ready to move on.

I think in general, if we're still worrying about what are exes are doing and what what their reaction to us dating is, that's probably a sign that we aren't ready for a relationship yet. In general, I think that the spiritual lesson here is letting go, letting it be.

One struggle I have about dating is guilt. Since my marriage ended as a result of the other person dating, I had to deal with a lot of the pain very early on. And there are things that still hurt and a lot of chaos still in the legal process but a lot of healing has happened too. The one thing I'm struggling with regarding dating is guilt. My older daughter is still hurting. Her and I have really been tuned into each other and have had a really empathetic connection through all this, and I really feel like she needs me to stay tuned in and keep her and her sister my primary focus. I know that I could never go back into that marriage even if it was an option and I do want to be open to building bridges. But it's hard to embrace something new especially when I know how much it hurt my daughter when she started being exposed to the guy her mom has hooked up with. I know it will get easier over time, but I'll definitely be paying attention to how a woman will react when I tell her it would have to be a while before I could introduce her to my girls.

You know, another thing that I think of about dating, it's hard to find someone with similar values and similar personality. There are things that are really important to me that are meaningful. At the same time, I like having fun, I'm laid back, and I like to break the rules sometimes. And I think it's tough to find someone who serious about the things you care about but still likes to have fun the way you like to.

What will be, will be. 'Nuff said.

A former member
Post #: 1
The problem in general is our stereotype conception of initial distrust sometimes to the point of absurd! We become too much selfish and demand from each other (women from men and vice versa) a huge list or even a book-whole of 'ideal match' qualifiers of how you can see your next date without thinking of more nicer and pure way to finding the next spouse, finding the next life and finding the next love.
Isn't that pure natural and simple? You've broke up, can't live together anymore... FINE! FIND YOUR NEXT LOVE and be in LOVE again. Consider LOVE as a substance that has an upcoming and ongoing effect. It's a chemistry that has NOTHING todo with 'match qualifiers'. Write it on the post or paper and stick it to your workstation or to the refrigerator so you can SEE it and it's DOABLE once the stereotypes are destroyed. What could be more sincere?
A former member
Post #: 18
I think there has to be a balance. We aren't just teenagers anymore and there are qualities that are important and qualities to look out for. That first 18 to 24 months is very much a sense of high created by hormones. And it's an exciting feeling. But I think there has to be a more mature, understanding, and empathetic connection so that you're not a victim of your basic attractions. There is a reason why people who are divorced are more likely to divorce again. At the same time, we might set our standards too high and be too inflexible and judge too soon. Our marriages didn't just fail because we picked the wrong people, some of it is that we need to change too. And that means putting more effort into a relationship which you're not doing if you're looking for reasons to get out. I think the number one thing to look for, besides attraction, is whether the other person is empathetic and commits to put effort in, whether they can give up their pride and apologize and compromise, and whether they truly care about us and not just what they get from us... all of which does not matter unless we're willing to hold ourselves to the same standards.
A former member
Post #: 1
I agree with both Mark and Todd. I was married for 12 years and together for 15. It takes time to learn how to date again. Your expectations are completely different at 36 then they are at 22. People (and not just divorced ones) at this age have very high "qualifiers" that they are looking for. Basically they want someone who has it all even if they themselves aren't bringing much to the table. Also, in my experience people are VERY quick to find a "fatal flaw" and jump ship. This can reek havoc on an already fragile self esteem. I have found that it is way to easy to be judgmental of others and their emotional baggage. I too have heard the statistics about divorced people...but what is the alternative? A life of solitude? I am an eternal optimist and truly believe that happiness is a choice. If making that choice means taking risks with my heart so be it. Life is to be lived, if you protect your heart from everything then you never feel anything.
A former member
Post #: 2
We can only regret that inspiration to approach love conflicts with barrel full of other interests and duties. Thus we have two brain hemispheres one is in conflict with the other!
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