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Single Parents - Divorced Adults Group Message Board › QOW #13: Birthdays

QOW #13: Birthdays

A former member
Post #: 28
I think if you're in a place where it doesn't cause you pain, it's good to encourage honoring each others' birthdays. But if you're in a place where you're stuck or still dealing with pain, you might consider asking a family member to help, either in your family or her family. My mom helped my daughters' make a birthday gift for their mother. At the time it would have been really hard for me because I was still trying to emotionally separate myself from her. Now I feel it wouldn't be that big a deal for me.
A former member
Post #: 32
I have my son's birthday coming up next week, so was looking around to see how others handle birthdays.

We are going through a collaborative divorce, and met with divorce "coaches" who suggested that we do birthdays jointly. In theory, this is supposed to be best for the kids. Well, we did it already for my daughter, but it was uncomfortable. I had the party at my apartment with some of Lucy's school friends. My ex and his mom came over. They barely interacted with the kids or me. They talked to each other and another friend who was there. I couldn't help wonder what the point of it was, if he wasn't even going to play with the kids.

So now, another birthday is coming up. I am doing my best to stay positive in front of my son, but I am just dreading being around my ex for the party. I think the hardest thing for me is that birthdays used to be such a fun time, and now I dread them. I'm wondering if this idea of doing birthdays together is just not the right approach for me.

Any suggestions on how to better deal with the birthday issue?

A former member
Post #: 86
Jen. I have the parties at a neutral place. He is always invited, but have never really joined in (even when we were married). We do have a family dinner normally. This year, Aspen's bday is on Thanksgiving, so I told him to just take the girls out for Zoe's birthday (the week before) on his own. Next year we can do the fam dinner and bring the new significant others (hopefully, they are still around!). Their party will be on the 20th at the community pool. He is invited, but I doubt he will show. 6 months ago, there is no way I would have had him in my home whether it was for a party or not.

I do help the kids get him presents for all occassions. He doesn't return the courtesy. It works out as they bring most of the things they make at school home for me (I think because I display them and he does not). But his lack of consideration is par for the course and a constant reminder of what a great decision to separate was for me!
Jane L
user 9999308
Madison, WI
Post #: 23
I agree with Sara, a location that your child wants to participate in should be an acceptable invite for the father to attend to. Also, you can venture to ask for a donation by the father to the party, either the cake, party favors and/or the cost of facility rental, bounce house, etx. They tend to think that this could come out of a cs payment but really its costs that are not factored in.

We stopped doing birthday xchange from the kids because no appreciation was even given back to me, although I was appreciative of a 'Broom Vac" I received from my son, for a Holiday gift. I will give my kid spending money for a trip he just took with his Dad for halloween. We will spend about $30 on a gift at the Holiday, but not his birthday any longer. My x does let my son text me though, but no phone calls when they are out of state or on vacation.
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